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I've been in remission for over two years now. Lately I've felt like depression might be coming back. But I have nothing specific to point to, just little indicators like restless sleep, some anxiety, floating feelings of pointlessness, and sticking on the word suicide whenever I hear or see it (fucking suicide bombers anyway).

I don't feel depressed, though. Work is good. I have fun with friends. It's this subtle undercurrent. I've promised to call my pdoc if I start to be depressed again, but don't know if this counts or is a temporary low spot. I don't want to take more fucking drugs and I don't want to deal with this. Crap. I hate this shit.

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Similar thing happened to me. I started feeling a little more down than usual but didn't think too much of it. Tried exercising more, being around people more. Nothing changed, it lasted that way for a few months or a year (I'm bad w/ time), and then my mood dropped dramatically.

As long as you feel alright, just watch your mood, do all the right things (eat, sleep, exercise, socialize, etc.), and make sure you have access to meds if you should need them.

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I know what triggers my depression - at least I know one major trigger. Sometimes I can be fine in the morning and start to feel like total crap in the afternoon or evening. Sometimes it can be for no known reason. It sux. So I can't say if your depression is coming back, my own experience being that it's unpredictable.

I seem to be depressed more days than not, to varying degrees. Can go for weeks into a deep depression after a major setback featuring *rejection* (by whoever, boyfriend, job, friends, family, even imaginary rejection on my part), when I see no reason to get out of bed and have no will to do so either.

Greeny, it's good to be so aware of your feelings and noticing this subtle undercurrent. Keep an eye on it and visit your pdoc if it persists or starts to get worse.

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As long as you feel alright, just watch your mood, do all the right things (eat, sleep, exercise, socialize, etc.), and make sure you have access to meds if you should need them.

ITA with Karolina--

don't get too worried or hyper-aware about it, but just keep an eye for any other changes that might start adding up (they can sneak up on you if you aren't paying attention) and try and continue to take good care of yourself.

I've unfortunatly had a crappy track record- meds tend to poop out on me and quit working after just a few months, so I know what that little bit of dread feels like when you start wondering if your mood is going down..it really sucks more than I can express to have to worry about all of that and not just be able to go on with life without having to worry if things will go to hell in a handbasket soon or not.

I'm kinda muddled being sleepy and all, but I hope you get what I mean. I guess I'm just trying to say that I think I know the "I don't want to take more fucking drugs and I don't want to deal with this. Crap. I hate this shit." sentiment and you aren't alone. it sucks. BUT it's not the end of the world. you'll probably be fine, especially since you've been pretty stable for a while (right? hope I'm thinking of the right person.) and are still feeling pretty good. keep an eye out and try not to worry.

If anything else starts to crop up, I'd get in with your pdoc sooner rather than later if you can afford it...going in to talk to him/her *doesn't mean* that you have to walk out of there with a change in meds. you can come up with a game-plan for the future if it does indeed begin to come back, and that way you won't have to worry about all that unknown-- your pdoc will already be clued in when you come in in that state and you'll already have a starting point that you worked on when you were more well. that was a muddled sentance. hmm. what I mean is that you should cover your bases-- do the footwork of talking to your pdoc sooner so if ((knock on wood)) it does get worse, you already have your help all set up.

goodluck, take care of yourself,

meg

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Greeny, you sound like I was when I began the downward slide. I don't want to be a gloomer-and-doomer, but maybe a visit to the pdoc is in order. Maybe one med needs to be upped just a tiny bit.

I'm assuming nothing else has changed. You're not drinking, right? Or doing anything else that would interfere with the efficacy of the drugs?

I don't have a pdoc, so I'm certainly not the expert. My GP gives me the script for my AD, and he insists on seeing me every 3 months---no amount of bitching on my part will sway him. If you're focusing on the "S" word, you need to check in with your doc.

motherly advice from one old broad to another ;)

olga

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Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. There's a lot of wisdom and experience here. I think I'll check in with pdoc to explain what's going on and see what he thinks. At least that way if I slide any further, he'll have a heads up. Blech. Tired of thinking.

Greeny

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GF,

Just wanted to say that I think you are amazing for having the awareness and insight to notice the warning signs. It takes years of experience to be able to see the red flags ;) .

I also think that it is a major drag that we always have to be on the lookout and hypervigilantly trying to prevent another episode of depression. Sometimes I just don't want to care, I just want to not worry about all the things I know I need to do to keep me sane...

You know the drill. Keep on keeping on. Oh, and another thought that just came to me...maybe this time of year could be the anniversary of something traumatic happening in your life in the past? Sometimes it doesn't have to be a current situation to make us peer at the edge of the abyss.

BIG HUGS.

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