Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

I lasted almost nine months - trigger potential


Recommended Posts

I stopped SI late last year because I scared myself. I had visions of breaking bones in my head and that set something off and I stopped. Many, many nights of sitting with a razor, hands trembling and my brain spinning. Somehow I got past it and as time past it became easier and easier to say no to the blade. I thought I was in the clear, this time it would last, this time it would be for good but that was not the case.

I had too much going on at one time. I was receiving all sorts of messages too fast and I could not process them all. Every trick I have in my arsenal did not work and I found myself with blade in hand. The parent in me kicked in and I knew I could not let my three year old see the marks nor my exwife who would use it against me. I chose my stomach for some reason and I am not sure why as I could have used my legs. Regardless I made one hell of a mess trying to get to that point where everything made sense again. Needless to say everyday is a cutting session.

I had always missed cutting, when it was gone it would never just disappear from my concious. Right now I am in that state where I no it is not good for me but it feels so right. I can handle pain and it almost feels good to hurt again. Now I need to figure out away back onto the horse and start healing again

take care

trg247

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know anything about SI. Tomorrow is another day and there's no reason to beat yourself up over it (no pun intended.) Could you talk to your pdoc, tdoc, crisis line, or your wife when you feel these horrible urges? I know it sounds generic, but try to do anything other than hurting yourself. Maybe a set schedule to your day and plenty of time with your little one. Kids are precious and just hanging out with him would be somewhat fulfilling. Your wife will use your SI against you? Sorry didn't catch that part. Would she go to a therapist for you? Would she support you through your recovery. I wish you the best, please talk to a professional. Let me know how it turns out. Don't cut- one day at a time, right?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi:

Thanks for the responses

My wife left about a year ago with our child saying I needed to fix mysel and then we would work on our relationship. About a month ago she said that was it and she was never coming back. So now I get my son one day a week and I spend the rest of the time alone with the only communicating I do is through sites similar to this one.

I have had three therapists back to back quit on me after the second or third meeting saying my case was too complex, I was not stable enough and they did not have the capabilities to handle a client who SI. So I have given up on that

Right now everything is right about SI. It helps me sleep, it get all my frustrations out and for some reason the pain is very comforting and reassuring.

I told my doctor about it the other day and he asked where I was cutting and he then changed the subject. When I quit last time I was taking Zyprexa which seemed to help with the urges and thoughts. I also gained a lot of weight quickly so this med is no longer an option. Hopefully I will wake up one day and the urges and thoughts will be gone, one can hope

take care

trg247

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i'm a little confused by your doc's response; to care where you're cutting but not why is not helpful, and it makes me a little angry at him. maybe it's an established habit by now, but it's not a great one, and it would seem to indicate that whatever you're taking and doing is not working out.

for me, being stable in life is the primary thing that helps with wanting to SI. if everything else is falling apart for me, i don't want to try and fall back on my alternatives. i don't see a reason to try -- other than maybe the fear someone will see and worry about it, or confront me about it. guilt and fear aren't any help when it comes to stopping; they just make it worse.

i know there isn't any easy way to go about fixing life's problems, but the stress in your life does seem pretty much the direct cause of your latest run of cutting. therapists seem to be scared off by the SI, but missing your family and the feelings surrounding that are something any therapist should be willing to try to help you with.

a therapist willing to go slowly, combined with maybe a med change, seems like the way to go. it sucks that the zyprexa didn't work out, but there might be other options, and maybe just something to give you a break from the urges to cut would be enough to let you work on the other shit you're dealing with.

cutting won't just go away on its own, it's true -- not by wishing, i mean. but it's much harder to stop when you have so many other things going on. as i started working on the various things that were fucked up in my life, the urges began to slow, i was able to work on ignoring them, and somehow, over a long, long time, by stringing together periods of time where i was stable, and by trying to remember those stable times when things.... weren't so stable, cutting just sort of... fell away.

