Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

;) I don't know what happened, but I was up all night and manic-y for the past couple of weeks. I have been in bed planning my suicide. I don't want to call anyone in my family because they are feeling "dumped on" by my brother who is recovering NA. I gave my son a dollar to make lunch forhim and sister. I feel like a piece of shit mother and a completely worthless nothing. I don't have a pdoc or tdoc right now, except for the new ones I haven't had appt.s with yet. I was thinkling hospital. Never been. I don't even want to call my older sister, who always helps me because I don't want to burdent anyone. I wanted to send an e-mail to my youger sister asking her to take care of my kids if anything happened to me, becase dh is mean and hateful.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know the feeling of not wanting to burden others, but sometimes you have to be willing to let other people help you. If you think your sister will help, call her. If it comes to it, don't be afraid to call a crisis line or the hospital or someone that can help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please, please, PLEASE hang on.

I know it does not feel like it right now, but this feeling of crashing and being so down WILL PASS.

I think the best thing you can do right now is reach out for help. Family and friends are there to help you with the burden. Please rely on your support system.

Take care and keep us posted.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I broke down and called my sister-the one who is my biggest support person. I am glad and not that I called. She called my mother, who tells me that I can't get depressed, becasue taht would make her depressed. They boht totally want to help me. Only I got myself in a bad situation. Problems at home with the SO have been horrible off nad ofn for years. I faced reality and told my sister what 's been going on and then she called my mom and my mom was going to come get the kids. But the problem with that is, my kids had to endure me freaking out and crying and it scared the shit out of my son and he was bawling his eyes out thinking I was getting rid of him becasue he was bad so i calleed my mome and told her not to come today.

She and my sister are both coming tomorrow(bouth from out of town). Until then, I don't think i have the stregnth to do what i need to do-which is talk about a separation w/ so. I know once I say anything of that nature to him it will be a done deal and dI will never be able to change my mind. It's si haord.

I took an extra klonopin and I can't see or type good right now. I half-way want ot go to the hospital like right now so i dont; have toface my prolems. How do I do it?

I have until tomorerw to decide the rest of my life -and my kids lives. Not to mention our pets, possessions, house, car.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just want to wish u the best luck and luv

My sister was born blind and deaf, and my mother just cried cause she never thuoght she'd be able to to teach he to tie he shoe laces!

A month ago, she got married. our entire town cried.

All you can ever do is take one do, is take day at a time. Do the best YOU can do. and thats more the enough.

As Chessy as it is.

oh and yes yes shes been been tying those lsces since she was 3.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tell SO that you are going inpatient so your relatives will be watching the kids. Talk to the therapists/pdocs at hospital about this. You sound like a wreck and you need distance right now without confrontation. Stay safe Mel!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, Scatty. That sounds like just what I want to do. My family is !00% behind whatever I need. They offered to take my kids for a few days while I get things sorted out. The problem (one of them) is that I am feeling like I am filled with lead, so heavy. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't feel like I have the strength for any major confrontations w/ SO. I'm not feeling suicidal anymore. Just dead inside. I increased my Prozac from 20 to 40, hoping it will kick in soon. I have an appt. tomorrow w/ my new therapist. She sounds really nice. She actually answered the phone herself and I talked to her for about 10 min. just making an appt. I take that as a good sign. I haven't seen a tdoc in a year. That's way too long, I know, but when your time is totally filled up w/ work, school, and kids,etc., it is a very good distractor. Or maybe it just puts off the inevitable breakdown. I had that at a job during work-don't want to do that again.

I am too confused to know what I really want to do. I'm too weak to do what I need to do. I take care of my kids all day, but not very good care. I feel like I neglect them all day, and then my SO comes home and yells at them. Not right away, usually. My stomach is tied up in knots when he walks in the door because I never know what kind of mood he's going to be in. He is always so angry. I think I am kind of afraid of him. That makes any needed confrontations even more daunting.

Last Friday, when this all came to head, my mom and stepdad were in the car on the way to get the kids and I had to call them back because my son starting crying and I was crying and packing the kids suitcase. My son was really upset and scared when I told him they were going to grandma's for a few days. He said "I'll be good, I promise". He just turned 7 and they were just at grandma's the previous weekend and my SO threatened to send them back to grandmas when they got back-always in a bad, angry mood. I couldn't do that to my son, so I called them back and told them they couldn't get them now, explained why.

