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I'm new, so I'll make it short. I'm sure I'm so fucked up that no one will even understand my ramblings.

I'm 27, and I'm tired. I've been diagnosed as Depressed (what's new?) and I've tried Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, and Fish Oils. I take nothing now. My doctor said I may have OCD or be Bipolar (my grandmother is Bipolar, too), which scares the shit out of me.

She wanted me to go to a therapist and start a relationship so that she can get a full diagnosis, but instead of going to the one she wanted me to go to, I went to a cheaper one (mental illness not covered by insurance, arg!) who I felt was fake. I could see right through her, so I ended it.

So here I am, at my wit's end. I had a good week, and now today, all day, I've had to drink to even have a decent conversation with my husband. I am so angry and filled with rage I want to run. I regret all of my life's decisions and I feel like this is NOT my real life. One minute, I am feeling rational, and the next I am completely delusional. I always see things as negative, all-or-nothing, and it's killing me. I can't live the next 60 years of my life trapped like this. Does this make sense?

I know, I know. I need to go to the Doctor. I need to see the therapist. I'm just so tired of it all.

I workout 5-6 days per week. I have a great husband, and I have a wonderful opportunity to not work this summer as I prepare to start teaching in the fall. But I'm so messed up.

I want to run away and live somewhere else, and become an entirely new person. I fee like if I could just get away for a few weeks--far away--I could collect my thoughts. Of course, this is not possible. But I might suffocate by then. Anyone KWIM?

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I'm 27, and I'm tired. I've been diagnosed as Depressed (what's new?) and I've tried Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, and Fish Oils. I take nothing now. My doctor said I may have OCD or be Bipolar (my grandmother is Bipolar, too), which scares the shit out of me.

She wanted me to go to a therapist and start a relationship so that she can get a full diagnosis

A few questions. You say your doctor, is she a family doc or a psychiatrist? If you haven't seen a psychiatrist, you really should as that is the only way to get a real accurate dx. What was your reaction to the ADs that you tried? What reasons is BP suspected?

I can't live the next 60 years of my life trapped like this. Does this make sense?

Yes. This was the reason I finally sought treatment after years of fighting it myself. I just couldn't see spending the rest of my life fighting myself.

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A few questions. You say your doctor, is she a family doc or a psychiatrist? If you haven't seen a psychiatrist, you really should as that is the only way to get a real accurate dx. What was your reaction to the ADs that you tried? What reasons is BP suspected?

I can't live the next 60 years of my life trapped like this. Does this make sense?

Yes. This was the reason I finally sought treatment after years of fighting it myself. I just couldn't see spending the rest of my life fighting myself.

Hey. Thanks for the response. I really didn't know how to start. The DR who prescribed all of the meds is my primary care physician. None of the medications got rid of the emptyness, anxiety, or the rage. At most, Cymbalta made me sleepy and unemotional. The dr's reasons for suspecting bipolar are some episodes I've had that might be considered manic. A few years ago I hit rock bottom and left my long-term boyfriend, went through a slew of guys, quit my job, bought a car, met my current husband, and then got married. I tend to go into phases where I do things "on a whim," such as spending all of my money when I was single and using my credit card to pay for necessities. I've been okay as far as such episodes until recently. Right now I have the urge again to leave my husband and start over, even though I love him. I just quit my job (though I have another lined up) and I keep waffling on graduate school.

Then I have periods where I am so dark I can barely see the light of day. I just can't understand how normal people can just get up, go to work and live their lives. I just can't do that.

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Heck, yeah. I know the feeling. I have a great wife, a career too good for my educational accomplishments and freedom in spite of my breathtakingly stupid behavior. Dysthymia is my psychological malfunction. Alcoholism is something I added to keep things interesting. Like you, I exercised like a mo-fo for several years. In my case it seemed to give me more strength to turn against myself. I had bundles of energy, but the vague anxiety and desperation in my noggin hijacked my life.

It sucks to feel as you do in your post. If you can manage to replace misery with a lack of misery, then you just might eventually replace the latter with joy. I do not recommend the booze or off-label drugs. Prozac works fine for me. At forty years old, that is finally good enough.

I feel like I'm doing the same thing, too. I'm adding an eating disorder and alcoholism thinking that just maybe someone will take me seriously *finally* and save me. Gasp-I might have to save myself!

Only I can't do that. I can't make a solid decision to save my life. I can barely decide what I want for dinner, much less bigger decisions.

My husband has been so generous by allowing me to quit a job I hated in publicity at a small publishing house early so that I will have the time this summer to prepare for teaching in the Fall and applying to graduate schools. Really, I can see the reality of my blessings. But I can't escape the feeling of void and the negativity that dictates my life. I have so much anxiety about all of this that I want to throw it all away because I feel that it's all tainted. I didn't do it all right the first time, so I shouldn't do it at all. I'm very black-and-white, and it kills me. It also kills me that one second I can see our future, and the other I am free, on a mountaintop, without all of these worries. . . finally!

I haven't tried Prozac. I get so tired of acclimating to different meds. I hate taking medicine to begin with, but ADs are terrible.

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I've seen a couple of shrinks over the years and made sincere efforts to accept and assimilate with the real world. It just didn't take root in my brain, no matter how hard I tried. There were some "Aha!" moments along the way when I imagined that I'd seen the light, but the dysthymic in me shrugged off each epiphany within days. Sorry to go on about me. Understanding is all I can offer.

