Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

I try so hard to make things work. I have two jobs and I try to go to college, but I fail royally at that with everything I'm dealing with. I haven't been able to get out of bed since last Saturday.. I guess that makes it a week now. I'm on meds again. I went off of them when my pdoc moved and the cymbalta that was keeping me afloat stopped working. I felt alright for awhile.. I managed to push it aside and not think about it. Then I started a turn for the worse. I can always tell when I'm getting bad again. It's like a cycle.. but worse each time. I'm never really not-depressed; I just handle it better sometimes. So I went back to the office where my pdoc was & went to see her boss. (His office, she worked there) And he put me on meds. I've never responded to a plain SSRI, but that's what I got put on. With the seroquel for sleep and xanax for anxiety. That was the Thurs before the crash.

So I tried to do the right thing.. get help. But it's not helping and I'm just sinking deeper into despair. I did call yesterday, to tell him. He kind of brushed me off...or at least it felt like a brush off in my state. He said I could go to the Hospital or wait for our appt on Tuesday. I told him I wasn't going to go to the hospital... so that's that.

Sometimes I feel like I should, but I can't consciously do something that will just hurt me in the long run. Sure, I'd get meds, be watched, feel trapped.. then either feel a bit better or fake it to leave since I do have two jobs and bills to deal with. And all that just to be saddled with a hospital bill? No thanks. Even my previous pdoc and tdoc (who I want to see but haven't been able to) said it would just cause more problems than good. So where does that leave me?

In bed, feeling completely numb yet crying. I don't have the energy to eat or stand up for long periods of time. It's all I can do to make myself take a shower each day, and that was only after going three days without one. I've been calling into work too. That, I can't afford.. but I can't go either. One job knows about the depression and I'm on FMLA there, the other doesn't... maybe they do now.. I don't know. But now I feel like I've messed up the other job that I actually like - it of course being the one that doesn't pay shit.

At first I was using SI to cope with it... then to try to feel something through the numbness.. but even that feels pointless now.

It's a constant struggle with myself to even keep going. I feel like there's nothing for me here. I'm so alone and scared all the time. All I want is for the feelings to stop. I feel the pain of life, but not the joy. And knowing that I won't come out of it kills me. Because it doesn't lift... ever. Maybe if I find the right medication, but I haven't. And the one combo that helped doesn't do it anymore.

I'm torn between wanting to do something rash and just laying here wasting away. ;) If someone were to hand me a gun or put me on a ledge.. I would do it. Without a second thought. :) But the thinking about it, the arguing with myself gets to me. Because a part of myself feels like I should either be better than this or just learn to live with the pain. To endure. While the other, more rational side says that that's just crazy. That you can't just live in misery, all it will do is drive you crazy and cause you to hurt yourself mentally. And those scars are far worse than anything I could ever inflict on myself. And that's all I can see, unless I find some miracle cure. A life of pain or no life at all. Which is best if those are my choices? If there is no inbetween, no coming out of it. And there aren't any answers. Anywhere. The only one who can help me is myself, and I'm too broken down to even attempt it anymore... and I've tried for years.

I don't know why I'm posting this.

I just wanted to get it out and put it where someone might understand.

I feel like reaching out and hiding at the same time. I guess online you can have both, right?

I just don't know what to do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey. I don't have much useful to say, but I read, and I'm thinking about you.

I strongly encourage you to call your pdoc now and tell him/her what you've said here.

Going to the hospital is better for you in the long run than being dead, and going to the hospital before an attempt is better than going after one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cetkat....

I do believe there is relief, even if you can't see it right now. I agree with you that if your choices were either a joyless, painful life or no life at all, then no life at all might be the preferable choice. But you are not forced into that, because there is always the possibility of joy and the cessation of pain. Even if it feels like your depression has no possibility of going away... that's part of depression. It's not the reality of the situation.

It's obvious that your meds aren't working right now... but that doesn't mean that they can't work or that something can't change for the better. You said Cymbalta worked well for awhile... what about trying Effexor or an SSRI+Wellbutrin combination? There are lots of options out there....

