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It is weird that I have formed a core of fairly competant alters that help me through various things when they can. We have a system started where various people "drive" for various situations and are getting pretty good at shifting. "I" do not know who "i" am yet, still trying to put the pieces together to see the picture. I have really bad times and I have started to have a small core functioning system. We are all very affected by the huge nasty mood swings, but we are trying to find our way out.

I have some very abusive alters/shards that are pretty unpleasant, but we at least are trying to heal and become whole.

Before when I/We were in denial and hiding, there seemed like there was no hope. I couldn't let go and trust anyone enough to tell.

I'm so glad that I/We "came out" Problem is, I'm not sure I want a lot of them to go away. We are at this time terrified of integration.

I know what most of them look like, what they like and what they don't. Nazira,Devonny,Myradeth, my darksister,Gia the fashionista

NeNe,Jaime,Felicity, Naomie, Deena Sam,Brocalee, Josie-jo, and others

I don't know that I could go through all of this alone

The dissociation/depersonalization/derealization thing is hell to live with, but at least I have resposible members of my "household" that won't let the evil ones or the wee ones burn down the house when I go away. That is such a comfort.

Maybe someday I will be functional again. NeNe won't let me give up hope ;) She is my keeper of the light. We will make it. Somehow we will.

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Big hugs for NeNe for keeping the light of hope burning bright (and everyone else for working together)!

Of course I have NO frame of reference on this (just going by what abi told me and what I have read on my own), but I wouldn't stress to much about possible integration. Take your time. Some people may wish to merge on their own, others may like being separate, the littles may finally feel safe enough to grow up, some may decide it's OK to give up the wheel and decide not to drive anymore and just hang around inside. It's too soon to tell.

Deal with the destructive shards, work towards stability and getting those mood swings under control. Once you work through that, you and your doctors can reassess the situation and decide what the next step should be.

I know it is going to be tough, but try not to be too impatient and put too much pressure on yourself right now.

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imho, integration should be the very last thing on your mind. i honestly think it should be considered optional, rather than the ultimate end goal. *i* think the ultimate end goal should be having a happy productive life, free from fear/flashbacks/selfdestruction and all the baggage that comes from severe abuse and trauma. my thinking is 'treat the trauma, not the split', then every thing else will fall into place.

of course, i'm not a pro, just someone with common sense. sometimes i think everyone needs to apply a little common sense to whole mpd controversy (but that's me speaking & i'm biased).

you've done good so far & have come a very long way. but honestly, you still have a lot more work to do on all the trauma and past abuse. let's not put the cart before the horse: keep working on reducing the effects of the trauma. i bet a big part of that will be figuring out what to do with the abusive or evil ones. do that first.

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i think integration is something that happens naturally as the trauma is dealt with and life begins again. some people will, some won't, but it is a result, not an action.

akani is working on drawing us all in the anime style (ranma-esque as opposed to cowboy bebop) *grin*... that way others can picture how we look too.

someone forced poor wifezilla to look through the ones we have drawn lol.

just worry about stability. everything else falls into place whether you want it to (like cooperation and sharing the driving) or not (like flashbacks and crap).

abi

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Thats pretty cool! We would love to see the finished artwork :)

We are NOT artistic, but we have looked through photo sites a lot and have collected pictures that each of us feels looks like them. It helps us to know each other better.

As for all of the doubters and skeptics that don't believe in DID, well, we don't believe in them either! ;) So there !!!!!!

*Makes loud rude noise*

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Feel free to tell me to take a running jump because I'm unqualified and might be talking out of my ass but...

I found that my abusive voices (and voices are vastly different to alters, I grant that) were perpetuating the verbal abuse that I was so used to, I came to require it. The idea that I wasn't all the things the voices claimed was too threatening, it challenged my self image that I had held for years, that I had accepted from those who abused me. You'd imagine it would be hard to consider oneself a slut or damaged, or evil, but in reality it was harder for me to consider myself as beautiful or worthy or anything else. So my voices kept me safe in that place of self loathing.

Maybe that has some reasonates, maybe it doesn't. I just think about my best friend IRL with an alter who is very spiteful and abusive, and I think that the alter is keeping the abuse up because it's understandably scary to challenge it when my best friend was abused by people she loved and trusted for so long, and it is difficult for her to reject the hold they had on her and refute their claims.

