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Ok, here goes, I don't even know where I am typing. But I'm typing away.I'm sitting in hospital. I don't really know whats going on, I know I terrified of Pdoc which I guess is not a good thing, since I guess we getting no where.

I have been diagnosed with being bipolar 1 or 2 I don't know (I need another docc, who I can talk too)

Lately I have been so paranoid I don't know what to do with my self. My really if not best friend came to take me to the therapist on friday, I got in the car and I was terrified of her. I literally couldn't look at her, I was huddled against the passager seat. She knows i've acting more and more like this for a while mow. I keep thinkinging she's going to leave me, or that she's angry with me. I always have to get people to find out if other people have been talking aboutme, and its getting bad. I feel like everyone is looking at me all the time, judging me. It drives me scatty. I won't let people in my house. I pretty much never leave it either. I hate going to other peoples houses. I can't eat in fron't of other people, I'm constantly on edge.

The worst is I never sleep.Which drives me scatty. I get so tired and mean. I constantly think that I'm having world war 354 with at lest 6 people a week, and end up delete their mobile no.s.(please note I only see maybe 2 people a week, the same 2 people each week) I can't work cause all I ever do is think, its driving me crazy. I just want to make it stop. I need to turn my mind off. and god forbid another person actually asks me what about. I feel like a jack in the box, I'm so tense the entire I cant relax. When I was driving my car I would just wish to drive to off the road, so I could unclensh my hands from the starring wheel. Ah ya and we I do I end up cutting myself?

My worst nightmare is sitting on a couch with people, theress always this tense, this current, bad vibe between everyone, and I feel like they looking at me, or blaming me. But the I speak to my mother afterwards, she says theres nothering there. But its not just a family thing, its with anyone.

But when I see any form of doc I can't say this stuff. I think they going to think I'm lying? I think people won't believe me. I really don't know what to do.I'm being discharged tomorrow and feel so hopeless its unbelievable. I'm freaking out. The words are not coming out of me.

And when I try I fail really misserable.

The worst thing isI'm the kind of girl that seems to have it all people keep saying you, beautiful, clever,rich...... the usual. they think its an attention thing.

But I'm not having fun. I hate the attention, I've become a hermit. but I'm Desperate or really loosing hope.

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They WILL believe you--print out what you wrote, and give it to your doc. From the things you describe, it would be normal to be afraid of your pdoc--but you are at least in a place where folks can help you. I know the feeling that no one will think this is me, of putting on a good front, even for the pdoc, when I was so batsshit crazy I could barely move.

You are gonna be OK--you're here, talking to us, and we care, and we have all been where you are. Keep posting if you can--this is like talking to a group, except not as scary. I don't go out either--but I can talk about shit here and somehow, it feels better.

So--print out your first post and give it to your pdoc--or show it to him/her. And please try to remember this--your brain is not working like a normal brain, you have a chemical inbalance in your brain that is making you feel so weird and crazy and paranoid. It can be treated, you are not a weak or bad person--you have a disease thats as real as if you had diabetes. Its just that when your brain short-circuits, it makes you ACT batshit crazy, and nobody who is not trained to watch for this shit can see that--and most don't understand what is going on. But if they really love you--they can learn, and they will not desert you, or stop loving you.

Remember, we are here--all of us other people with whacked-out brains, and we care about you--like you will come to care about us. Please keep writing--

china

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Hi Kaytee-that's my little girl's name-except it is spelled "Katie". I don't have anything to say except welcome and I hope things get better for you soon. There is a way. There are a lot of things that you can do to get better. The first step is getting a good pdoc and honestly telling him/her what is going on . mel

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Hey there,

Hang in there. It doesn't seem like it right now, but you're in a safe place. Two actually, because you are here now, too. China's right. Print this out and give it to your pdoc. Then you don't actually have to talk to him/her. And we're here when you need us. Feel better.

JBella

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hey guys

Thank you so much!

Especially China, I have been feeling so alone. I was so terrified to turn this dam computer on today, didn't think that anyone was going to reply?

Really means the world to me. I really felt like no one got me.

I haven't had a chance to print anythin out, or type something up properly. I did actually make a little list (tiny) and the keeping another day. so hoppefuly footing a foot in the doorway. But will printt somethingout, its just the whole handing it over and dealing with the consquences.

I'm glad I found you. ;)

Oh and Mel1, I just wanted to say that I love your quote by helen Keller, my sister is completely blind and 3/4 death and has a thousand other disabilities, she didn't win the genetic lottery, but I still love her . Even though she battles to see it

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  • 1 month later...

Sounds plausible to me, actually. Being well off doesn't protect you from mental illness. And I think being attractive is hard to feel from the inside. I am no great shakes now but in the few pics I have of when I was a teenager I can see I really was Mr. Bod. Just didn't know it or feel it. So what good was it? I have some friends who are attractive, and were at least brought up wealthy, but they struggle with mental illness nonetheless. The really lucky people were born with a happy disposition and are fortunate enough to have adequate material circumstances. If you're rich, at least you can afford to make up for any deficiencies in your insurance and get enough therapy and the right meds. Don't hesitate to get the help you need.