Can you make it until Tuesday? I hope that you will be able to make it indefinitely, to get out from under this demon. But the first step is making it until Tuesday so you can show up and show your doctor that you're not kidding, you're having a shitass time right now and he needs to step up and help you deal with it in a real way.

If you don't think you're going to make it until Tuesday... we have to go from there and the hospital may be necessary. But it does sound like it might not do much good IF you can make it until Tuesday to see your regular doctor.

Keep talking to us here, try keeping yourself distracted... try whatever you need to in order to not hurt yourself.

Thinking of you. . .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey. I don't have much useful to say, but I read, and I'm thinking about you.

I strongly encourage you to call your pdoc now and tell him/her what you've said here.

Going to the hospital is better for you in the long run than being dead, and going to the hospital before an attempt is better than going after one.

Thank you.. I really do need help right now. I only wish talking to him would help.. he's only seen me that once.. doesn't really know me or my chart (he said that) so I just basically got the brush off. He asked if I was alone and all that, I told him I wasn't. He said ok. I actually am for the most part.. I do have a BP friend that I live with.. but I don't want to bother her. It's been talked to death anyway. We kind of have an 'it's ok if you off yourself' pact too since we both believe it should be a choice. Not the greatest support I guess.

I really don't know what's best for me. Logically it's better to stay alive if that's what I decide.. but if that's what I decide, a hospital visit would be pointless. And when I just don't know... *sigh* ... I dunno..

I agree with you on the 'after' part. But that wouldn't be the case.

Cetkat....

I do believe there is relief, even if you can't see it right now. I agree with you that if your choices were either a joyless, painful life or no life at all, then no life at all might be the preferable choice. But you are not forced into that, because there is always the possibility of joy and the cessation of pain. Even if it feels like your depression has no possibility of going away... that's part of depression. It's not the reality of the situation.

It's obvious that your meds aren't working right now... but that doesn't mean that they can't work or that something can't change for the better. You said Cymbalta worked well for awhile... what about trying Effexor or an SSRI+Wellbutrin combination? There are lots of options out there....

Can you make it until Tuesday? I hope that you will be able to make it indefinitely, to get out from under this demon. But the first step is making it until Tuesday so you can show up and show your doctor that you're not kidding, you're having a shitass time right now and he needs to step up and help you deal with it in a real way.

If you don't think you're going to make it until Tuesday... we have to go from there and the hospital may be necessary. But it does sound like it might not do much good IF you can make it until Tuesday to see your regular doctor.

Keep talking to us here, try keeping yourself distracted... try whatever you need to in order to not hurt yourself.

Thinking of you. . .

I'm really really glad that you understand the either/or thing. That's what I keep struggling with.. and it seems like nobody understands. I keep pushing, running myself into the ground, but at what point do you say enough is enough? You're right that there's a possibility of getting out from under this.. but that's all it is.. a possibility. Not a certainty. If it were certain, I'd keep going. That's what I did for 6 years when I was stuck in an abusive home situation, because I knew eventually that it would end. Now the depression is so much worse because of living with it for so long.. and brought about by completely different circumstances.. basically life hurts & I don't see the good in it. I never thought about what I would actually do once I grew up, now I find I just don't want to do anything. Trying so hard for so many years has worn me out to the point I just can't fight anymore.

And if it does go away, how long will it take? 10 years, 20..? Is that a life worth living?

As far as my meds go, I made this for my pdoc: http://home.comcast.net/~cetkat/index2.html

I've pretty much always been on a combo. I could try Effexor with the hope it would work like Cymbalta.. but considering nothing else made that kind of dent, I feel doubtful.

Some more ramblings: http://home.comcast.net/~cetkat/index3.html

About Tuesday.. I don't know. I know I could, but I don't know if I want to. I could print out this stuff and give to him.. but I'm scared of being locked up against my will. If he tried to do that I'd leave and hide.

