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When is it time to go to the hospital


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Like the topic says, how do you know when it's time to go to the hospital?

I do not want to hurt myself. I do not want to hurt anyone else. But I really feel like I need someone to take care of me for a few days because I don't feel like I can take care of myself.

To make a very long and complicated story short, I have to make a decision about a new position I've been offered at my job. If I take it, it will have serious consequences on my mental health & well-being. (They want me to work an early shift [8am-4pm], which I can't do because of my insomnia. I can't do early mornings. I just CAN'T!!) If I don't take it, a lot of people are going to be pissed off, & I could be re-assigned to a really shitty position, which will (again) have serious consequences on my mental health & well-being.

Since I got home from work at 7pm on Friday (it's now 9:30 Sunday AM), I've spent most of that time in bed either sleeping, trying to sleep, or crying like a baby. My apartment is a wreck, to the point where I feel like I need one of those professional de-cluttering people--if I knew where to find one & if I could afford it. I haven't balanced my checkbook in several weeks. I have bags of groceries piled up all over my floor because I'm too lazy to unload them when I get home & I have no place to put the stuff anyway. (Don't worry, at least I dealt with the stuff that needed to be refrigerated!)

So back to the hospital thing? How do I know if it's time for me to go or not? And if it is time, could someone please tell me what it's like? I've never been an inpatient before and I'm scared. Will they refuse to admit me if they're convinced that I'm not a danger to myself or others? (I'm not.) Am I going to be locked in a straitjacket & handcuffed to the bed even though I don't want to harm anyone? Are they going to be mean to me & treat me like a loser who ought to snap out of it already? (Because that's how I feel.)

I don't have a # where I can reach my p-doc on the wknds. I just started seeing a t-doc (I've had only 1 appt with her so far). I left a msg for her yesterday afternoon & she called me really late last night, but I missed the call & she left a msg for me. She says she'll call me again sometime around noon today.

If I go to the hospital, I don't want people at work to know that's where I've been. It's a small place and there are a lot of loose lips. My boss is married to another employee who doesn't know how to maintain confidentiality. It's been taking every ounce of energy I have to show up at work & pretend to be ok for 8 fucking hours. I get home at 7:30, take my doxepin, wait for my frozen dinner to heat, eat, take a sleep aid at 9pm & crawl into bed. Then I get up & go to work & do it all over again. Lather rinse repeat.

I wish I had someone else to help me through this, but I don't. That's why I'm here. I have no family. I was kicked out of the house & disowned nearly 8 years ago, & I haven't seen or spoken to anyone who shares my DNA since that time. I don't have anyone but my cat. And he's not much for conversation.

I'm sorry this post is long & rambling, but as I think is obvious by now, I'm really fucked up at the moment. Please offer whatever thoughts you have. I'd even post my phone # if I weren't afraid of the creeps. I know posting my phone # is not a good idea. Feel free to pm me. Thanks.

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i'll take the bull by the horns on this one and be the first to answer you-

you may benefit from the hospital because they may want to do a med adjustment, and usually being an inpatient is the way to go for a major med overhaul. it sounds like you could benefit from a major med overhaul. they want you inpatient for that to watch you and make sure the meds are working and you're not getting worse/sick from them or something. i';ve been inpatient for that before.

as far as what the hospital is like, different hospitals are different. i've never had the exact same experience. i think it varies by state too, because when i lived in IL they gave me passes to go out to eat with my husband and stuff, whereas here in OH they don't give passes. i've asked for them and they just always say they don't do it.

however, there are aspects of the hospital that are always the same. one thing is that they won't admit you, usually, unless you are suicidal, want to hurt people, in the middle of a mania, etc. your pdoc probably has admission priviledges at your local hospital, so if she felt that a major med overhaul was necessary and the hospital was the safest place to do it, then she'd admit you.

i wouldn't be afraid of people blabbing. i went to the hospital in IL when i lived in a small town and no one blabbed about it. people were very professional and polite (except when one nurse ACCUSED ME of having a personality disorder because i was being a prima donna).

when you go in, they usually take forever to actually admit you. you sit there and wait for a nurse to come over to you. s/he asks you questinos about who you are and that stuff, and sometimes about how you feel, though sometimes a pdoc will come over and ask you that rather than having the nurse do it. then you're given a room assignment, sometimes bathroom necessities, blankets, and that stuff. yo ugo to your room to set it up.

