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I feel like bawling my eyes out, for NO REASON AT ALL..i really hate this disease, my brain is fucking up!! I keep seeing those days where I was free, where i could roam, and be who I need to be, and i wonder if they will come back to me soon!! or ever..or never!!

I just need to know if they will come, so if they wont, I wont expect them to..I know life doesnt work that way though..How it felt to feel the rain and the mountains, and know I could walk down the street with money of my own in my pocket, just enough to get by, but know I earned it myself..I dont think even know I can hack a job if I could have one right now..I just dont want my husband or my daughter to be disappointed in me..

what to say?? It is coming down to without this, Iam nothing crap again..

wrote that yesterday

now for my thoughts for today I guess::

I just wish like a child, I can go back to the days whereI was happy,Iam sure there was a time I was happy though Idont remember it, but I dont remember much of my childhood under the age of 8 anyways...I feel like a failure, my depression, my schizophrenia, and such, seem to take a toll on me, and I just want to be a better person, and am trying so hard...Iam going to ask my pdoc on tuesday if I can go on wellbutrin, bcI havent tried it yet but for 3 days in a mental ward, and bc I dont really want to take another category c, since Iam pregnant, bc Iam already on abilify...

Iam so so depressed, wish I wasnt but I am, and I have no reason to be, of course, that is the mdd, in me..I just need to feel ok, again, did I ever feel ok, I wonder, bc I remember being totally depressed, andnot my dog died depressed, depressed for no reason at age 10, so when was I ever happy??

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Guest Guest_hollywoodfreaks_*

From what I've heard about pregnancy it can be emotionally trying under the best of circumstances. To add depression on top of that is probably very, very hard to deal with. There is just so much going on in your body and brain right now. You know that judgments you make about yourself under these circumstances will not be rational, but it's hard to believe at a gut level. I think you are brave and admirable. It's good that you're getting these feelings out here.

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