Thanks for your replies..

You guys care more on here than anyone in real life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i read your other stuff.

sounds like me, i think. i am full of emotions, but my head is cloudy/foggy and i can't express myself. i cannot form the words in my head.

i also understand and analyze everything. me and my surroundings are so clear, in my head. except, i have never had a period of living this clear life.

i am trapped inside my own head. it is frustrating to feel and understand, but not express.

i don't know. maybe i misinterpreted.

it sounds like you are pretty serious. it seems like you did fine with the cymbalta. i know you have tried others, but i still think there is a chance that something of whats left will help. i mean, it seems like you have tried so hard up until this point. i guess when you are depressed it really is hard to have hope. i understand that the fight is just not in you. but you have fought so hard. why give up now?

my two nieces are keeping me alive. i was told that it was selfish to end things yourself. i can see that. but it is soooo hard to keep on going. why should i live this way? it is not fair. i am exhausted. i don't want to try any more meds. i don't want to be a failure for the rest of my life. man, this sucks!

i have tried and tried. and, so, i will keep trying. even though i am miserable. i have got to believe that there will be an answer.

maybe, once i have exhausted alllllll of my options, then i might take matters into my own hand. i cannot rationally make that decision until i have tried everything. because there is no reason for it if there are more options.

i wish life had been easier for you. one thing after another will drive anyone crazy. no breaks. maybe the hospital will be a break for you? or your doc on tues. you never know when it is just around the corner. don't miss that opportunity. i believe the more one suffers, the greater life will be once you are better.

i know, i can't begin to understand what you are feeling or have been through. i just know despair and how it feels. i also know that it gets better. hasn't it gotten better for you, too? at times?

i hope you feel better in the morning and the next morning.

have a beautiful day,

kathryn

Link to comment
Share on other sites

;):) I hope this doesn't sound too lame. But waking up in the damned hospital, all tubed up, when you had every intention of being dead is one of the most loser-esque moments a body can experience. So, yeah, if you just can't take it any more, going to a hospital before you do something rash is much better than the other way.

When it's the depression talking, it's hard to make logical, rational decisions. Don't listen to the side of you that says you will always be miserable. You don't know that. There is always tomorrow, another cocktail of meds that might be just the thing. When you are alive there is always the hope and possibility of finding your way out of the bad place. We are here and will always listen and try to give strength and comfort, ok?

Big wishes for relief from the pain

Panz

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I woke up feeling a bit more clear-headed today. Thought alot, watched tv.. Then I went upstairs to the empty apartment above me. Just to sit out on the porch at night. I live in a house that's been converted to two places - upstairs and down. The person that lived above me just moved out and the landlady isn't around. I have a key. ;) It's kinda funny.. she left some stuff.. and one of those things is some rope. That along with a post and steep staircase.. It's not my plan (I'm pretty logical and plan oriented) but I started to think about it. First as a kind of "isn't this ironic" type of thing.. then surprisingly seriously. I'm not prone to rash action. But it's just there - handed to me.. and I really just wanted.. :)

Obviously I didn't.. but it's still on my mind.

i read your other stuff.

sounds like me, i think. i am full of emotions, but my head is cloudy/foggy and i can't express myself. i cannot form the words in my head.

i also understand and analyze everything. me and my surroundings are so clear, in my head. except, i have never had a period of living this clear life.

i am trapped inside my own head. it is frustrating to feel and understand, but not express.

i don't know. maybe i misinterpreted.

No, you have it right.. it's like this haze between what you feel and know and what you can express and coherently form words to. It just becomes a mess.

it sounds like you are pretty serious. it seems like you did fine with the cymbalta. i know you have tried others, but i still think there is a chance that something of whats left will help. i mean, it seems like you have tried so hard up until this point. i guess when you are depressed it really is hard to have hope. i understand that the fight is just not in you. but you have fought so hard. why give up now?