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Sounds plausible to me, actually. Being well off doesn't protect you from mental illness. And I think being attractive is hard to feel from the inside. I am no great shakes now but in the few pics I have of when I was a teenager I can see I really was Mr. Bod. Just didn't know it or feel it. So what good was it? I have some friends who are attractive, and were at least brought up wealthy, but they struggle with mental illness nonetheless. The really lucky people were born with a happy disposition and are fortunate enough to have adequate material circumstances. If you're rich, at least you can afford to make up for any deficiencies in your insurance and get enough therapy and the right meds. Don't hesitate to get the help you need.

Hey Ido,

Thanx alot for that, I always find one of the hardest things is that people tell you that you have everything, why the hell should u of all people should have a propblems? You have everything going for you. That there are so many more people out ther with so much less and they are happy, why the hell are you complaining and hiding in your house or hurting yourself?

I get where they are coming from, I do. They just don't get where I'm coming from. They see the outside me, if they could see inside my head, they would see choas. And thats not at all pretty or enveable.

Its like my mother, says, I' buy you things but it doesn't work. I have never asked for anything? She just gives me things to try fix things on a superficially level.

I even sit and explain it to her. I,m not a bratty kid at all. But I pretty much have everthing. cringe.

And then ther is the whole I think he,s look at me thing, this is exceptionally complicated. Exceptionally. When 16, I liked it, I was tall blond and blue eyed? Got alot of attention. Then it changed. It started to scare me, Started to fress different, but you are who you, and I guess it boils to the panic you feel when you know people are staring at you. I can,t live withanyone, eat with people, watch tv with my famly, gosh going home is hard enough.

Looks are not the be all and the end all, promise?

But money is the one thing that will definatly always be on yourside with health care, cause its dam expensive, even I use chronic medical aid to pay my bills!

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Kaytee, welcome. Please know that many of us here have been through similar things as you, and you're in a safe place with us. We understand that MI doesn't discriminate - no matter what your level of intelligence, beauty, socioeconomic level etc, it's an equal opportunity afflictor.

That said, I'd like to echo what China has said. What you're going through is a flare-up of a disease, and as awful as it is right now, it can be treated. I know it's so hard to reach out for help when everything seems scary and threatening - printing out your post and handing it to your pdoc may be the best way for you to communicate right now.

Good luck in dealing with this. Please keep us updated as you can, we all care.

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kaytee

I really hope you find the courage to tell your doctor whats really going on. I haven't the slightest doubt that he/she would believe you. For what it's worth, I bet everyone who reads your post believes you. In general, doctors are there to help you, and they do that best when they have enough knowledge about the ways in which you suffer. If you don't have the courage to say it yourself, spend some time and try and write as clearly as you possibly can about the things that upset you, and then ask the doctor to read it. It might feel strange, but it's far better than continuing to be so excruciatingly paranoid that you can't cope with being around people at all. The fact that you release your tension with self harm is an obvious sign that you are honestly not well.

As to other people believing you do this for attention, forget 'em. You know it's so very far from the truth. Riches and beauty are no defense against mental illness.

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Hey Kaytee.

with some time to catch up this weekend i read more carefully your posts. oh my god hun. Sitting here typing i can feel your tension, because its so similar to what i've felt. Crazy i thought i was so alone.

just want you know i am here. and maybe the both of us can traverse this entangled wood

i remember people in the hospital are filling out $ aide-forms and then the rumor spreading that i had charterd flight home (really family members are certified pilots and they rented a Cesna). but it doesn't change all that tension your situation of "well-to-do" wraps you in because your are an accutely aware person.

worried about you.

my urge to self harm didn't line-up timewise to the stresses, but paranoia did and that's how i found myself two years ago where you've just been. i was 19, 5'8 120lbs, and going to graduate uni the following year. I know it's not always comfortable to vent, so feel free to PM if you'd like

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hey

jeepers I really didn't expect someany reples! thank you! Started to write notse for my tdoc, whos going to cpoy them for my pdoc. I go to her 3 times a week so ites easier to get the guts to give them to her. and then dhe can explain them to him. so its hrlping. Seeing him again mext week, and terrifed, might try find a new pdoc but most of them i have had the same problem? amyway thanx on that one.

Had a bit of a bad week, and vasity starts next week finally. I'm study dietetic which off campus(whic is aGhost town) my whole family live 18 hours away and been homee a total of 7 days since 26 dec.

My mum wanted toget me put in hospital just to get through the weeked. I don't think she knows what to do casue she's so a way and got her own buisnesss. and she wants to helpand doesn't know how, and she's so supper stressed herself.

But tomoorow is monday!!!!

Thank you all for caring

luvies

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