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I made it to 100 days...


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Today... Thursday, May 31st, is officially 100 days since I last cut. I do not know how I kept it up with everything that has been going on... I mean, I guess I have been doing things that are quite distructive to myself, but aren't cutting myself... I just don't know how much longer it can last. This is the longest I have gone in a while... more than a year at least... it is not really a sign of strength, though, bc I am falling apart. Me not cutting doesnt really matter I guess if I end up killing myself.

So today is both good and bad, I guess. It is good because of the achievement, but bad because of my imminent decline... things have just not been going well at all for me... I don't know what to do...

:::sigh:::

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Today... Thursday, May 31st, is officially 100 days since I last cut. I do not know how I kept it up with everything that has been going on... I mean, I guess I have been doing things that are quite distructive to myself, but aren't cutting myself... I just don't know how much longer it can last. This is the longest I have gone in a while... more than a year at least... it is not really a sign of strength, though, bc I am falling apart.

hi ophelia,

I'm sorry that I can't do your post justice right now (my computer battery is a 2% and is about to die on me) but hopefully I can come back soon and write what I mean more accurately. I just wanted to say that as someone who is about at a year and a half cut-free myself, congratulations. I *know* that you don't feel that way right now and think that 'it's not really a sign of strength' but in my eyes, doing something to try and better yourself (even if it isn't going as planned yet) IS a sign of strength. You care enough about yourself somewhere deep down that you are doing this- you've been doing something to try and help yourself and be healthier for the past 10 months, and that is an achievment. Really. I hope maybe you are able to take a teeny step back from yourself for one moment at some point and give yourself some credit where it's due for trying to remove something from your life that you *know* isn't helping in the long run. Even if some other aspects of your life are so difficult right now that you've ended up replacing SI somewhat, still I hope you do your best to give yourself credit (maybe even a little bit of pride?) for trying to DO something to change your life for the better. It doesn't always work the way we hope it will, and of course there's still a tough road ahead, but the fact that you've been committed enough to something positive to keep it up for so long says something about your ability to tackle those challanges ahead. I'm not trying to cover your pain with sappy pat on the back hugs, I am honestly proud of anyone else who manages to make it through this because I know how hard it is, you've got to have a pretty strong and willful part of you in there somewhere for that, you know?

anyway, I need to submit this before the battery shuts me off so I hope some of this rambling makes a little bit of sense to you and that you are able to find some help and healthy comfort soon, I'll be back,

meg

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Ophelia

I am first of all proud of you, I haven't made it that long yet with out SI.

I am teetering on the edge too. Damn girl, I wish we lived in the same area, I could use some intelligent company in the house of the mad if i end up there. I Am trying to look at the big picture and see myself as tides, or cycles. We live on the Wheel of fate and when we are up we are up and when we are down we are down. Death seems really attractive, no more pain, confusion, and struggles. But we are here now and there is always hope if we are alive. Our struggles make us stronger. You likely cannot see it from where you are. Sometimes it seems like we'll never get out of the cycle. But you likely didn't get to this bad place over night. I don't know what you've been through. Healing takes a lot of time. One bad experience can take years to get through. You go through a lot of dark places on your path . I know this for a fact. Please remember that you are strong because you are still here. I personally don't want you to end your life. We can learn a lot from each other on our path through the shadow lands. PM me is you like. I will try to help and I will listen. If you feel like you cannot hang on any more, before you get to the edge and are taking the last step. Please, please get some help. You seem verydown, we hope that our words help and that you find comfort

We like you Ophelia, we hate to see you hurting, we want you to stay, for what our wishes count.

Little hugs

Panz and my many shards

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thank you all for your words, but they are undeserved....

I have been battling this for almost 8 years now. it's almost as if it has become part of who i am, unfortunately... I don't know how to deal with that.

other that you few, no one in my life who knows that i have an issue with cutting really cared. in fact, the day was pretty much shit.

a lot of days are shit.... a lot of things in my life are shit.... hell, i'm shit.

