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Kinda spun out or something

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So...I'm living in Iowa now commuting an hour to work every day until I find an apt. or house I like. Running out of meds, no pdoc apt. until August...have to wait for insurance to kick in and the usual wait...UGH....meanwhile...half the time I'm driving (through NOWWHERE!!! you can see for miles in every direction) I keep thinking where the hell am I and what am I doing here? Also, fell off the wagon again, been drinking every night since I've been up here (family of alcoholics, go figure). I did meet a really awesome guy though, he seems so nice. Just get that other voice saying "NO HE'S GOING TO FUCK YOU OVER OR YOU WILL HURT HIM!!" I just don't understand my behavior or thoughts right now. I want to pack my bags and just drive west until the car breaks down or I hit the coast. I just don't understand things...I can't explain it. I know what I probably need to do, get off the booze again, find some psych help NOW and whatnot, but it just seems like too much right now with work and shit....

The HIV services here aren't horrible at least, I get my dr. visits paid for and meds totally, but he won't prescribe me any psych meds...it's an odd deal but it's all I can do, those bitches cost over 2 grand a month.

I don't know, I just feel like I'm totally going off the beam and I kinda want to and just ride a giant wind until it dies....

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