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I have a bp diagnosis and a list of other disorders tagged on, but since I'm dealing with depression I thought I'd post here. This is more of a rant, since I don't have anyone else to listen I'm going to pour it all out here. I'm sorry if this is boring or stupid, but that's how I feel now.

I'm lost, I feel like I've lost my identity, everything is unraveling and I'm falling down that downward spiral. My pill drawer is starting to look like good eats. I have no support system, no friends, and a crazy family that just seems to make things worse. I had to quit therapy because of money problems. I work a dead end job I loathe just for the insurance. I'm stuck with a house I can barely afford because I'm too scared to sell it. I just sit on the couch and stare at the tv, waiting for death.

I take meds, lamictal, zyprexa, klonopin, and wellbutrin. They help keep away the destructive mania but haven't done anything for the depression. They almost seem to make it worse. I'm tired, unmotivated, and dull. I've lost all interest in sex and personal relationships. My pdoc always wants to try a new med. I've been on SO many, I'm tired of taking pills and tired of the med-go-round. It all just seems to take too much energy.

I left a life behind. Severed many relationships when I left drugs and alcohol behind. When I look back on the life I've lived I feel stupid and guilty. I've overdosed, taken really stupid risks, had lots of dangerous sex with men and I don't even remember their names. I lived through all that, I'm still alive. I'm clean, haven't drank in almost 6 months. I don't have HIV or any other std's. Getting through that doesn't make me feel better though, it just makes it worse. I wish I had something that would kill me, something to end this.

Now I sit here, feeling stupid and worthless. I just want to crawl into bed and never come out. I don't even know why I'm posting this. Deep down I don't really want help, I just want to sink into the abyss. I'm ready to give up. The thought of getting up tomorrow, putting on my fake face and going to work fills me with anxiety and dread. I can't bear the thought of going into the hospital, the money factor alone sends my anxiety through the roof. So I will sit here, as I do every day, and just wait...for what I don't know. I'll quit ranting now, I feel stupid for writing this.

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Myevilme, you are not alone.  I feel much the same most days and wonder what I am still doing here.  I feel like I have no purpose, etc.  But everyone says it's the depression talking and so I keep on taking my meds like a good girl and waiting for it to lift.  Sorry I don't have more encouraging words but I just crawled out of bed, haven't had my cuppa yet.  Hang in there, post away, that's what this place is for.  It sucks not having anyone to talk to in the "real world" but this is way better cause you don't have to be embarrassed for sharing too much.  Sulu

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Hi myeveilme...

this sounds very much like what I went through when I quit drinking and was so very depressed. it's a tough, tough thing to go through, but you can do it. for me, sometimes I had to take "life" ten minutes at a time...

please talk to your pdoc as there might be something else that can be done.

and keep posting here. many of us feel the same way on any given day, but we count on each other for support and caring.

just a thought, but the fact that you actually posted here about your feelings may be a survivor's instinct coming through--you do want to live, just not like this (feeling so bad and hurting so much)

you are not stupid and worthless...you are going through a very hard time and doing the best you can. and I respect you for hanging on! it can and will get better.

keep coming back, please

Spike

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Like Spike, I too respect you for hanging on and letting your survivor instinct come through in the fact that you're posting and asking for a sympathetic ear.

You do need to talk to your pdoc about changing or adding something to help with the depression. If you're BP, you need to treat the two extremes and it sounds like you haven't found the right thing to treat the low extreme. I'm sorry it's so difficult for you right now; I know exactly how that feels with my recurrent refractory MDD.

People have told me a dozen times here that the feelings of being worthless and stupid are the depression talking, and I'm starting to believe that's the case. Maybe you will, too, if you hear it enough times. So here's one more time for you: You are not stupid and worthless. That's the depression talking. It makes you hear its own voice more loudly and clearly than any other voice around you. Even just the fact of posting how you feel, so that someone else who feels similarly can now feel less alone, is a worthy, brave, smart thing to do ... even if it wasn't your intention.

Please talk to your pdoc -- you deserve better than your brain chemistry is giving you right now.

clumsycrawling

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I'm lost, I feel like I've lost my identity, everything is unraveling and I'm falling down that downward spiral.

