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Okay it's true. I was weak. My dh told me he wasn't sure if he loved me or not. This was back in the last week of April. In the first week of May, I got obliterately drunk, felt the need to leave my house, realize I couldn't drive, called my father whom is basically a prick, took all of my medications with me because I thought I may not come back home that night. Then....at the diner, I went to the bathroom. All of a sudden, it seemed a good idea to take half of a bottle of 200mg Lamictals and about 10mg of Klonopin. I didn't touch the Wellbutrin because I was afraid it would give me seizures.

I didn't really want to die.

My husband was really pissed about that. He said if I trully made an attempt on my life then he would have sypathy and empathy for me. But since I was "just trying to get attention" then he was just pissed.

In any case, and for a LOT more reasons, we are split up, this time most likely for good.

So.....after they let me out of the looney bin from hell, they prescribed me to a day program at a local psychiatric hospital that has a resort-like setting and actually does massive amounts of group therapy, plus med management and individual therapy. Ideal place to be, right? Well, I fucked it up. The day, in early June, that my husband finally decided to tell me for sure that he wanted out, we were not renewing our lease for another year, and that he was taking our three young children to go live at his father's house, I sort of lost it. I got totally smashed, beyond any kind of drunk I've ever been. I was apparently do belligererent that he called the police. There was no physical abuse on either of our parts but I did get into the care and attempt to drive. It was just me in the car so I wasn't risking any of my family members' lives, but I was still risking other driver's lives. I turned around very quickly when I realized I wasn't wearing my glasses. I need my glasses. I may be only 39 but I have had two cataract surgeries and cannot see without them. When I left, he called the cops and had them all looking for a lunatic driving a minivan drunk out of her mind.

I've calmed down since then.

However, the next day I showed up at my outpatient clinic. Somehow, someway, somebody thought I was drunk. They gave me a breatholizer and it registered .09! Twelve hours after my last drink!

At that point I went inpatient. It sucked but it didn't. It wasn't like a lockdown unit that lets the patients do nothing but pace the halls all day. There were group sessions on the hour. The dialictacal behavior therapy (DBT) was very helpful. For me, staying in the moment has been extremely good. Deep breathing keeps me from going over the edge, and yoga is a long term healthy thing from a mental health standpoint, not to mention a physical standpoint.

Am I manic right now? I've been drinking a little, but I am not drunk. My therapist told me that drinking a lot was a symptom of going manic rather than the other way around. I think it can work both ways with me. But they want me to go to outpatient rehab for alcohol so I will. Anything to get my kids back from my soon to be ex husband. Not that he is a bad father, the contrary is true. Because of my severely broken leg last year, and my ups and downs, they have become more attached to him than me. I want to do what is best for them, but I know what it is like to grow up without living with your mother. I don't want my kids to ever say to me, "Mommy, why didn't you fight for me?" because that is the most devastating question any human being can ask.

I am rambling. This is my last night ever in our apartment that my husband and I rented a year ago. He chose not to renew the lease because he didn't want to be with me anymore. I begged and pleaded over and over again for us to stay here and go to counseling but he refused. He claimed, and still claimes, that he doesn't love me the way a man should love a woman. That he cared about me but he hasn't been in love with me for two years. We've been married for almost six years! I suppose I am devastated but I swear the inpatient unit was a godsend. Deep breathing, radical acceptance, realizing you can't change others only your reaction to others, staying in the moment....all of that crap. It works. It is keeping me from taking five bottles of pills up at the place by a cliff in a beautiful park where we got married with our wedding album on my chest lying in the back of our minivan covered with a blanket.

It felt good to admit that I did have a plan.

But I don't anymore. All overdosing does is get you into hellish psych hospitals with scary patients and overworked nurses. Not to mention the exhausted psychiatrists. Therapists? What?

In the good place, all of that was great. But that was long after my overdose. It's hard to get into the good places.

And most of all, I don't want to do that to my kids. I have seven of them. Five girls and two boys. Even an overdose that I know myself couldn't kill me would still traumatize them. And I could never leave them. Never. Not through voluntary death, not through moving away, not through emotionally withdrawing, no way. I didn't give birth seven times with no drugs to have them all go away. They need me. I am their mother and they need me to be sane.

Good god I am writing alot.

I feel alot better now that I have gotten this out. I hope it helps somebody and I also and hoping for some feedback. Surely someone has been in my shoes.

But anyway, no matter what, I am grateful for whomever read this. Thank you.

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I am very sorry for all u have been going through. Life is rough and being bipolar makes even little things sometimes seem like the end of the world,let alone the big stuff! U are at a crisis point in your life and u must make choices now for yourself and your kids. Addiction is not the answer and will make your problems worst (sounds like u are already there). I find as a mother that I rate everything on how it will effect my kids first, maybe that can help u.

U may think that u just threw away 6 yrs of your life but try to see it as a new opening. U now have the freedom to look inside yourself and change things that need to be changed. Talk therapy is one of the best things u can do during this time. U can vent and get feedback and hopefully ideas and info on how to deal with your issues and move forward.Take this time to get to know yourself and what u need, and reconnect with your kids.

You can not change other people, only yourself. Let him go....tell yourself that u must be strong for your kids and show them that life does go on and can get better,that mom can get better. I went through 2 relationships of over 8 yrs each with men who hade no clue what it means to be a rapid bipolar...needless to say it all fell apart, they had their issues and I had mine. Its taken me over 13 yrs to figure out how to control my bipolar and it is still a daily struggle with that control fleeing at the hint of a crisis! Work on u and hopefully the rest will work itself out. Hope this helps.......

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My friend, I feel obliged to offer a line from a dear friend, in regard to your relationship with your husband. My daughter is trying to decide to move back to Atl, away from her "dear love"--our best frined simply replied, concerning the "dear love"--

"That dog don't hunt."

Sorta says it all--the boyfriend is never gonna committ, your husband is probably out of the relationship for good. And good for both of you women, cause for sure, those boys aren't worth it, and don't want it.

Get better for you and you alone--then you will be an example to your kids of what a strong woman can do when she needs to get it together. Don't get better (or worse!) for the kids, husband, parents, none of the above. Get better for YOU. Thats the kind of example you want your kids to see.

It is hard as hell, especially for us who were taught that our husbands and kids came first, and we should always live our lives for them. May have worked in 1955, but not now. Show your kids what a strong woman can do--be an example to them of how a WOMAN copes with the tragedies, changes, and horrors of life. We don't put up with crap from husbands who want ro "have it all" with none of the work, we don't degrade ourselves because we are not loved by someone else. We love ourselves enough to learn to take care of ourselves--and then we can GUIDE our kids thru life, not "take care of them"

If the kids are mad, or don't understand right now, believe me, they will, if you set the example. Think--do you want your daughters to go thru what you have put yourself thru, just to be "loved" by a husband? Do you want your sons thinking that his way is an acceptable way of being a partner in a relationship? I didn't think so.

You can do this--sometimes its hard as hell, one step up, 2 back, etc. But if you are doing this for YOU to get better, it will allcome together.

Much love and blessings,

china

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Waterfall, I can't imagine all the stress you must be under right now. I am glad to hear that you no longer have a plan. I agree with the previous posters--that's it's so important for you to take care of you first and set the example for your children. They say every end is also a new beginning; I know that doesn't make it suck any less though. I wish I had something original or wise to say but I don't. Just wanted to let you know that I read every word and I hope things start looking up for you.

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