Because if I force myself through it and it doesn't get better, I'll regret it. I'll feel like there wasn't a point and I should have just had the sense to take care of myself and do the right thing for me.

my two nieces are keeping me alive. i was told that it was selfish to end things yourself. i can see that. but it is soooo hard to keep on going. why should i live this way? it is not fair. i am exhausted. i don't want to try any more meds. i don't want to be a failure for the rest of my life. man, this sucks!

i have tried and tried. and, so, i will keep trying. even though i am miserable. i have got to believe that there will be an answer.

maybe, once i have exhausted alllllll of my options, then i might take matters into my own hand. i cannot rationally make that decision until i have tried everything. because there is no reason for it if there are more options.

I'm glad you have them to keep you going. I feel the same way you describe and I've pushed forward completely miserable as well. Right now, I'm starting to feel like I have exhausted many options & although emotionally, I don't want to give up because I'm a fighter, mentally I can't help but realize the very high chance that nothing I do *will* work. And see the futility in trying.

i wish life had been easier for you. one thing after another will drive anyone crazy. no breaks. maybe the hospital will be a break for you? or your doc on tues. you never know when it is just around the corner. don't miss that opportunity. i believe the more one suffers, the greater life will be once you are better.

I worry that I am driving myself crazy.. that one day my mind just won't be able to hack it anymore & I'll mentally check out. That scares me.

I used to wish for that future, and believe in it. But I lost hope.. now I'm just going because that's what you're supposed to do. And I'm feeling ridiculous for not changing that.

i know, i can't begin to understand what you are feeling or have been through. i just know despair and how it feels. i also know that it gets better. hasn't it gotten better for you, too? at times?

Once. In between the situational depression at home and what I now face. It lasted a few months. I felt like a normal person. But that was before realizing that there's nothing I want to do with my life & that I'm just too tired to do anything but go through the motions. And doing that has just gotten harder and harder.. and now I just feel like a failure.

i hope you feel better in the morning and the next morning.

have a beautiful day,

kathryn

Thank you Kathryn. I'm Melissa.

When it's the depression talking, it's hard to make logical, rational decisions. Don't listen to the side of you that says you will always be miserable. You don't know that. There is always tomorrow, another cocktail of meds that might be just the thing. When you are alive there is always the hope and possibility of finding your way out of the bad place. We are here and will always listen and try to give strength and comfort, ok?

Big wishes for relief from the pain

Panz

Thanks, I really do need someone to listen. It's just really hard to see it as the depression talking when I've pretty much always been depressed. I don't really know another way of looking at things. When I did better those couple of months I didn't think of all this, so I don't have another perspective.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hello melissa!

when i ask myself why me i try to figure it out.

i think it has to do with suffering, compassion and empathy.

i don't know the statistics, but i will assume that more people don't have an mental illness than do. of those people, how many are naturally compassionate and empathic? i don't think many because this world would be a better place.

ok. suffering, be it illness, poverty, addiction, abuse should instill compassion and empathy. if you have been there, than you should know how the other person feels. but, i think a lot of people just become bitter and cynical. i think this happens because of our society and its judgements. and, that people never talk about their problems. they hide behind closed doors.

so, the people who care are in the minority.

i think it is up to that minority to reach out to others as best they can. the more people you reach the better chances you have of making a difference. but it is a large task and can become overwhelming.

this is the part that needs to be figured out. how to reach others when you are the minority and they are the majority. and the more people that survive, the stronger the numbers.

but if you ever ask why me, it is because you are in that minority. you can be a part of the solution because you have been there. they need you.

it is a gift to be able to see and understand things that others do not.

please don't give up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hello melissa!

when i ask myself why me i try to figure it out.

i think it has to do with suffering, compassion and empathy.

i don't know the statistics, but i will assume that more people don't have an mental illness than do. of those people, how many are naturally compassionate and empathic? i don't think many because this world would be a better place.

ok. suffering, be it illness, poverty, addiction, abuse should instill compassion and empathy. if you have been there, than you should know how the other person feels. but, i think a lot of people just become bitter and cynical. i think this happens because of our society and its judgements. and, that people never talk about their problems. they hide behind closed doors.

so, the people who care are in the minority.

