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Have been lurking in the shadows ... but it seems safe to come out now...

Had bad experience on another board so have been looking around for a while and found this one. Which was the first board that made me truely laugh! (In a good way - truely!!!!)

Anyway I'm 43 year old female with BPD, NPD and Schziotypical traits (though could have more who knows!!! So sick of the DSM criteria - what number is it up to now!!), SI only started 2 years ago - though this dx has taken 20 years. After 2nd suicide attempt at 23 - first at 13 father told docs was just a typical hysterical female teenager - was finally sent to psych who said nothing wrong with me just a bit of depression...Spent the next 18 years trying to get as far away from my family as possible so ended up in Oz for 10 years and tried many "New Age" therapies!

2 years ago - can't believe it's that long ago - meds!!!! - had a melt down. Left uni lost my job and now have one friend in the same city I'm in but our friendship is more based on getting out of it and watching movies. Found really good doc and saw my doc's notes from years ago only to find a letter from the psych I saw at 23 who said I had personality disorder!!?? Couldn't believe it!!! That information might have been a tad useful back then....mind you probably wouldn't have ended up in Oz where I finally met people I could relate to. Hey ho!

Anyway my wonderful doc has left and went to meet the new one and she is awful! She's already told me my"hallucinations" aren't real and has refused to renew my meds as she doesn't think I need them as antipsychotics are for really servere cases. (I was quite lucid the day I went and one of my worse fears has come true - she doesn't believe me) I have had several visits to the local hospital and been checked in overnight - I know thats not very long but I will do anything to avoid being hospitalised - I get REALLY bad if I'm not in my own flat. Also have a friend who's spent 5 years in psych care and he can always talk me down - even had to talk me out of the toilet one time!

So now really worried I'm going to have an episode as not on the meds......

But (think positive ... read about the elastic band thing going to try it) I was in a Personality Disorder Group - new thing in the UK - but left because felt I couldn't connect with anyone as they were "not of the same calibre" bloody NPD!!!!!!!! Anyway in desperation have contacted them for help with regards doc .... we shall see...(They also run a TC and the psych is really anti-meds - he's quite cool and incredibly knowledgable)

Good news is after waiting for 6 months have an assessment with a CBT this weekend. I'm getting more and more anxious though as have to go quite a way on the bus and know worried that he'll be like the doc and won't believe me.

Anyway have rambled probably far too much ........


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I wanted to say welcome to the board.

I know it's frustrating when your doctor just isn't listening to you. The only thing you can really do for now is to keep telling her what is going on and explain it in as many ways as possible. And just because she isn't working out great, it doesn't mean the TDoc won't, so try not to worry ahead of time about that.

It's good that you are trying to get advice on the doctor situation though. If you feel like she's not listening and it doesn't improve, is there anyone else you could see?

Glad you decided to sign up.


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Thanks for your welcome guys!

The Group I contacted again does have advocates who will contact your doc if you are having problems with them so just waiting to hear back from them. Also have a review date for Group 9 July - so thats positive.

I left 'cause I didn't feel I could relate to anyone - which I have recently come to terms with actually through reading about Buddhist philosophies. To be quite honest I get caught up with the idea/thoughts that I'm better, above, different, they won't understand me to people. Which is when my NPD kicks and so I end up isolating myself from people plus the whole fear of intimacy and abandonment issues! I have had very few friends in my life - aquaintances yes in my 20 twenties from uni and work. Even as a child I didn't many friends - wasn't good socially - and was actually very withdrawn living in my own world. Theres more to it but getting off the point now....

Anyway .... have come to terms that with the fact that I could benefit more by interacting with a Group of people that would actually be in a safe environment.

With regards to hallucinations I think I may be using the wrong terminology. If I describe them then maybe someone could explain the differences between hallucinations, delusions and psychotic episodes......

For example I have had a huge demon which I can see, hear and smell, feel its wins flapping, appear in my flat, the walls disappear or ripple. When talking to people they turn into giant insects such as praying mantis type and end up watching how they move rather than what they are talking about. Have had roads turn into rivers and looked down at my feet where the water is lapping against them. Cars appear as if they are floating as the road disappears - makes it extremely difficult to cross the road!!! And so on..... When I'm in one it can vary - if threatened I'm shit scared and will do anything to feel safe or can be watching and think this can't be happening and voices come saying it is real, this is what's really happening, you have the ability to see how the universe really works, you are the Awaken one etc... After its happened and I feel as if I'm back in my body and realitively normal (or so it seems as not quite sure what "normal" is) I question the whole thing and really not sure. Why can I see stuff, some of it being true such as things about people - have been down the whole psychic thing trying to look for answers.

In the past have tripped but they were hallucinations and could see through them, knew that it wasn't real. It was different - no smell, couldn't feel them, if I reached out and touched them would disappear. In fact although have dabbled with drugs I've had more intense and better highs being clean than with drugs - infact they're always a disappointment and have lessened my experience of the world - who needs drugs when you CAN be God! (Did post on Schizophrenic board in reply about losing the God feeling and being mortal)

So hallucinations, delusions or psychotic episodes?............

I don't like AP - Zyprexa made me eat like a horse! Did go up to 20mg but felt completely numb though no voices or such. With my previous doc and advice from the Group's psych, was managing 5mgs 3 times a week and doubled it if I got stressed - as it sometimes can be a trigger though not always - or if I needed to do something like leave the house to go to Group and that was working. Now as have run out they becoming more frequent and starting to take hold for longer.

Karuna - was interested in your experiences and advice about how you manage with them now when stressed. Have CBT appt this Sat and stress is starting to build but will get there even if I have to catch a cab - which would be quite expensive but heyho want my life in balance more!!!!!!!

Well thanks again much appreciated.


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Hi there & welcome. I admit I only skimmed your posts, the font was too small for me to focus on. At the ripe old age of 34. ;)

I think delusions are beliefs you hold to be true, even with logical evidence that they can not be. Hallucinations are seeing or hearing things that aren't there. Someone else will come along and explain that better, that's just the basics I know. I've learned a lot from this board & I hope you do too. Post away!

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