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Scared and suicidal update 7-12


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Things have gotton so much worst, to the point I can't look at people in public. I keep my head down wherever I go. Everything I see/hear triggers me to have intrusive thoughts. EVERYTHING. I can't sleep because I have nightmares that's related to my intrusive thoughts. My doctor suggested Lithium and Seroquel, my hopes are not high because she suggested that i have pure symptoms of ocd and those medications do not scream OCD. Have anyone been familiar with intrusive thoughst,rumination, for EVERY second of the day? I dont' think its ver been this bad. I din't feel safe but I DO NOT FUCKING WANT TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL BECASE THAT WON:T CURE ME AND I CAN"T STAY IN THERE FOREVER AND HAVE TO LEAVE WORK.

My medication history updated

Prozac

Zoloft

Lamictal

Lexapro

Geodon

Ritalin

Luvox

Anafranil

Topamax

Risperdal

Paxil

Lithium*

Seroquel*

My ocd symptoms started when I was 17 when I had my first bf, eveyrthing was perfect at first until I start questioning his love.

I started asking him questions about how much he love me. The questions even consists of HOW many times they have kissed, it got to the point I had to email and call his ex girlfriends to confirm because I was afraid that he forgot. I had a notebook writign down teh data of EVERTHING they did and didn't do and eveyrthing we did. YES IT WAS VERY BAD. We lasted almost 2 and a half years but I was going too crazy and depressed I had to end it. We loved eachother so much but i loved myself more. Ending the relationship did not saved me. I contnue having those thoughts. I continued call him asking him how much he love me. etc. I got so bad I had to have a ELECTROCONVULSIVE procedure done later that year, didnt' help much except for bringing me intrusive thoughts. After The ECT procedure , I am tormented with thoughts about "what if I'm promiscious" , (and I'm not). For example, if a coworker cmpliment me, I would start having thoughts like"why did he compliment me, what if we had sex?". IT"S THAT BAD. I've only had sex with my exboyfriend and my current boyfriend. These kind of thoughts are extremely tormenting. I can't live with these kind of thoughts anymore. AND I ASK MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND THE SAME QUESTIONS THAT I ASKED MY FIRST BOYFRIEND , I KNEW it was a bad idea to be in a relationship

i feel very hopeless

My medication history

Prozac

Zoloft

Lamictal

Geodon

Ritalin

Luvox

Anafranil

Topamax

Risperdal

Paxil

None of them have worked really well,

An suggestions what should I do next, do anyoen have simlar symptoms?

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Hi ISB4, welcome!

Do you feel safe? Are you in any danger of hurting yourself? If so go to the ER or call your pdoc if you have one.

Do you have a pdoc presently? What meds are you on?

I'm not experienced with OCD, but it does seem that there are plenty of other meds available for you to try, so don't give up hope.

Let us know how you are doing.

best, a.m.

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Yeah, If you are suicidal get your ass down to the ER or in to see your gp/pdoc (if you have one)

Relationships are one of my struggles as well. Even friendships are impossible for me. I don

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Do you think that some therapy to explore what the significance of being sexually active or promiscuous is to you, (why is it threatening, what is it about that that makes your mind obsess on it) would be useful to you?

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Well we talked about it, she said since I'm asian, and in asian culture, promiscitity?(I don't know how it spell), is very degrading, and maybe that's why it's making me fearing it by the second everyday for the past year.

See even your reply triggered me a bit. I was thinking, why didn't the she or he said "what is the significance of the THOUGHT of Being sexually active promiscious is to you", is he or she trying to say I'm being promiscious?

although i know what i know what you meant, you meant theoretically. sigh*. I need help.

Do you think that some therapy to explore what the significance of being sexually active or promiscuous is to you, (why is it threatening, what is it about that that makes your mind obsess on it) would be useful to you?
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Well we talked about it, she said since I'm asian, and in asian culture, promiscitity?(I don't know how it spell), is very degrading, and maybe that's why it's making me fearing it by the second everyday for the past year.

See even your reply triggered me a bit. I was thinking, why didn't the she or he said "what is the significance of the THOUGHT of Being sexually active promiscious is to you", is he or she trying to say I'm being promiscious?

although i know what i know what you meant, you meant theoretically. sigh*. I need help.

Do you think that some therapy to explore what the significance of being sexually active or promiscuous is to you, (why is it threatening, what is it about that that makes your mind obsess on it) would be useful to you?

I am sorry that I wasn't clear and haven't said 'the thought', I didn't want to trigger you. Do you think your therapists conclusion made sense? I am interested as to your worst fear about being promiscuous, what if someone were to be, what would happen, what is the fear about? Is it that people would abandon them because they are disgusting? Is it because a promiscuous person is less of a person somehow? I think maybe if we can look into our fears we can start to understand what we are really afraid of. I suspect that your fear of being promiscuous is a symbol of a deeper fear.

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Ask your doc about higher dose of Seroquel. Much higher. I'm on 600mg Seroquel, and it has really worked great on my intrusive thoughts.

what are your side effect son it, not that i care much about them, just for the side record:)

Possible weight gain, but it can be controlled by avoiding carbs.

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  • 2 months later...

Hi, just wondering how you're doing with all this. I hadn't been to this site for several months so I just read your post today. I was in the same boat as you for about 5 or 6 months, and it was the scariest time of my life... obsessive fears (they were also sexual fears, along the same lines as your obsessions) and thoughts and ruminations every second of the day and I was also becoming suicidal. I finally went to an OCD specialist and forced myself to put every bit of trust in her, even though I truly didn't believe that it was okay to stop the obsessing nor did I believe that I wasn't a terrible person.. It took a couple months of blindly following her instructions and going on with each day even though I had no hope, and at last the obsession started to break down until I could go almost a whole day without paralyzing fear and obsessions. Today I am better off than I have been for most of my life because of the concentrated time I took to target my obsessive thoughts in general and make them lessen from a constant loud voice in my mind to a quiet whisper. I still have lots of physical compulsions, but even those are much less than they once were. I have plenty to work on, but I can honestly say that I am happy and that I have a life again, and an even richer one than before this peak episode of my OCD began. So, I just wanted to know how you are doing and perhaps give you encouragement. I hope you are feeling much better. Please let me know, if you want to. I'm glad you could bring your fears to the board for some help.

Keep fighting! ;)

-Amanda

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