It isn't like this is a new thing, either. Probably part of the reason i haven't been to a tdoc, don't want to be faced w/ harsh reality. The kids are really attached to so, and they're eyes light up when he comes home. By bedtime, every night, there is yelling and chaos. My kids have really picked up on the tension. (not that this is a new routine). I used to dread coming home from work because I didn't know what kind of mood he'd be in. He's the father of both my kids. We have been "engaged" for 8 yrs. Wow, writing all this down makes me sound so pathetic. I never thought I would be one of those women who stayed in an abusive (not physical, yet) relationship. I do not like myself very much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am too confused to know what I really want to do. I'm too weak to do what I need to do. I take care of my kids all day, but not very good care. I feel like I neglect them all day, and then my SO comes home and yells at them. Not right away, usually. My stomach is tied up in knots when he walks in the door because I never know what kind of mood he's going to be in. He is always so angry. I think I am kind of afraid of him. That makes any needed confrontations even more daunting.

It sounds like your SO could use some counselling as well. If nothing else, he probably could really use an outlet and/or some additional strategies for dealing with the frustrations of work, family, and everything else. Even at full cost it will be cheaper in the long run than ulcers, stroke, or heart disease.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

SO, wil absolutely NOT go into counseling. He thinks ALL dr's are quacks. He thinks I should go off my meds. We had a short "talk" and I told him how sick i am of the way things are and he came up with several reasons why it is MY fault. He actually listed them on his fingers. In the 8 yrs. we've been together, he has never ONCE said "I'm sorry". nOt one damn time. Everything is ALWAYS MY FAULT. He has never taken any responsibility or owned up to anything. Yes, he has to deal with work, familyl , and my BP self, but SO DO I. And - oh fuck it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

mel1,

That sounds like a description of my wife and I, even though we don't have any kids. She's never said, "I'm sorry" and always finds ways to blame me for things, even acts of nature like thunderstorms that damage some of our plants. She only thinks therapists are quacks, not all docs, but she often says that my therapist is just a cheerleader and a shoulder to cry on. She is in the "snap out of it crowd" and thinks the tdoc is a waste of time and money. She also thinks the hospital keeps me in as long as they can to use up my insurance. I know this doesn't really answer your questions, but I wanted you to know you are not alone and your problems are felt by many others.

Tommy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No. Mel, you sure are NOT alone--I have a husband who loves me and tries his best to understand and be understanding, but lets face it, my behavior lots of times would try a saint.

You are not a bad mother, you are a crashing, depressed mom who needs to do whatever it takes to get back up again.

We love and support you--do what you need to do for YOU and the rest will follow.

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I came up with a solution, perhaps not a very good one. Maybe have the kids taken by relative while he is at work. Then have someone check you in somewhere. Leave him a note explaining how fragile you are and how you didn't want to confront him or fight in front of the kids. I hope your therapist gave you some resources and advice. You may just be able to get your head on straight without the turmoil of housework, kids, the constant "MAAAAAAA." Check your insurance book or ask your therapist what would be your best option insurance wise. Some places even have websites on what they offer- like it's a motel or something. It might be worth checking out. You need to worry about his feelings later, when you are more stable to think rationally. Good luck- keep posting!

P.S. If ya see some retreat in New England I'm all game! I need my head screwd on a little tighter, I think it's wobbling to the left. ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Scatty-sounds good. My dh came home early today and hugged me and came up with the suggestion that the kids go to a "day camp" or something that keeps the kids all day. I am getting worse. Only now, I am in a mixed state. I don't have a pdoc until June 28th and I don't know if I can make it. I know I need med. adjustments. I ran out of Prozac. I have 3 other kinds of AD hanging around from the med.-merry go round. Maybe I'll try some cymbalta. I'm really scared becasue I feel like I am going to lose my mind. Took an extra klonopin. Hasn't worked yet. My kids are playing nicely making hhigh-ptchied squeally sounds that make me jump.

I saw my tdoc yesterday and liked her. I'm going to be seeing her once a week. New England, huh? That would be really cool (literally-I'm in Fla. and it's hot as hell).

Thank you to everyone who responded. It really helps.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...