I can't tell you how many times I've had this happen. I remark that I feel so much better, and that maybe I am working through things. Wouldn't you know the next day it all crashes. It's so exhausting being up and down. The only consistency I have in life is that I am not who i want to be. I'm miserable and a disappointment. Thanks for understanding. So many people just don't understand why I can't snap out of it. God, if only I could.

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i know you have to pay for your mental health care yourself, which makes it all the harder to get a solid DX and therefore the meds to treat your disorders.

i've been known to have been bp since i was 7, so i never went through a period of being afraid of my malfunctions. i've just always lived with it. i guess my advice on that front is to just think of it as a part of what makes You a You. one of my ex boyfriends said to my current boyfriend a couple of weeks ago "you know, she's really crazy..." and he said "yeah, that's one of the reasons i love her!". i love him so much for it.

it sounds likeyou're blessed with a good husband, who you love. take it from me- i left my husband, who i loved, during a mania. don't leave him during a mood episode. if you're having an episode, you can't make the solid decisions or have perspective you need to make solid decisions. you said you have trouble deciding what to make for dinner- decide here and now to stay. things can only look up.

as i was saying in my first paragraph and got sidetracked from (i have ADD as well), i think you should see a pdoc, even if it is only once, to get a firm DX and be prescribed meds for that (or those) DX(es). even if you're not bp, you very well could be RXed a mood stabilizer or antipsychotic. that doesn't mean you're bipolar. those meds are known to help the depressed as well. you cycle between feeling ok and like crap, right? or you go on wild spending sprees and have tons of boyfriends, right? it sounds like you may benefit from something like lamictal. i love my lamictal and you couldn't pry it from my dead fingers. my pdoc said that lamictal and adderall are my most important meds.

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as i was saying in my first paragraph and got sidetracked from (i have ADD as well), i think you should see a pdoc, even if it is only once, to get a firm DX and be prescribed meds for that (or those) DX(es). even if you're not bp, you very well could be RXed a mood stabilizer or antipsychotic. that doesn't mean you're bipolar. those meds are known to help the depressed as well. you cycle between feeling ok and like crap, right? or you go on wild spending sprees and have tons of boyfriends, right? it sounds like you may benefit from something like lamictal. i love my lamictal and you couldn't pry it from my dead fingers. my pdoc said that lamictal and adderall are my most important meds.

I totally agree with loon-

talk to your gp and see if she has a few pdocs that she can refer you to. they can be expensive (I know, I had to pay out of pocket for mine for two appointments, but now have an 'actual' diagnosis which helps any other doctor I'll see in the future to know where to start) but really, just try and see if you can swing paying for that one first diagnostic appointment and maybe a follow-up in three weeks or something. the pdoc I ended up seeing was a bit crazy himself and I'm glad I'm not stuck with him long-term, but having someone officially recognize the depression (and actually call me out on ADD, which no other doctor had even bothered to look into) was very valuable for me. also- like I was saying above, now that I have the records from these few visits, I can send them over to my gp who will now do my refills (she wouldn't touch my medications any more until I saw a pdoc)--and then when I do find a pdoc that is covered by insurance, I have a starting point to talk with them about and it's not from scratch all over again. oh, I was also able to apply for disability accomodations at my college (little things like extra time on exams) which will be a HUGE help to me next year, and if you do decide on grad school it might be something you should look into, just as a saftey net, I rarely actually need to use the accomodations.

whoops- I tend to ramble and repeat myself but mostly just see if you can get into a pdoc ASAP (if your gp calls for you she may be able to scoot you in sooner than if you called) because as much as the med-merry-go-round sucks, when you find the right one or combination, it's a whole new world.

goodluck, and welcome, keep us in the loop, ok?

meg

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Wow. I really appreciate the thoughtful responses.

I think I may call my pcp tomorrow to see if she can recommend another pdoc (the first one she referred me to was actually not seeing new patients, so I got upset and called the whole thing off.) Then I saw a pdoc at a local community center, and it did not go well. As my pcp and I went from script to script, she kept telling me that I needed to see a pdoc so that she can get an accurate diagnosis. She was afraid that Lexapro and Cymbalta wouldn't be good choices if I was bipolar. Needless to say, neither of them helped.

Just saying the word scares me. Every time my insomnia comes back I get scared I'm losing it again. It's almost like the depression is something I can handle--it's typical me. The "manic" episodes scare me, because that usually leads to me making hasty decisions and acting irrationally, hurting my relationships and hurting myself. My nights are spent taking different sleeping meds (OTC and prescription) and my days are spent hating my life and focusing these delusions that I imagine my real life should be like, if it makes any sense. This makes me want to completely start over to keep from suffocating with bad thoughts--and my DH knows that based on my past. I don't care who I hurt when I "start over". I can't keep doing this. In the meantime, my real life is just passing me by. But, I haven't been officially diagnosed. Maybe it's not mania. I don't know what it is.

My husband and I have been through a lot in the three years we've been married. But he sticks by me, no matter what my new obsession is, or my new manipulation. I look back at how happy we were when we first got together. I met him right during my lowest, and I mean lowest, part of my life. But he saw somthing in me. When we started dating, I was a completely different person, it seems. I was fun, always laughing, and he was on a pedestal. After we got married, I got "serious" again, and all of my focus became "why am I not happy." It's been that way ever since.

I'm so tired of me, KWIM?

Sorry these get long. I just feel relieved that there are other people that "get" me.

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Welcome! ;) I hear ya loud and clear. It's nice to come here and share with others who understand. A good tdoc & pdoc should be able to begin to sort some of this out. I was misdiagnosed by my GP who knew nothing about mental illness. Well, I hope to see ya around the boards!

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