they'll give you food. either it is time for a meal and you go to the meal, or they bring you something. they always feed you. if they don't volunteer, ask. but they've always brought me food. i'm vegan so it is hard for them to bring me food, but they always do. they even try to cater to vegans and other people with special diets, so you know they're aware of that kind of thing.

meals are held in the gathering room. there is always a room with a TV, table, games, and that kind of stuff. you go there during your down time, meals, and sometimes that's where they hold classes. sometimes they have classrooms for classes.

you have classes. they are about different things, like sometimes anger mgmt or an art class for art therapy. the classes really span the range. they can be informative, like teaching about the different disorders and meds, or more theraputic, like a meditation class, where everyone sits on the floor for a guided meditation. i like doing that. it is popular and usually everyone likes it.

the beds are hospital beds. the blankets are thin, so grab more than one. they have them on carts outside in the hall, along with scrubs. you'll usually want to wear scrubs. as a woman, you'll wear 2, one facing each way, so they cover your chest.

you'll meet with your pdoc and get evaluated. usually you'll get new meds. they want to give you the new meds in the hospital setting, as i said, so they can watch your reaction. some meds are strong or give side effects at first, so it is normal if you're really tired and just want to sleep all the time. i'm sure that as an insomniac you'd appreciate that. some people get hit so hard that they can't even go to classes.

there are usually about 4 classes in a day. there is always a class the first thing in the morning called "goal group". you come up with your goal for the day and share it with the group. mine are usually things like "counter negative thoughts" or something. that's a good one for when you're stuck and can't think of another one. ;)

sometimes you have private counseling. there is always group counseling.

you only get the straight jacket or locked up if you're being dangerous to yourself or others, or REALLY wigging out. i've only seen it used a couple of times. sometimes people with certain disorders, like multiples or people who want to start fires, are kept in a different area, and sometimes everyone is together. as a depressed person you'd be with bipolars and sometimes there are people with personality disorders and schizophrenics, and VERY often people with schizoaffective, etc. ptsd is an anxiety disorder you'll see frequently in the hospital. i've gone to the hospital for ptsd before.

it is a place to be safe and taken care of, but almost always your insurance won't cough up the cash for it unless you are suicidal, a danger to yourself and others, manic as all hell, etc. but my insurance has paid for my pdoc jsut admitting, so there's that too.

the other patients are usually kinda weird. you'd expect that. sometimes they are delusional and think they're god or something. just ignore them. i've been called jezebel in the hospital before because i'm not christian. just go with the flow. that person who called me jezebel did end up in a straight jacked :) .

i hope that helps you decide. talk it over with your pdoc. she'll probably suggest some time off of work as an alternative to the hospital. take her advice and see how it goes. try to avoid the hospital. but if you need it, you need it. you'll know if it is absolutely necessary.

but my first hospital visit happened when i was 21 and it was LONG overdue. i'm 28 now. i've been to the hospital 5 times. that isn't a lot for a bipolar.

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peppermintpatty,

The hospital really isn't bad. The other people there can be weird, but it is usually the same kind of weirdness that we have

, so they are really easy to talk to (for the most part). I've been hospitalized 7 times in the last 4 years and it has never been a bad experience, except that you are locked in and can't leave without a lot of hassles or they think yoou're ready. From talking to some of the other weirds, I know that some of the hospitals in town are not as good, so they are on my permanent "Avoid List". So far, evry place I've been, yoou chose your menu each morning at breakfast for the next day.

Loon,

Whenever I've been in, they let you wear your own clothes as long as they don't have drawstrings or if you need a belt to hold them up. If guys where scrubs, they still prefer you wear 2 so that there is less flashing of naughty bits.

Tommy

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my first thought is to

tell you employer

NO

sorry, in fact I've been thinking about working PART-fucking-TIME

arsehole

or something to that affect

gah work is so hard anyway

just try to have a life, just try

but anyway yeah, er that's my opinion/thought

say thanks I'm flattered

but at this time in my life

I'd actually like to run away and live in a shack in bfe

work doesn't own us

they can fire our arses any time they please

so try to disconnect a little

step back

and realize you don't OWE them any more than your eight

screw this worrying about work on your off time

and let us know how you are now, please

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Thanks to everyone. And thanks to Selene for your PM.

