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Hi everyone...

I moved this question from PTSD in hopes of getting more responses.

I feel fairly good today--slept good last night---and, so far, I'm still feeling ok. Not jumping for joy, but not as edgy and irritable.

And it's almost "too good to be true" and I wonder if it's going to last/when it's going to end. Now I know that I am not always going to feel this way, but I really start questioning (and feeling afraid) that it will be over too soon.

Does that make sense? Yes, I am grateful for these hours of feeling good. And feeling good can mean several different things to me--not suicidal, not crying, not raging at whatever...

But I don't trust ??

I can't seem to accept the fact that I feel non-lethal, that I can take it minute by minute.

When things are rough, I take it ten minutes at a time. When things are better, I nearly freak out. ;) So why don't I just take the good the same way?

Do we get so used to feeling rotten, lost, etc. that we lose our sense of it's ok to feel ok?

And I hope that made sense! 'Cause I really would like to know how others feel about this...

Please share if you can.

Spike

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And it's almost "too good to be true" and I wonder if it's going to last/when it's going to end.

Spike I feel the same way when I start to feel better after a long stay in the dungeons.  And unfortunately in my case it never lasts long enough.  I don't however feel that is because I don't deserve to feel good (well maybe that's not altogether true) but because I never seem to stay feeling good for any length of time.  Sometimes I think I'd trade my depression for mania (never really been truly manic) cause then I think I wouldn't care so much.  Sorry to be negative, I answered this post meaning to say something positive to you and instead rattled on about myself.

Your post made perfect sense and I just want you to know you are not alone. ;) Sulu

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We are creatures of habit that carry a certain set of conditional expectations into every new day, whether they're positive or negative.  If you're normally depressed, I can see why you're feeling anxious and tense, wondering how long this remission is going to last. 

I tend to feel the same way whenever my mood takes it's sweet time cycling and the depression goes on and on and on.  Whenever I rapid cycle I tend to be more accepting of my ever-changing moods. It's almost easier to deal with the depression knowing it'll lift, at least a little, before long.

I hope your remission/partial remission goes on and on and on.

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Hey, Spike,

Another voice in the wilderness here. You are definitely not alone in these thoughts. It takes me months to trust my remissions. Even then, if I have a bad day I immediately think, "Oh God, it's starting again." I don't know whether it's habit or neurochemistry, but it sucks.

Greeny

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I dont trust my good days either - I find that the good days end and then the bad days seem all the worse cause you know how good you can be.

I have given up trying to fight my emotions and no just roll with it and let them take me where they chose to.  I know that aint smart but it is the best I can do.

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Sulu, thank you for your honesty! And your reply was postive for me...it let me know that I am not alone in feeling this way.

It does amaze me sometimes that I distrust feeling good, yet accept the bad times more readily. Maybe it's because I'd like to know what if anything I did or didn't do so I could keep it up--then the feeling good would continue, that I have some control over it?

Last night was interesting. Didn't get quite as much sleep because of the fireworks, and they prompted a (now) funny reaction. We had gone to bed with the usual fireworks going off, then there was a series of extra-loud ones...well, my husband shouted, "Incoming!" and we both hit the floor! Now neither of us have had that reaction in years, but it hit us both at the same time. Yeah, we are Nam vets...

So there we were on the floor looking at each other and we burst out laughing. No feelings of trauma for which I am grateful...

Thank you, Ella. I hope it continues too :P

and I do wonder about any "conditioning" in my thinking...it's weird that feeling good for a change brings about fear instead of more hope. I think it's something I'm going to address with my tdoc this morning.

Greeny, thanks for sharing! And that is the way I feel, too.

I don't want to start that downward spiral again because of *my* shi**y thinking, but is it my thinking or just the "normal" process of being depressed.

Darn, but it just dawned on me that I want a guarantee :)

that this will last for awhile, that I can control it, that...oh, you know the rountine, don't you?

And I know there are no guarantees, but I want one! ;)

Hellcat, your words meant alot to me. And I probably should do the same--just roll with it. Lose the fear and take it one thing/emotion at a time.