* I am NOT suggesting that you in any way enjoy or create self abuse, if that is what you see here then I have not communicated what I hoped to and I apologize*

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Actually Karuna, I have considered this to be part of my problem, and the "voices" ARE different from alters. I have a nasty feeling that I'm just so used to abuse and don't know what to do with out it. Growing and leaving your shell of self perceptions is really scary. So, since no one is directly abusing me, the voices are taking up the torch. The abusive alters are like recordings, on and on and on . So in a way, I need to learn to not need the abuse to feel safe, normal, controlled? I don't know. As you say, to keep me in my place of (insecurity and pain) self loathing.

Thank you for the insight, I always will take advice and give it consideration

* whats your distance record on the running jump? it might be fun to watch ;)

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*nod nod*

those voices are VERY different from voices from people inside.

it took us a long time to grow out of needing that shell. they might be giants has a great song that says "thank you for keeping me in my snail shell" about someone trying to grow and no one letting them. *wry grin*

now the people inside who were abusive have taken the biggest stand in protecting us and help us all push one another to grow more. we used to be scared we'd grow out of each other and kill each other off, but somehow, we keep getting stronger as a system and things keep working.

I need to learn to not need the abuse to feel safe, normal, controlled?

depends on your goals. we never wanted to be normal or controlled. safe, yes. we've had to give up a lot of our ideas of safety to grow. but panz, m'dears... you all will NEVER be normal. *grin*

and while self control is great in certain doses, who needs the control we were forced to live under? while it turns coal to diamonds, pressure itself is not the best state of being.

abigail

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Abi, so wise, thank you eternally for all of your guidance.

My goals are pretty simple. Be functional, I don't care if I'm an eccentric loon, but I want to be able to function so that i'm happy with my life. Live, laugh, be snarky, have fun, write a few books. form a stable, if chaotic inner system. ride a camel, make love, roll in the grass. Never grow up, never. Mostly not be slammed around by my mood swings and be functional...beyond that who knows?

=)

Panz

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You'd imagine it would be hard to consider oneself a slut or damaged, or evil, but in reality it was harder for me to consider myself as beautiful or worthy or anything else. So my voices kept me safe in that place of self loathing.

Nope.

I think it's far easier to see one's self as "damaged goods." It hardly helps that there are very few agents outside of ourselves willing and able to prove us wrong on that score, and so very many with something to gain by "encouraging" us.

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Abi, so wise, thank you eternally for all of your guidance.

My goals are pretty simple. Be functional, I don't care if I'm an eccentric loon, but I want to be able to function so that i'm happy with my life. Live, laugh, be snarky, have fun, write a few books. form a stable, if chaotic inner system. ride a camel, make love, roll in the grass. Never grow up, never. Mostly not be slammed around by my mood swings and be functional...beyond that who knows?

=)

Panz

how did i not see you'd replied to this thread? oh well.

i love it. ride a camel!!

my system is stable, but extremely chaotic. lol. we prefer "quirky". *grin*

abi

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  • 2 weeks later...

I deleted my prior past to all of this, and I never seem to get any response on this topic.

Well maybe if I tell you why it took so long to deal with this, and why I posted at like 3:30 AM Wednesday.

I can't deal with this, for it is not like how you have Panz or how my friend that I was roommates with when in patient at McLeans in Belmont on Proctor 2.

The one I visit in NH, I was first person to ever be in her house yet alone do sleep overs, we had so much fun, and I was to spend that week doing day trips, but I feared doing that, for she is so sweet, since my alter is nothing I seem to be able to control, even know of except from the reports of others, and damage she cause.

We have almost exact, I mean identical abuse history, she open with that to me too, we had same therapist in McLeans and she told me so, and said that she did not understand my moods though, and she explain my bipolar.

She was so proud when she told me she now understands my moods, and not to worry she would not tell others I was bipolar, I found that so sweet.

But, she has all the names and little children inside of her that come out, and she knows when and let's them out to play.

I bought Amish baby hat for her baby doll when back traveling thru to see my Dad, before my plea sentencing.

And lot of goodies from area to eat, she was so happy, I do so love her, and hated when I had to tell her about my going to prison, so afraid for her.

She was as I thought very devasitated, why told with help of therapists and them there.

Well to why late on post, Zack did call on Tuesday, and dear God he had somethings to share.

I guess he felt like he needed to confess, and why so long to call me.