It is now close to 3:30pm. My t-doc still hasn't called me yet. But what can I expect? It's a weekend. I guess crazy people are only supposed to get fucked up during business hours. ;)

At this point I'm leaning towards NOT going to a hospital. Although in an hour I could feel differently. That's the beauty of being insane. It's like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get.

And in case anyone's wondering, if I DID go to a hospital, it would be somewhere in NYC. My former p-doc is affiliated with Mount Sinai (& used to be affiliated with Columbia). My current p-doc is also affiliated with Mount Sinai. My PCP is affiliated with Beth Israel. And I know someone who works at Bellvue (I think that's how you spell it). So I'd probably have some good options to pick from.

As for payment, I'm enrolled in a Red Cross benefit program that's picking up the tab for any mental health treatment my ins won't cover. (One of the benefits of being a WTC survivor. :) )

My dx & med regimen aren't in my signature line, for no other reason that I've just been too damn lazy to figure out how to do it. But for the record:

Dx: GAD w/dysthymia & insomnia. A few PTSD symptoms, but not enough to qualify for a full dx. (The whole 9/11 thing)

Regular Meds: Namenda, 10 mgs in AM, 5 mgs in PM. Neurontin, 200 mgs at lunchtime. Doxepin, 75 mgs in PM. Sleep aid (Ambien, Lunesta, take your pick) on the 5 nights a week when I have to get up early for work.

Only-When-I-Need-'em Meds: Xanax 0.5 mgs, klonopin 0.25 mgs, remeron 1/8 to 1/4 of a 15 mg tablet

And you thought YOUR med regimen was weird! :cussing:

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nd in case anyone's wondering, if I DID go to a hospital, it would be somewhere in NYC. My former p-doc is affiliated with Mount Sinai (& used to be affiliated with Columbia). My current p-doc is also affiliated with Mount Sinai. My PCP is affiliated with Beth Israel. And I know someone who works at Bellvue (I think that's how you spell it). So I'd probably have some good options to pick from.

It does sound like you have some excellent options.

My inpatient hospital experience was awful, but it was 20 yrs ago. I'm sure things have changed since then. If I had those options and that kind of medical coverage, I'd check myself in in a heartbeat.

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I can't believe you are a WTC survivor. Will you ever get over 9/11? If it were me, I never would.

I have never been hospitalized but I have come close several times.

I dont' know you age, but have you considered that you can't work at all. I finally had to admit that a few years ago.

I have trouble functioning on a daily basis. I have dysthymia and major depressive disorder. I have been on meds for 16 years.

I'm sorry you didn't get a call back today.

Depression is the pits. Mine is more down than up. I hope you get to talk to someone on Monday.

About the job, I don't have an answer. But I have been in a few situations that if you held a gun to my head and said go to work or I'll shoot. I would just say "shoot me, I can't go to work." Just the thoughts of getting out of bed, getting ready, fixing your hair and all that makes me want to crawl in a hole.

I hope you feel better in the morning after a nights rest.

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Just wanted to give everyone an update...

I spoke to the person who might become my boss on Monday. She said 9-5 was ok.

Tomorrow I am having a meeting with this person and the Director of HR. It will probably to formally offer me the position. (Yes, I know I just split an infinitive there. Sue me, Captain Kirk!) It will probably also be to give me a lecture on behaving better. I won't go into details, but remember how I said before I go into work every day and try to pretend to be normal for 8 fucking hours a day? Well, sometimes I'm not as successful as I'd like to be at pretending.

So I'll be knocking myself full of benzos between now & 1pm tomorrow so I can get through this fucking meeting. If I don't get the promotion, I'm already prepared to begin a job search. (I've already sent out a few resumes.) And if I do...I'll be totally numb. I'm 37, I've got 2 college degrees under my belt, this will be the first time in my life that I've ever been promoted, and I feel absolutely empty about it.

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Hi peppermintpatty,

Wow, you have accomplished a lot in your short years. Im thiry one and dont have one degree under anything. I decided to get married and have kids to early. What a disaster that was.