Maybe trying to figure out why I feel good is a waste of time, just as trying to figure out what starts my depression, also. There probably isn't a set answer for either one.

spike 

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I have had trouble trusting the good days, sometimes the good minutes and good hours. They've added up now to several pretty good months -- not feeling great but functional and getting some things done.

And I'm still not quite trusting them. Not quite trusting that tomorrow won't be different. Not quite trusting that the next thing will be the one I cannot do.

My therapist says it's natural to have this reaction, especially after a years long depression. And that the depression <i>is</i> going to happen again, I shouldn't fool myself into thinking it won't, but that the harder I look for it the more likely it is to appear. So I need to participate with him in managing the illness, and that includes taking the better days as they come and taking advantage of them.

So, you're not alone. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever trust my mood again.

Fiona

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Thank you, Fiona...

You put it in much better words than I could--my reaction was, "Yes! That's what I mean!"

I'm glad you are months into feeling better, BTDT. And I think that is why I get on guard about feeling good. I want to protect it, yet I don't trust it. And, yeah, I have to be careful about not talking myself back into the pit...

My tdoc said just about the same thing as yours. Rats, but I wanted that guarantee that this was the beginning of a never-ending feel-good-life. ;) as if there were such a thing.

I'd settle for...gee, I don't even know what I'd settle for! A happy medium, where I didn't have to talk myself up out of the pit or talk myself down from the stupid highs.

Which reminds me that the tdoc is emailing my pdoc today. First time I shared with him about some of these Highs/Lows I have--and I read about it here :)

my first pdoc, the RO, told me to enjoy those highs and never mentioned that it could mean I was BP! Reading here about them was a shocker as I honestly did not connect them to the way I was feeling. But that was based on the RO telling me it was a way to feel happy for a change and not to worry...

Tdoc did tell me that I'll probably have to go on a mood stabilizer. Great! I tried the Risperdal for sleep--calmed me a bit, but was also like speed. Sigh, that sounded stupid. But it did do that to me...

And I know there are others and they scare me for a very selfish reason. I don't want to gain weight--I've lost over 100 lbs in the last two years and I do not want to gain it back. Period.

Everyone now loves me again because I'm skinnier. I get so many remarks about how good I look now as compared to my fat days--and they hurt! It's like the love is conditional.

Spike

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Funny I was just talking in therapy about that today.  My dr. said you don't trust being happy.  I guess when you're down and depressed for the majority of your life, being happy just doesn't "feel right".  We're always waiting for the floor to fall out.  It is definately a weird sensation.  I am always on the alert.  Can't say I've been "happy" for a long period of time for a long time.  We all can relate to you!

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Yah, I often expect that if things get too good the world is going to jump up and slap me. Maybe I feel less like that now, but I still feel like that. ALWAYS felt that before meds. RIght now, I've just moved and seem to have good housemates, but I'm still feeling nervous about it and haven't really settled in. I have gobs of energy that I haven't quite figured out what to do with, and sometimes I find myself doing one or two useful things that I probably ought to leave to the housemates so as not to irritate them, such as watering one of their outdoor plants, planing the door so it doesn't stick, etc. Too many nasty things have happened to me in the last few years and I'm just chewing my nails (metaphorically only) here. Still need to find job and girlfriend. Really need some continuity and stability. Anyway, sometimes I'm just waiting for the next bad development, even tho in general I seem fairly motivated and not really depressed.

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What a great great topic.  I thought I was the only one who lived in fear.  Thirteen years ago I had a post-partum depression that lasted about a month.  Prozac brought me right out of it.  Then I stayed on anti-depressants because every time I tried to go off, I'd start to get depressed.  But I WASNT SCARED OF MY LIFE.  I trusted that an anti depressant would make me well.

Then 2 1/2 years ago I went intoa depression that would not lift with antidepressants, mood stabilizers, or ECT.  I life my life IN FEAR now.  I'm feeling kinda O.K. except some nausua and headaches.  BUT I AM TERRIFIED OF MY LIFE AND THAT IT WON'T LAST.  The only way I'm making it right now is one day at a time.  I think if I can get enough days behind me without being miserable, I might learn to trust again.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one.

Rhonda

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