Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Anyone else feel this way?


Recommended Posts

After I cut, or otherwise harm myself to the point of needing care, I find it almost soothing to tend to the wounds. Like I'm doing something right for a change, taking care of myself, and I feel more in control. Does anyone else ever get like this? Or is it just me?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

;) Oh, I like the bleeding... quite a bit actually. For me it's the ultimate result. I'll take time afterwards just to stare at it.. soak it up I suppose. It's when that high falls off that I switch gears and start to take care of myself in a calm, detached manner. And that brings about its own mental reward.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I see your point.

My whole thing is about transference of pain.

If the inside stuff is just too much, making it physical because a HUGE distraction. I have to plan it all out, make sure no mess is left behind, make sure there are antiseptics and bandages and can spend days focused on how bad if fucking physically hurts. It takes me away from the reality that my mind does not cope with day to day pains.

Of course, I think I'm pretty much shit all the time so the pain only pulls me away from that normal line of thinking.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I find that I have two types of SI. There is the cutting which is mostly for pain, and then I feel a sense of accomplishment in cleaning and caring for those wounds. I also find it satisfying to hide those wounds from others.

;) Secondly, there is the desire for blood. If this is what I want I tend to use a sterile needle and syringe and withdraw blood from a vein. This way I get a lot of blood with minimal damange :)

I think caring for my wounds, seeing the scabbs, blood and bruising is part of the experience for me. I need to see the damage I have done to myself in order to ground myself and feel sufficiently punished. Really, it's a two for one....

Then of course my medical instincts kick in and I cleanse like a madwoman, apply ointment, bandage and monitor. So far I've avoided the hospital and I would like to continue to do so. The loony bin in these parts is substandard at best, I don't feel like being a guest there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

;) When I used to cut regularly (well over 30 years ago) it was primarily for the pain. Actually it was to learn to overcome the physical pain because there was nothing I could do about my emotional pain. I got to where I could make some pretty deep cuts and burns and still not feel the pain. I never found myself doing it for the blood or for quick relief. :)

Tommy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If the inside stuff is just too much, making it physical because a HUGE distraction. I have to plan it all out, make sure no mess is left behind, make sure there are antiseptics and bandages and can spend days focused on how bad if fucking physically hurts. It takes me away from the reality that my mind does not cope with day to day pains.

Of course, I think I'm pretty much shit all the time so the pain only pulls me away from that normal line of thinking.

I find that I have two types of SI. There is the cutting which is mostly for pain, and then I feel a sense of accomplishment in cleaning and caring for those wounds.

Exactly! I want to do things that I still feel days later and take care of it at the same time. I have a whole bag of different medical supplies that I keep just for that purpose.

;) Secondly, there is the desire for blood. If this is what I want I tend to use a sterile needle and syringe and withdraw blood from a vein. This way I get a lot of blood with minimal damange :)

I've always liked having blood drawn for that reason. It makes me glad whenever I get scheduled for bloodwork.

I also find it satisfying to hide those wounds from others.

I think caring for my wounds, seeing the scabbs, blood and bruising is part of the experience for me. I need to see the damage I have done to myself in order to ground myself and feel sufficiently punished. Really, it's a two for one....

Then of course my medical instincts kick in and I cleanse like a madwoman, apply ointment, bandage and monitor. So far I've avoided the hospital and I would like to continue to do so. The loony bin in these parts is substandard at best, I don't feel like being a guest there.

Yes, I hide mine as well. And when I'm upset and either can't or don't want to cut I'll stare at what I have done and it makes me feel better.. because it's physical evidence and pain to represent what I feel inside. And the outside I can take care of and fix... the inside I can't.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

;) I've been doing some intentional cutting on the prickly edges of agave plants. The good part is that I don't need to hide them because everyone thinks they're just ordinary gardening wounds. Of course, they wonder why I'm always working on the agaves without gardening gloves. I just tell them the truth, I hate to wear gloves. :)

Tommy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hertommy, any idea why you are cutting at the moment? I am not implying that don't have grounds to, I do try to follow your posts but sometimes specific things trigger us. I just ask because cutting in ways that are easily explained away is a slippery slope, and can make the habit worse if the degree of accountability is not there. I don't want to condemn or imply that I don't do the same at times. I'm just interested if anything is getting to you at the moment and if you want to talk about it.

Thanks, Karuna,

I believed I've started cutting again because it's an easier way for me to deal with some difficulties my wife and I are experiencing by cutting than it is to tell her I want to leave her and go back to my first wife. My therapist and pdoc are both aware of that, but not the cutting. I find that writing something in a public place like the boards makes it much more likely that I'll tell my therapist. The first cuts were completely accidental and I hadn't cut intentionally for over 30 years, but ;) the pain and blood was just so comforting that I started cutting again :) , so I intentionally chose a way in which I wouldn't be held accountable.

Tommy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cet, it's not just you. I tend to feel guilty and leave my small wounds to just heal (until I cut them again that is) with minimal care taking, but my cuts are very superficial and I do keep them clean at least. But I don't identify much with what you have said. Can you think of any ways that you could take care of yourself that are not self harming? E.g. something simple like taking a multi vit, or using body lotion, or going for some light exercise, or using a nice hair conditioner? It might not be the same, but it is something to try.

I feel guilty sometimes. Before I started, I grew up with a close friend who cuts so I know how easily it can get worse over time. So I've always tried to do the least amount of damage possible while still getting the right effect. I try to last as long as I can before resorting to it, and I feel like I've let that part of myself down when I do cut. But a big part of me just wants to go at it. And after I start, I feel less and less guilty.. but I still don't want people to know. I don't know if it's my attraction to the medical field or what.. but doing that kind of stuff, or even being in a medical place calms me. Taking care of my wounds makes me feel self-sufficient. Like I made the damage and I can unmake it almost. The stuff you list is more like pampering to me... good things to do, but it doesn't give me a sense of control like the other does. If you know what I mean.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...