I completely agree with you. I know that all the stuff I went though when I was younger made me a much stronger person.. because I had to be. Sometimes I resent that. Not being able to have a childhood hurts, but I wouldn't be the same person if I hadn't gone though what I did. I just wish that my more mature self didn't have to carry around all the baggage that I gave myself by struggling though all those years. I'm quite sure that anyone in any minority or who has suffered has a better time relating to and understanding other people's problems. I have unfortunately become quite cynical with the world and myself.. and I admit to hiding that and my pain from the people around me. But I think that also allows me to understand other people's pain and be able to connect with them about it. I really do care about what other people are going through.

i think it is up to that minority to reach out to others as best they can. the more people you reach the better chances you have of making a difference. but it is a large task and can become overwhelming.

this is the part that needs to be figured out. how to reach others when you are the minority and they are the majority. and the more people that survive, the stronger the numbers.

but if you ever ask why me, it is because you are in that minority. you can be a part of the solution because you have been there. they need you.

it is a gift to be able to see and understand things that others do not.

please don't give up.

I agree. I often end up being the person that others feel they can open up too, even though I hide my pain from them.. I come across as someone who will listen without judgment & people seem to be able to sense that about me. It does feel good. Helping other people feels very worthwhile.. like it's something that I can do right for a change. Even if it's just to listen. If I could just do that without all these negative things my life would be much better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If I could just do that without all these negative things my life would be much better.

i am right there with you. it is hard to give of yourself when your world is crashing down around you.

i am sorry about your childhood. i believe even adults should still be a kid. play candyland every once in awhile, color in a coloring book, buy a viewfinder with beautiful, colorful 3-d pictures, stuff like that.

i do find that people open up to me naturally and i am a really good listener. i would love to do more with that. that is why i am trying everything i can to be at peace with myself. but i also know that i can still listen even if i am not a whole person. maybe won't be able to help as much, but can just be there.

it is so easy to be cynical. i get that. maybe just looking at things in a different perspective will help that.

i think it is such a shame to know how many people are alone when in reality there are so many others in the same position. maybe we should all move into our own community? ;)

we wouldn't have to hide our pain if this world was a little more compassionate.

well, it was good hearing from you! thank you for adding me to your friends list!

have a peaceful day,

kathryn

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well guys. I've managed to stay away from doing anything rash. My mood has improved a bit, even though I still have the suicidal thoughts. My SI is healing pretty well too. Hopefully I can stay away from that for awhile.

My pdoc ended up deciding to stop with the Paxil and try the Cymbalta/Lithium combo again to see if it might kick back in since I've had a break from it. I won't know until three more weeks.. since that's always been the time it takes to work for me. Till then I'm pretty much on my own.

Please keep me in your thoughts. You are all in mine.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So Cymbalta worked and its a serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI) so perhaps Effexor-XR (also an SNRI) might work. If that doesn't then maybe combining an SSRI (Luvox is the only one you haven't tried I think) to inhibit the reuptake of seratonin and an NRI (Strattera or Edronax?) for norepinephrine would work like Cymbalta?

I don't know it's just a guess, I'm not a doctor. I'm feeling hopeless and suicidal myself right now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i am right there with you. it is hard to give of yourself when your world is crashing down around you.

i am sorry about your childhood. i believe even adults should still be a kid. play candyland every once in awhile, color in a coloring book, buy a viewfinder with beautiful, colorful 3-d pictures, stuff like that.

Thank you for the kind words. I have kind of adopted humor and silliness to help deal with things.. sometimes I mean it.. other times it's just a front. But it does help a little.

i do find that people open up to me naturally and i am a really good listener. i would love to do more with that. that is why i am trying everything i can to be at peace with myself. but i also know that i can still listen even if i am not a whole person. maybe won't be able to help as much, but can just be there.