He said reason his Dad never did call me when i was in that Townhouse and while we seperaretd so I thought, and divorce me instead, was because he went to Zack and just ask about how he, Zack felt about my just moving back home, Zack told me he told his Dad that I was not his Mom anymore.

That I became since we moved back to PA, this person, that acted very strange, angry, did not treat him, talk to him the same, so many times, as much as I did act like his Mom.

That I left the house, dressed differently, and so many things, I never knew, and God it kills me.

I just went blank on phone, I said God Zack that is horrible, why didn't you say something, he said he tried to tell Dad, he didn't listen, till he threw me out.

Why he was scared to have me back.

I said Well I understand you were only 14 that was not your place to handle with all you needed to worry about.

I asked if I hurt him.

He said no not physically, but God Mom you acted like you didn't even know me.

That broke my heart.

Later I ask husband did I ever act like a truly different person?

He said, yes, I met them, way before you.

And last time I saw them was night you were taken to McLeans which was right before Anniversary of car accident.

He went on to explain when I am them, I am fully checked out, a totally different person, and it goes on for a night to two days from what he has seen, been around.

But, he does feel that since dx and DBT work at McLeans I have not shown any of her.

I hate her.

She has brought me nothing but hurt and loss.

I can not see how any part of her can be any good for me.

I do fear w/o proper network of treatment she will surface.

Especially in such a hostile, confine, angry surrounding.

Where also there will be usage of uniforms and physical power over others.

Aly

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Aly, I am worried for you, I really am. I too have some very reckless ones in side of me that won't come out nice. They push me out of the way or I dissociate and they take over. I guess I am lucky and don't have any cars that I could get into when I am this/these other (s). You may tell me I am full of shit, but you are too closed up and holding on too tightly to what you need to let out. You've said so. All of the other ones are part of the whole of us too. Sometimes they will use the same name but be very different. This one sounds like not such a nice part of you. Something that you would never let out if you could stop it. So she takes over when you are not looking, it is very easy to simply dissociate for a moment and in that moment they take over. I'll, let you know when I've figured out how to keep it from happening...don't hold your breath. ;)

I so, so hope that you can get help with this one, even where you are going.

I'm sorry your ex was such an evil person but I'm so glad that Zach called.

Blessings

Panz

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Hey Aly,

So sorry to hear you won't be on the boards and to be thrown into something so hostile. it hurts all, you seem like such a good new friend. When will you be leaving? If you don't have internet access, can I suggest being pen pals!

Have to get so much done tonight, get to med doc, make sure all RX's and doc files up to date, get all Rx"s refill.

I feel really lost.

then leaving either late tonight or early tomorrow AM.

Goint to see the kids all of them.

Panz thanks for all your blessings, and I know I was not what I ever wanted to be in that time with Zack, and I told his so, it was not his responsibility, marriage is the "adults" responsibility, never the childrens, he should have never been alone in that situation, and never asked that question about bringing me back home.

Nothing was ever on him, nothing, ever during or after, never, never.

I told him he never would ask his child such, I know that of him.

Username, I am taking laptop with me to hotel, so please PM me your writing snailmail, would love another penpal.

I then put you on list when get situated.

It can not be a PO box though, must be a regular street type address.

The PA DOC will then send you a form saying it is OK for me, with my real name to be writhing yoy, real name etc.

You sign form mail back, TA DA we are pen pals.

Will need all by Sunday night.

Thank you for thinking of me so, and caring.

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  • 4 months later...

imho, integration should be the very last thing on your mind. i honestly think it should be considered optional, rather than the ultimate end goal. *i* think the ultimate end goal should be having a happy productive life, free from fear/flashbacks/selfdestruction and all the baggage that comes from severe abuse and trauma. my thinking is 'treat the trauma, not the split', then every thing else will fall into place.

of course, i'm not a pro, just someone with common sense. sometimes i think everyone needs to apply a little common sense to whole mpd controversy (but that's me speaking & i'm biased).

you've done good so far & have come a very long way. but honestly, you still have a lot more work to do on all the trauma and past abuse. let's not put the cart before the horse: keep working on reducing the effects of the trauma. i bet a big part of that will be figuring out what to do with the abusive or evil ones. do that first.

yeah, I agree with you on this one, being integrated may be far off for you yet and its a choice, you dont have to if you dont want to. Your phrase 'treat the trauma, not the split' is a great one, IM writing it down right now. Remember one easy day at a time.
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