Typical depressive ideation, and I know, I've been there many times. Recognize it for what it is and what it isn't (i.e., reality).

I left a life behind. Severed many relationships when I left drugs and alcohol behind.
And a damn good thing, too.  Not the kind of relationships you need.

When I look back on the life I've lived I feel stupid and guilty.

No.  No experience is ever wasted.  Everything you've done and survived has made you wiser and stronger, and broadened your character for having come through it and out the other side.

I've overdosed, taken really stupid risks, had lots of dangerous sex with men and I don't even remember their names. I lived through all that, I'm still alive.
Hm... perhaps because there's a purpose for your life that you haven't yet accomplished?  Just a thought.

I'm clean, haven't drank in almost 6 months.

This is success by any measure.  There are hundreds of thousands of people struggling to reach the stage you're in.  This is a very good position from which to strike out; if you loathe your job but do it for the insurance, start looking for a job you would loathe less for the insurance.  And why are you scared of selling your house?

Now I sit here, feeling stupid and worthless.
You are neither.  Your posts are prima facia evidence of your intelligence, and your worth is a part of being human.  If you are worthless, we are all worthless.

The rest is classic depression thinking.  Your disease is causing your neural impulses to register false impressions in your mind.  I am completely confident that science will find the cause and cure for this in the not-too-distant future.  For heaven's sake, we just sent a washing-machine-sized probe hundreds of thousands of miles away at tens of thousands of miles an hour to hit a little comet traveling tens of thousands of miles an hour, and we hit it dead-on.  Is there anything this species can't do?  In the meantime, you know the drill, my friend

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Hi myevilme. I don't have many words to add to the fabulous ones everyone else has posted, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry it all sucks right now, I have spent years depressed and I know where you are. Please don't give up. Med-go round is a mean thing but it's likely it can help you. You(the real you) is still inside you. Now my nuturing instinct is coming out, here are 527 hugs, and I wish I could grab your depression and and kick it's ass for hurting you.    SP

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As to the Abyss, I'm the Mayor of the Abyss
Demoted, eh?  ;) I wondered what happened to the post of High Saturnian Minister of Gloom (Can you believe I remembered your previous title with my shoddy memory?!  It just goes to show what an impression your creativity makes, Cerberus!). 

Evil, not only are you an intelligent guy, you're a hot intelligent guy.  (I remember when you used to post your picture.)  No one that hot and intelligent is allowed to commit suicide.  No way.  Sorry, but that's not an option. 

I had a hella time with Wellbutrin, and I'm BP.  I wonder if maybe it's contributing to your anxiety disorders...  I agree with the others that you probably should try another AD.

I'm tired, unmotivated, and dull.

Zyprexa can do that, from what I've read.  And Klonopin made me brain-dead.  (Really, practically all I could do was stare at the wall and drool.  And that was on .25 mg.)

Hang in there.  Things will get better, one way or another.  Maybe all it will take is a cocktail revamp.  You never know until you try, right?

:::Hugs:::

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Guest Guest_WileyCat_*

Hey, at least you have stayed sober. Do you go to any meetings? Maybe a meeting will pick you up a bit. Sometimes for me, just getting around other people helps me out.

I think this sort of depression is why I get afraid to give up some of my addictive behaviors - because I find that the medications are not enough and sometimes I just can't  take much more. But that is no excuse and I know it and have to deal with that sooner or later.

I would imagine the first year of getting clean and sober is a bit challenging.

I feel I have tried every med too at times. Some days are just the days to get through but I can really empathize with you. I am feeling pretty hopeless today myself for some reason and I am now on two anti-depressants. I am working on my thinking, getting into action and all that and still..... just have to ride it out.

Hang in there!

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Thanks for your replies guys, they mean alot. It does help just to know that someone is listening and going through something similar.

Anyway, I'm at work now, feeling a little better being around people. Putting on my fake face seems to bring the mood up a little. I've been at this job 5 years now, since I was 16. It scares me to think of leaving. This job has been good to me, they've let me take medical leaves, put up with my crazyness, didn't fire me for being drunk at work, and still pay me lol. I've worked with roughly the same group of 5 or 6 people the entire time, and while their not close friends by any means they're the only real people I talk to. They know I take medication now and have noticed a big difference in my behavior, but they don't really know what's going on with me. Anyway, I'm just scared to leave my "safe zone" I guess. I'm just burned out on this. Mabye it'll pass.