Anyhow, I digress. You sound like a very succesful and driven person. You should be very proud of yourself. But I know how mi can be, whispering awful things in your ears that arent true.

Good luck tomorrow. As hard as this is to do sometimes, try to take it step by step before, during and after your meeting.

Wishing you the best,

Selene

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I know marriage & kids aren't easy, especially if you do it with the wrong person (which you may or may not have done, you didn't say) and when you do it before you're ready.

But God, I would give anything for someone to come home to. Someone to do stuff with. Someone just to bs with & say "how was your day?" and that kind of crap.

I don't even care about sex anymore. You can't miss what you've never had, & I'm almost to the point where I'm too damn old to care. Or maybe it's the meds. And some of you out there thought that lack of a sex drive was a BAD side effect of the meds?? HA! Not that this is really my problem, in fact Namenda has caused an INCREASED libido in some patients, but I am thankful that I don't give a damn about sex anymore. It keeps me from doing really stupid things like asking guys out who wouldn't be caught dead with me just because I'm not some 22-yr-old bimbo with 6-inch heels & a 3 IQ.

Pardon me while I ramble. I think I'm going to heavily medicate myself now in preparation for my stupid meeting.

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Just had my first psych hospitalization. Stayed there 6 days. The pdoc decided i was biplor in the depression stage. always thought that i was depression. Well, the first three days went ok --- totally stoned and tired from new meds. I was ready to go by day 4. I had to wait for day 6. Now i take ativan o.5mg three times a day

seroguel 300mg at night. Remeron 30mg at night. i checked myself into the hospital because i couldn't take anything anymore and was to just go to sleep (with the help meds) and not wake up. i still feel depressed but the si thoughts are gone.

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So I go in for the meeting, & my would-be boss and my current boss (Dir of HR) are there. They basically say, you've done a super job, but we're concerned about your behavior. (That not quite succeeding at pretending to be perfect for 8 fucking hours a day thing.)

I was cornered. I could either make some flippant remark about how there wasn't anything wrong, or I could tell the truth. I caved. And I told the truth. I told them I was a wack job.

The HR Director made noises about me having to provide documented proof. God only knows why. And that's the LAST thing I want to do. This guy isn't too good about maintaining confidentiality. He tells his wife everything, and then his wife blabs everything to anyone who will listen.

And by the end of the mtg, they STILL didn't tell me whether I had the job or not. Did I mention that a) I'm the ONLY candidate they've interviewed and b) I've been working in this office for 9 FUCKING months? This should be a slam dunk, one way or the other. Either you like me or you don't. Shit or get off the pot.

I want to leave. I want to leave right now. I've already sent out a few resumes. Is there ANY place in this world that will just let me sit in a cubicle & shuffle paper & not be bothered (much) by anybody? And do they pay a salary in the $30s so I can afford my $700/month studio apartment?

I can't believe I actually told them I was crazy. I could kick myself now. I hate myself for saying anything. But I was cornered. What else could I do?

I hate myself.

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So I go in for the meeting, & my would-be boss and my current boss (Dir of HR) are there. They basically say, you've done a super job, but we're concerned about your behavior. (That not quite succeeding at pretending to be perfect for 8 fucking hours a day thing.)

I was cornered. I could either make some flippant remark about how there wasn't anything wrong, or I could tell the truth. I caved. And I told the truth. I told them I was a wack job.

The HR Director made noises about me having to provide documented proof. God only knows why. And that's the LAST thing I want to do. This guy isn't too good about maintaining confidentiality. He tells his wife everything, and then his wife blabs everything to anyone who will listen.

And by the end of the mtg, they STILL didn't tell me whether I had the job or not. Did I mention that a) I'm the ONLY candidate they've interviewed and b) I've been working in this office for 9 FUCKING months? This should be a slam dunk, one way or the other. Either you like me or you don't. Shit or get off the pot.

I want to leave. I want to leave right now. I've already sent out a few resumes. Is there ANY place in this world that will just let me sit in a cubicle & shuffle paper & not be bothered (much) by anybody? And do they pay a salary in the $30s so I can afford my $700/month studio apartment?

I can't believe I actually told them I was crazy. I could kick myself now. I hate myself for saying anything. But I was cornered. What else could I do?

I hate myself.