if the therapists are trying to start with cutting, i think that's a problem. finding someone who doesn't judge the cutting, but doesn't just *ignore it*, either, would help a lot, i think. i don't know how you can go about that, because such things are hard to find, but that seems like the best way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

it doesn't seem particularly useful to me to just sit around hoping that you'll want to stop sometime. i don't know if you've ever had that happen, but i haven't. it's always been a struggle for me to stop, and even now (seven months without) i still have urges sometimes. i think that you need to find a good therapist. i know how hard that is and it seems like a daunting task while you're doing it, but... a good therapist will help you so much. i don't know if there's an easy way to find one that's good, but i wish you good luck with that. (i found mine after being hospitalized, so... heh.)

i agree that it's immensely important to find a therapist who will chiefly address the underlying causes and bad feelings, but who doesn't ignore the way that those feelings are being played out, ie cutting. they do exist, though. you might be able to call a hospital or a psychiatric establishment of some kind and ask for a therapist who knows how to deal with cutting. that might make the search somewhat easier. i think it's really important to have someone there that you can at least talk to.

you said that you don't connect much with the outside world. i think you should start trying to. i have agoraphobia, so my experiences with the oustide world are probably different than yours, but. you should go somewhere that you feel relatively safe and just socialize a little. you don't necessarily have to even connect with anyone (although i think that would be good also) but just be there and maybe have small talk with someone. maybe even look for a MI group in your area -- although that requires commitment and i know that's hard to do. go to a bar. or a coffee shop, or even just walk around a shopping center for a while. that helps me sometimes, just to be thrust back into the world.

everyone's different. as someone on the board said, guilt doesn't help anything. ever. so good luck with getting yourself back together, and i strongly encourage you to try actually doing something instead of just hoping it will go away.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all very much for the advice given.

The last therapist was recommended by the therapist I had in the hospital. This new therapist was suppose to be the best in town and specialized in PTSD. Where I live there is not a lot of therapists out there. So this lady who was a nun by the way asked on the second meeting how I handled stress and I said through SI. Wrong answer she wrapped up the session half an hour early and said she would no longer treat/see me and I was not stable enough to be going through therapy. I had just spent two months in a mental hospital I doubt I am ever going to be much more stable. I have not tried since

Cutting feels right. At this point in my life this works. I am not happy with this but I know I am not going to stop right now. I know to be able to stop again I am going to need to have proper coping mechanisms in place. The goal is to minimize the amount of damage done while at the same time learn better ways to cope

take care

trg247

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So this lady who was a nun by the way asked on the second meeting how I handled stress and I said through SI. Wrong answer she wrapped up the session half an hour early and said she would no longer treat/see me and I was not stable enough to be going through therapy.

"I was not stable enough to be going to therapy."

Interesting... I can't even really find words for that...

Cutting feels right. At this point in my life this works. I am not happy with this but I know I am not going to stop right now. I know to be able to stop again I am going to need to have proper coping mechanisms in place. The goal is to minimize the amount of damage done while at the same time learn better ways to cope

I mean, it is good that you know that cutting is not the best way to be dealing with things. I know, though, what it is like when you say that at this point "cutting feels right." It isn't good and I am not promoting it at all, but sometimes... I don't know how to say it without sounding wierd... sometimes you just aren't ready.

The good thing is that you know that there are better ways to cope and that you need to learn some of those coping mechanisms... and, all in all, you are not happy with the cutting lifestyle, but know why you are doing it.

To stop cutting, you really do have to be ready. At least I think that that is the safest way. I know that I am being a bit of a hypocrite, but that is only bc I don't like people going through what I have. I have been cut free for about 3 months (130 days today). It has come at a price, though, and sometimes I wonder if it was worth it all or if I was better off cutting. I know that that sounds weird, but I tend to escalate pretty fast to things. I would consciously not cut when very upset, but that quickly escalates to me ODing on various pills or other harmful things. I am still having a lot of trouble and am putting a lot of pressure on myself.

My point is that you need to have mechanisms to cope in order to give up the way you currently cope (cutting). As long as you feel that what you are doing in not life threatening and you are taking care of your wounds properly, I would say that you should not put pressure on yourself and upset yourself... work on finding a therapist and other ways to cope with things. If you can, try some cutting alternatives...

Be good to yourself and take care of yourself however you have to. Do not punish yourself.

I hope what I said makes sense... I am a little out of it...

Be well...

~Ophelia~

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...