I get that.. Listening to others comes easier than listening to myself, and with them.. I can actually help find solutions and make a difference. Helping others deal with their problems is so much easier than dealing with my own.

it is so easy to be cynical. i get that. maybe just looking at things in a different perspective will help that.

i think it is such a shame to know how many people are alone when in reality there are so many others in the same position. maybe we should all move into our own community? :)

Yeah. Hopefully therapy will help with that. It's hard to change the way you see the world. I can understand other points of view easily enough, but it's not easy to change my own while dealing with everything.

*Grin* Yeah, a support city of MI people. We could rotate jobs based on temporary stability. lol

we wouldn't have to hide our pain if this world was a little more compassionate.

well, it was good hearing from you! thank you for adding me to your friends list!

have a peaceful day,

kathryn

I know. It makes it really hard knowing you can't just come out and tell the truth about your situation for fear of being criticized and misunderstood. One of my jobs actually wanted to get rid of me because my tremors from meds could make me "drop something on my foot". *sigh*

Good to hear from you too! Thanks for adding me back! ;)

Take Care,

Melissa

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So Cymbalta worked and its a serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI) so perhaps Effexor-XR (also an SNRI) might work. If that doesn't then maybe combining an SSRI (Luvox is the only one you haven't tried I think) to inhibit the reuptake of seratonin and an NRI (Strattera or Edronax?) for norepinephrine would work like Cymbalta?

I don't know it's just a guess, I'm not a doctor. I'm feeling hopeless and suicidal myself right now.

I thought about the Effexor. If the Cymbalta doesn't work again, I'll probably ask for that next. I'm hoping that since I don't get any negative symptoms from Cymbalta, Effexor start-up and withdrawl wouldn't be as bad either.

Combining meds like that is actually a pretty good idea. I could do a SSRI/NRI/Wellbutrin thing and change the levels independently.. I'll mention that to my pdoc if the next step doesn't work.

I'm sorry to hear that you're doing poorly as well.. I'm here to listen if you want.

[Edit: Corrected an acronym]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wrote out a longer reply but my laptop hates me so it is lost. You seem like you are a little hard to know. Very compassionate, just guarded in certain situations. Then again, I could be full of shit. I'm manic now due to my hubby calling my mother to take me to the hospital. Hospitals cost a lot, so if you need to be in one to rest up, check it out first. Some even have online info for patients. I'm reasonably sure I didn't help you a bit but, my intentions were good. Keep checking in.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wrote out a longer reply but my laptop hates me so it is lost. You seem like you are a little hard to know. Very compassionate, just guarded in certain situations. Then again, I could be full of shit.

Actually, you're dead on.. unfortunately. People have told me that at first I come across as distant..sometimes even unfriendly. I don't really know why, and it bothers me that they see that. Once we start talking, they change that mindset pretty quickly and see me as a nice, caring person. I use humor and playfulness to connect to them, and I can usually get along with most people. But I am very guarded. IRL I generally only show the aspects of myself that the other person will respond to. I don't know if it comes from a place of just wanting to be liked or being so un-confrontational. I just focus on the good points in myself and others.. and let go of the rest. When I do find someone that I feel I can really connect with, I can and do open up and let them see me for who I am. Talking about my serious aspects just comes really hard for me & requires alot of trust. I grew up having to guard myself against others, and that's a very hard trait to change... I don't know if I even should. It isolates me.. but keeps me safe at the same time..

It's just one of my many mental issues. You're perceptive to pick up on it.

I'm manic now due to my hubby calling my mother to take me to the hospital. Hospitals cost a lot, so if you need to be in one to rest up, check it out first. Some even have online info for patients. I'm reasonably sure I didn't help you a bit but, my intentions were good. Keep checking in.

Yeah, sometimes I really do think it would be great to just go away and take a break. Unfortunately, if I did that it would just make all the outside stuff worse. I'm glad you posted. I'll try to keep checking in.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...