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You mean I'm not a God in human form?


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Seriously, when I got on meds and started coming down from psychosis, I went through a grieving process. I mourned the loss of my godhood and all of the powers that went along with it. It was such a rush, controlling the weather and devouring souls and all that cool shit. I cried over the loss of my bride to be, who happened to be a celebrity who I will not name here.

Being a mere mortal sucks!

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Hehe...I've been on meds for about 3 or 4 years, I lost my "powers" shortly after starting risperdal.

Looking back on my above post, I've come to realize something...I'm freakin' weird.

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Hehe...I've been on meds for about 3 or 4 years, I lost my "powers" shortly after starting risperdal.

Looking back on my above post, I've come to realize something...I'm freakin' weird.

You aren't weird. I felt special when i was seeing "messages". I didn't think I was Godlike, but I thought I was in the spotlight. I had to mourn them, too. I missed them when they went away.

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Ugh, why is posting so hard for me? I feel like I'm in a roomfull of strangers, and you're all looking at me. Here goes nothing..

Karuna - I also felt ashamed later on. My shame was along the lines of "Oh my God, I'm a false prophet so I'm going to Hell".

confused - Ahh, the spotlight! I thought that what I was going through was preparing me for a life of fame with my celebrity bride to be. Then when everything turned out to be a delusion, I was heartbroken. No true love, no fame and fortune, no devouring of the souls (I'm kidding, I hope no one gets upset by that).

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There are also the good things too.

Did you know there's no cameras in my flat and never has been? (other than my digital and SLR of course but no surveilance)... that one took ages to go away and it never occured to me to mention it to pdoc because in my head it had nothing to do with mental health at all, they were just there.

But yeah, coming down sucks...

ooh ooh, anmd did you know that the prophets that were around from various religeons actually had faith in whatthey did, they weren't just trying to brainwash someone that they had no way of knowing would come into existence hundreds or even thousands of years later? I didn't, but it's cool.

And fuck me dead, horses don't talk... Steven Hawking is really nice apparently...

Reality is amazing! But I miss supposedly being able to give people I don't like slow terminal illnesses that they don't know that *I gave them* ;) and neither does anyone else... just knowing that they will die sometime within years. I also miss the supreme knowledge of the true entology and metaphysical structure of the Universe (with a capital "U" no less) that I supposedly had.

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oh psychosis,

dan- a capital U eh, interesting, wondering if you are thinking the same symbolism i was thinking, what a dirty mind i have when psychotic :)

ben- sorry to be a room of strangers, but we've all felt what you've described regarding the come down

I greive, I greive the vividness of the underneath, seeing Nature in its fully evolved form, new plants, new seasons. I miss meeting someone and seeing a future for them that broke their shackles. I miss the symbols, the art and vechicles that carry us through the tribecula of consciousness. I miss stumbling upon protection and prayers and safety such that my paranoia so transformed into a faith i had never known. I miss laughing at a TV show during all the wrong parts because it was so beautiful and i could understand it, flipping hilarious. The artist and the witness just knew they liked it, when i was in the web i knew exactly why. The sitatuions and thoughts aligned, because what is beauty if there is no one to watch it? I followed a frequency and it was godly. I mourn the temperality of the liberation of the female energy that so possessed me, i was just an open vessel and she was so powerful, raising from the water, swimming in green and purple, the missing element from the play-warring polars. Dance music balance. I experienced in her vision silver, gold. For those to be celebrated as they are in physical metals just kills me.

I manifested my conflicts as the conflicts of the world and i exueded all the tears and sorrow upon my representation, and i prayed deep as i could, just to lay those nuggets i had collected, just to hold this pocket of beauty in some transmutable form. Time rolled back upon itself, it was all such an intuitive experience, that my life, my linguistics were intended such that i could have this.

;)

so i'm sorry, i choose to still believe my psychosis as real. I grieve that the world demands something like that to be a delusion. Sure part of its beauty lies in the belief that it can't be real, that human goodness couldn't create that. I could see myself as a God, see myself as that woman, Jesus's sister or whatever. That's the kind of energy we attribute to those paths and it can dilute us into lies, datapoints so referenced in the sane consciousness that we miss the point. I'm just a girl, a girl who went for walk in the physcial world with a brain chemically embalanced enough to throw off every sane thought and see what people were doing beneath. I'm sure there is a science, a medium behind the "metaphysics", the way our brains and bodies interpret the world that we are not always aware of. I'll just take it as it comes. who iam tapped that, tapped that place we have all put a little bit of our soul into for the sake of hope, hope i've given back more than i've taken

i have shame, shame for when my nervousness and ego lead me to believe that i was this healer. kiss a woman in her sleep, wash my ecstasy pheromones downstream, divide the roman alphabet into its subtle enuendo, make that bitch's crack from shampoos, expose the new hiltler before he ravaged the levels of the dreamstate. Damn i'm crazy. I guess in the end i can forgive myself ,or justify is probably more accurate, because i did what needed to be done. I will always walk in beauty because of what i have seen. Is that wrong to come down off of? I grieve for the intensity more than anything. God is intense, building up for celebrity is intense ben, i too grieve the adrenaline. But now i've learned to experience psychosis in the sane, that pop song line "show me ur garden that is bursting into life," i'll take that as a nugget. When i'm transitioning to sleep and my thoughts/heart are slammed with a little boy's panic, and epileptic fit or something, i can't just ignore that channel. I'll play healer and hold his trust and fear, hold his paniced heart through this, send him love and whatever useful knowledge goes with it. It may not be real, it may be a delusion, granted a powerful one, but if you are psychotic and you have powers, why not wield them wisely.

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If only I could choose the best bits and vanquish the paranoia to the depths of Hell with Cerbrus on its tale!

What makes me laugh is hearing New Agers talk about "feeling the energy flow through them and feeling at one with the Universe"

Phah! I Am the Creator!

And you .... you are just a mere gnat....no .... a speck of ignorant cosmic dust that dies with a blink of my eye....

And then the trees and the winds stop talking to me and everything becomes gray....

And they call it Reality.....

Hawk

P.S Eloquently put Username

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