As for the house, I'm so emotionally attached to it. I bought it with my bf who I was with on and off from when I was 17 until just a month or so ago. Mabye longer, I can't seem to keep track of time anymore. It's the first house I bought, and it's a great house. I worked so hard to get it. Makes me miss those days when mania would drive me to such constructive things. It's my security, my refuge from the world.

I'm hoping as I titrate up on the lamictal the depression will start to lift, I'm only at 75mg for the time being. Cerberus, I promise I won't stick around the abyss much longer. I'm going to talk to the pdoc tomorrow about dropping the wellbutrin, it is definately adding to my anxiety and hasn't done anything for my depression obviously.

Anyway, I better get ready for the show. Thanks again for your replies. It is theraputic to get it all out on these boards. I'll just hang in here and hope this starts to lift soon. Thanks

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Oh thats it you guys are stalking me now

No really, I feel like that all the time.  I am saving my meds up in a bottle and when it gets full I am taking them all.  All those lovely smarties.....

But until then we can only do what we can do.  Obviously try with a bit of effort into doing things but dont force yourself to preform at "socities normal" level, we just cant do it and feel worse and more frustrated then.

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Very bad night tonight, probably going to be a long rant. If you find me boring or annoying just skip this. I might be dysphoric and need to be in the bp forum, but I don't feel like starting another thread. I gotta vent here because there's nowhere else to do so, so bear with me.

I was doing ok today, work was going all right and I was feeling ok with my happy face on. Then I went to my parents for their 4th party and my klonopin was starting to wear off. Got into it bigtime with my crazy mom about me not enrolling in school yet and being so depressed. She thinks the meds are poisoning me and making things worse. She's one to talk, she's on one gigantic cocktail for all her problems. Anyway, she got me all upset and discouraged. She wants me to go inpatient and try to straighten myself out. I just can't do that, the thought of being stuck in the hospital makes me way to anxious as it is. So, I get done fighting with her and head back to work feeling all weird and upset. Work sucked, well the actual work wasn't bad we just watched simpsons episodes and waited to go on air. I was incredibly anxious though, and my irritable bowel kicked in with (ok this is really, really gross I know) "urgent" diarrhea that kept me going back to the toilet like every 15 minutes. Everybody at work gets worried about me, making me feel even worse. I barely made it through the news, had horrible cramps and kept going to the bathroom during commercial breaks. Finally the night was over and I planned on coming home and curling up and sleeping forever.

Get home, pop my zyprexa and an extra nighttime klonopin, and nothing. I keep having these horrible cramps that make me dizzy and want to pass out. It's almost 4 in the morning and I'm wide awake feeling like total shit. Irritable bowel hasn't hit me this bad for years, I'm miserable. At  2 a.m. I went to walgreens and got some immodium, but it hasn't started to help yet. I just feel awful, I want to scream, kick, slice myself, and burn everything down. I'm 21 years old and I feel like I'm 80. To add insult to injury, my difficulty urinating on lamictal has turned into almost complete  inability. EXTREMELY frustrating. I don't know if it's the lamictal or just stress. This happened to me the last time we tried lamictal, and thought that a slower titration this time might avoid this problem. God I'm so embarrassed. I gotta get all this out of my head though. I can't wait for the damn pdoc's office to open so I can try to get some help with this crap. I know the wellbutrin has to be multiplying my anxiety so that is going to have to go. I'm also afraid she's going to want to up my dose of zyprexa, I'm already at 10mg and terrified of the diabetes risk. Ruminating thoughts galore. She's also going to gripe at me about not getting my blood work done, but I just can't face that phobia in this state, or come up with the cash to pay for it. UGH

Did I mention that a hailstorm has dented the hell out of my car and put a hole in my year old convertible top? One more thing to deal with tomorrow ;)

I feel a little better now that I've vented. If you read this far you are a saint. I could keep going on and on but I'll spare you all. I think I'll call in sick tomorrow and take a mental health day. I doubt I'll sleep before dawn and then I got all those damn errands to attend to. Sleeping all afternoon/evening sounds wonderful. Ah, a little light in the middle of this shitstorm. Anyway, I'm still alive and I'll stay this way. I am thankful that there is a place where I can vent about all this crap. It's almost better than therapy. And you guys are really great and supportive, I feel kinda lucky about finding this place actually. Deep breath, moving on, and hoping for a better tomorrow.