I realize that I guess I am not really deserving of anyone giving a damn about me, but I really wish they did. it was reallly hard for me to get to 100, for example. i don't think that i have made it that long in... more than 3 years. I believe that the longest i made it that i can remember was 88 days LAST january... a year and a half ago. I just sometimes want to be fooled into thinking that people actually care. I avoid writing about myself here because whenever i do, barely anyone responds (no offense to the people who responded, this is in general). I feel as if no one cares. am i right? i used to write about myself a lot when i first came here, then i mostly responded... i think some of it had to do with becoming a mod and feeling as if, i dont even know.... now i write about myself and i get minimal responses. I am not saying this to sound immature or selfish or anything. I need people and i came to this place for support. some of you know some things about my life and some of you dont, but i do not get any real support from anyone. i feel like i am going to kill myself and no one responds. i have mentioned it is several posts in the post months and before.... i don't know, do i have to do what some new people have done to get attention and make the topic of my post I AM ABOUT TO KILL MYSELF or something like that? i do not know what to do with myself. don't try to misunderstand this, it isn't attention that i want.... that isn't what i want. i want people to be there for me; i just have to know that there are people there for me. if their aren't really people here and i have just become old, hated, washed-up, whatever.... please, let me know. let me know and i will go away. i will ask to be de-moded and i will leave this place for good....i will leave everyone alone for good.... just say the word and i am gone....

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Oph,

I sense that whatever I say doesn't get past the wall of self loathing that you have had in place for so long. I tend to keep an eye out for your posts and make a point of commenting, and have been known to worry during the day whether you are doing okay. I suspect that input from us won't replace having someone there in real life to hold you and listen to you and keep you safe, and that is what you are really looking for. However if you stopped posting and killed yourself I would be very sad and miss you.

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Sorry I haven't replied to any of your posts. I have noticed that you are going through a bad time, I just haven't know what to say to make it better. Also, I've haven't been going through the best time myself, not that that is a good excuse. I don't want you to stop posting and I don't want you to leave.

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Ophelia, I am simply awful at giving words of comfort or wisdom, so I have a tendency not to say anything, and for that I'm sorry. I care about you ALOT, you can choose whether or not to believe that, but I sincerely hope you do. 100 days is monumental. The fact that you are keeping count is a good sign. You're struggling through each day, and giving your a gold star for each day that passes. Maybe the gold stars don't feel like such right now, but they're there.

I wish I were wise enough to say something that would turn your world around, but you'll have to be stuck with my stupid self. I want you around, I read your posts even if I don't respond. We all need you. That's not good enough as having someone IRL, but I hope that it helps.

Keeping you in my thoughts.... rabbit

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i'm sorry. i sounded so stupid. i sound irrational. I am combining so many different things together into one... i think. i guess i do not really know what it is that i need exactly. i don't know a lot of things. i wish i did not hate myself as much as i do... i really wish i didn't. I wish that i could express myself better than i do...

i also wish that my last post didn't make me sound like a self centered bitch.

i guess i also have some fears that many many people hate me here. it is something i have had an issue with for a while. i do things and say things with the best intentions and sometimes it just doesnt translate that way. i dont know if any of that made any sense.

i'm sorry for bothering any of you and for bitching and moaning and such. i really never ever wanted to be any trouble...

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I know that you are in hell and hurting, and I'm really, truly sorry. I so wish that I had the magic comfort and escape from the daily struggle to want to live words. I haven't been very active in the CB community and I will try to do better. I care because you are a fellow person in pain looking for some one to give a raggy damn. Please stay, post and try to find healing. I will try to be here to respond. I usually don't respond due to social phobia and feeling lame and stupid in replying to others posts. I don't want you to die. How do we KNOW that death ends the pain and suffering? we don't. Stay with us, and we will try to be here. I can't always promise to be able to help, but I will try.

Panz

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Oh, Ophelia, c'mon... you _DO_NOT_ sound like a "self-centered bitch" (quote/unquote)... your words, honey, not mine! the pain that you are going through is not a "bother" to anyone... we all care about you. No one here hates you. Please try to believe that. I, for one, don't think it's really matters if what I say in my thread makes sense. Say it anyway. Maybe you might not get a response, but that DOESN'T mean that people aren't reading, or that they don't care. I often stay quiet because I simply can't find the right words, and fear sounding like an idiot.

Please be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

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