Just a bit of advice, i believe that if anything they discussed with you in your meeting is leaked out, then you can sue not only for defamation of character, but also breech of privacy issues. after all, it's noones business but your own if your fucked up. especially if you are still able to do your job.

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PPwoman

wow you've been through a wild ride this week

your HR person seems a trifle FUCKED UP

and

yeah

what do I know

but I'd personally be very uncomfortable in this environment

feeling like you were cornered to 'tell all' and 100% sure HR does NOT keep confidential info confidentially

yep

send out those resumays and talk to pdoc asap about your rights

maybe it's time for a leave of absense while you apply elsewhere?

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Just another update...

On Thursday (we had both Friday & Monday off) the woman who will be my boss "unofficially" told me that I got the job. I say "unofficially" because technically it's the HR guy who has to make the formal offer. But boss-woman didn't want this hanging over my head throughout the long weekend.

We also talked a bit about me being crazy. I told her that I had no problem with her knowing. In fact, it had been my plan all along to tell her once I got the job. It's just that I hadn't planned on being cornered into it like a trapped animal. And I told her that.

I also told her that I was absolutely sick over the fact that the HR guy knew & that I wasn't sure I wanted to work in this place anymore now that he knew. She quickly assured me that he would follow policy. But that's not going to stop him from telling his wife. And it's really his wife that's the problem. (Here's an example: Last year an employee was diagnosed with a life-threatening medical condition. I worked in close proximity to the wife at the time. One day she came out of her office and walked up to me out of the blue and said, "Oh, did you hear about Jane Doe? She was just diagnosed with _______ ." Isn't that awful?" While she doesn't say these things to gossip--she does it because she feels bad & wants to talk & share her feelings--it's still wrong.)

While I no longer feel fucked up to the point where I want to go to the hospital, I am absolutely dreading this meeting that I'm going to have with the HR guy--even though I know it's to offer me the job.

One other thing: By law, the only way they can require documented proof of my condition is if I ask for some sort of special accommodation for it. The only accommodation I've ever asked for is not to work an early shift due to my insomnia. No one has asked me for documentation on that in the time I've been there (over a year), but if they did I'd be willing to provide it. I don't care if people know about my insomnia. And unless I demonstrate that I am a threat to myself or others (which I'm not, not even at my worst), they can't say or do a damn thing about my condition.

Thanks to everyone for your support. Any advice on getting through this meeting with the HR guy without telling him to his face that he's an insensitive jerk & his wife's a blabbermouth? (That might hurt my chances of getting a raise with this job he's about to offer me. ;) )

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  • 2 weeks later...

ppatty,

Have you had your conversation with the HR guy yet? If so, I hope it went ok. It really is his legal and ethical obligation to maintain your medical privacy.

Your post brought to mind something that happened to me over the long weekend.

I was getting a pedicure and the woman next to me was blathering away on her bluetooth Borg earset. What is it about people who talk on cell phones in public? She was talking in louder than conversational tones. And all of a sudden she says "Well have you tried Wellbutrin? It has no side effects. How many milligrams are you taking? It's really better than Paxil. Talk to your doctor about it. And make sure you renew the prescription this time. Don't just let it run out. You'll be a mess."

It's so odd that something so many of us have tried to keep private for so many years has now become standard nail salon conversation.

I thought you might be amused.

Greeny

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EPILOGUE:

The HR guy came to my workstation after lunch & gave me the news. So it's official. I have the job now.

Here's what I wasn't expecting: When my now-boss-woman leaked the good news to me 2 wks ago, she said that the reason the HR guy hadn't said anything to me yet was because he was "trying to work out a few details on salary". When the HR guy talked to me today, he said that my new job was "a lateral move" and that I wouldn't be eligible for a raise until we all have a shot at yearly raises in October. So now I'm wondering if I should say something to boss-woman. I mean, I wasn't expecting a HUGE pay incruase, but I thought I'd get SOMETHING.

A couple more things: I am no longer fucked up. Today was the first night since all of this happened that I've felt relatively normal.

Last thing: I just want to apologize to the mods for asking about what inpatient stays are like without reading the pinned thingy first. I didn't even realize there WAS a pinned thingy until a couple of days ago. My bad.

Thanks to all of you who responded. I'm glad I've got you when I need you!

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