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Have suffered from depression for forever.  Last fall dx'ed bipolar.  Thought maybe that had something to do with recurring severe depression and if we fixed that I'd be set to go.  Many med changes later, I still want to kill myself (but I won't).  It seems like the only times I feel okay are when things are going well in my life, the minute anything upsets me - bam, down to the pits again.  Seems to me that this is situational depression that all the drugs in the world can't fix.  I mean meds can't give me friends that I can trust, love from anyone, etc.  Life sucks and I feel powerless to do anything.  Getting to see pdoc or tdoc is really hard cause she's 10 miles away and I don't have a car. Meds are wellbutrin, celexa, depakote, seroquel, and synthroid.  All I want to do right now is cry and complain, so thanks for listening.  I'll go back to my private pity party now.  Sulu

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No need for a private pity party -- unless you want it that way. There's lots of here to attend and who know how you're feeling.

It's good that you're not going to kill yourself, but I know how that feels. And how it can be so hard to go out to go anywhere, even to the pdoc. Sometimes it seems like no med in the world is ever going to help, and things aren't ever going to change, but it's not true. That's the depression talking to us. And it's wrong. It's always wrong.

Here we are at the beginning of a new week, I hope it has even a tiny bit better than last week in it for you.

Fiona

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Thanks so much Fiona.  I just phoned in to work and told them I wouldn't be in today (they know about my MI) and now I think I will take a little tranq and sleep for awhile.  Maybe while I'm asleep this shitass depression will lift. LOL.

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I'm down there in the pit with ya today (though it sounds like you're taking better care of yourself--go, Sulu!).

Just wanted to wish you well; I hope you're feeling better before long.

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Sulu, that is so familiar! Maybe we are twins? ;)

Seriously, I hope you feel better now after some sleep. I think you did a good thing by calling out for work--you are taking care of you. Sometimes it's good to just give ourselves a rest.

You are in good company...one that accepts you just as you are (cause we feel so many of the same things)

Spike

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Thanks folks. My nap did diddly squat for me so here I am back again.  It is wonderful to have this place to talk, vent, share, care, etc.  I'm pretty sure it's kept me from doing something irreversible several times.  But I still can't believe this is all there will ever be for me in this life.  Oh, to have a goal or to feel I have a purpose in this world.  Better go get me some cheese with this here whine. Sulu

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Oh, to have a goal or to feel I have a purpose in this world.

Oh, Sulu, I sure do know how that song goes and I feel for you. It just sucks. But that statement is pure depression. It's not you and not the world; it's flawed thought and it will pass. Keep trying to get the med cocktail right and keep posting.

Greeny

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Oh, I love cheese and whine parties!  Did someone bring the brie?  I'm bringing a crusty loaf of french bread, sweet cream butter, and some red seedless grapes.

Now let the kvetching begin!

I haven't got a purpose in life, either.  Any purpose (aside from mothering a dog and a cat).  I wonder if I'll ever have one.  This illness is robbing me of every last sliver of potential and I don't know if I'll get it back.  I was never astrophysicist material, but these days I feel dumber than a rock.  Rocks don't go very far in life.  Unless someone picks them up and moves them to a different location.  Or erosive processes claim little pieces of them, to be carried hither and thither by the wind.  Oh, shit.  Well even rocks get around more than I do  ;) lol

Pass me some of that divine honey mustard...

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Ella, loved your rock --- shit i can't even think of the word I want. Brain getting weaker every day.

Thanks everyone for your support.  I am increasing my dose of Wellbutrin to see if that helps. Last time I went up to 300 I couldn't stand it but I have been taking 250 for a couple of weeks so maybe side effects won't be so bad.

Oh by the way, we have red and white, sorry no pink and every kind of cheese you can imagine so please help yourself. LOL.  Sulu

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That's about how I'm feeling too, so you're certainly not alone.  I'm trying SO hard to remember what it is I ever liked about being alive but all I can come up with are memories of how my whole life I've been angry at my parents for giving birth to me without asking my permission first. Why would anyone want to do this?  I don't want to.  It seems like a series of horrible events, unpleasant experiences, and forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do.  WHY?

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Well, girls, I say we keep this party going.  I'll load us up on french bread tomorrow. A healthy shot of carb-induced serotonin is in order!  And some chocolate truffles...I'll try to find ones with high cocoa content so we can get a phenylethylamine high going on, too. 

Big :::Hugs::: to everyone

shit i can't even think of the word I want. Brain getting weaker every day.

One reason I love Firefox is that you can look up definitions just by highlighting the word.  I find myself doing this often because I can't always tell if I'm thinking of the right word (and just don't trust my brain to select it for me).  I am the word-substitution queen!

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Ella, your signature describes me to a T.

A regressive, overly emotional, hypersensitive, oft-confused, forgetful, highly distractable, capricious, paranoid, delusional, neurotic, melancholic, perfectionistic, pissy, brain-fogged space cadet of the first order.

I can't wait for the bread and chocolate party. Sulu

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Sometimes it seems like no med in the world is ever going to help, and things aren't ever going to change, but it's not true. That's the depression talking to us. And it's wrong. It's always wrong.

I am not convinced it is the depression talking.  I think I haven't really got anything to live for but my cat, and that makes me depressed.  I feel like even if I was never depressed again I would still want to adios on outta here. But just in case I am wrong I will stick it out a little longer.  Sulu

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Sulu,

Damn. I know that feeling. It is so familiar. It's enticing, logical and, if you're not particularly religious, pretty much impossible to argue against.

When I think about it when I'm not depressed, I still don't feel like I have much of a purpose in life, it just kind of is. What's different is the capacity to enjoy and appreciate it, laugh at the irony of it, be able to work and love, all the while knowing it is perhaps without meaning, but not without goals and reasons to live.

It helped me to realize that there's no structural difference in my life when I'm depressed vs. not depressed. It's not the situation, it's the thinking and mood that change. Thinking and mood can be changed, whether by time, medication or therapy. Knowing that has kept me alive through the worst of it.

Please keep trying. You will find your way.

Greeny

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