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Geez, myevilme, you had a helluva shitty day (in more ways than one). I hope the immodium kicks in -- remember to rehydrate yourself lavishly when you get diarrhea, as dehydration can cause irritability, among other unpleasant things. And I hope your pdoc is available to talk to you and is responsive to your concerns. Your cocktail sounds awful; I hope they fix it. (If your pdoc is anything like my new one, s/he'll only want to adjust one thing at a time, which means it's sloooow.)

Here's to a better day,

clumsycrawling

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myevilme, I'm sorry you had such a rough time, but am very glad you are still with us!

Vent away--it's good for the soul (speaking from my own experience) getting some of this stuff out.

Hope you feel better today! know you are in my thoughts...

Spike

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YourEvilYou -

I second Clumsycrawling's admonitions about rehydration, etc.  Definitely tend to the physical; it's the bedrock of the mental, since your brain is, after all, an organ.  My money is on a big chunk of yesterday being stress-related at least to a degree.  You were already stressed, and having a row with your mom couldn't have helped any.  I also tend to agree that if the Wellbutrin isn't taking out the depression (clearly not) then it needs to take a hike.  As to the urination, it's difficult to do that when you're sporting a ... oh, Lamictal ... never mind.  ;)

Hang in there, guy.  We're rooting for you.

Cerberus

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hey myevilme...my boyfriend just hit a deer with my convertible and it's fucked. go figure....i fought the pills for 7 years but i finally realized side effects suck, but they suck less than wanting to die. i just got back on wellbutrin xl 450 a day on may 10th. i could not believe they finally almost worked. i have also quit drinking in the last 2 months...well mostly. it's hard, it's boring, and like you said i have no friends.

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Thanks for all your replies. A day off today has done wonders for me. I got things "down there" under control and physically feel better after sleeping all day. Pdoc pulled me off lamictal and wellbutrin, I won't know my new cocktail until 2 weeks when she gets back from vacation ;) Until then I just gotta get by I guess. Got out of the house and paid my bills, which made me feel like I actually accomplished something. Also contacted the insurance company about my car, they're going to call me back sometime soon and setup a time to get a damage estimate and probably cut me a check. They're pretty good about that kinda thing. The idea of getting even a small sum of money brightens my day considerably though. I doubt I'll fix the car, instead I'll take care of some debt.

The best thing that happened today was a call competely out of the blue from a guy I hadn't talked to in a few weeks (I actually answered the phone, yea me!). I posted about him in the gay forum, he's HIV positive and a generally great guy. We're just friends, even though I still have a crush on him. He came over to visit and try to cheer me up. Just seeing him made me feel better, plus he knows all about major depression and really helped me to put things into a better perspective. It's nice to know I have a friend in the real world who understands where I am. He just left so I'm still feeling a little pretty good after our converstion. So to sum it all up, I don't feel like killing myself, while the thought of waking up tomorrow still sucks. If I can just keep myself at this level I should be able to make it through the next 2 weeks until I see the pdoc again. I really want to thank you all for your posts and support. God knows what might have happened without having a place to share my emotions with people who understand. I'm going to pop a trazadone and hopefully get a good nights sleep tonight. So, for now I'm just hanging on to what I'm feeling now and hoping it holds out. Thanks again guys, this group is really full of great people.

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my evil me..congratulations on answering your phone. that's a life skill that i've always had trouble with. i'm glad you got to talk to someone that you care about (and who cares about you) today...goodnite

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A place to call home you wouldn't trade for the world, a friend who understands you, and you got quite a bit accomplished today...  Sounds good; sounds pretty darn good! I'm glad you're feeling better  ;)

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