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LAzy, dAzed and cOnfused...

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In the past, when I took Adderall, I only had to take 10mg and I felt like I was flying high all day. Now, I take 45mg and its seems to have no effect. I actually kind of miss the way it made me feel...It was like I had so much confidence. I got so much done. I was so optimistic.

SO, maybe I became addicted?? Can that happen?

Lately, Nothing can get me going. I haven't been able to hold, even a part time job for more than 4 months in the past year. So now I have an on-call job. It works because it is unpredictable just like me. Does anyone else have a problem with their job?

Everyone I went to high school with is now becoming so sucessful and doing great things with their lives. And I can't even get my ass in gear. :)

Its like, when I am in a hypomania state I am taking 3 steps forward. Than I become depressed and seem to undo all the good I have accomplished..and take 10 steps back in my walk of life.

I want to do so many things..but its like I have become afraid. I dream a lot. I dream of my future. I dream of things people are already doing. Simple things like, having a boyfriend for more than 3 months. Or having friends that won't walk away from me. I dream of the life everyone around me has. Its a pathetic dream. Sometiems, I feel like I am destined for the status quo.

Many times, since I am in denial of my mental illness, I blame myself for being lazy and stupid. :cussing:

I always feel like I have some sort of personality defect. Because if I blame my ADD or depression, or my bipolar, than it feels like I am not willing to face up to my below average life. I don't know what is me and what is my illnesss. Is there a difference??

Do you know that I don't even know what its like to have fun anymore? Isolation has become my friend.

I actually don't even know if I am on a "high" or a "low"..Do you know what I mean? I feel low, but I have the behavior of a person on a high. I act irresponsible, especially when I drink. But sometimes whe I start drinking I can't stop. I have lost friends over this. It makes me even more depressed. But I just tell myself I am a college student and this is what all college students do. Act out and "experiment".

I wrote some of my feelings down, and this entry is a bit unorganized. I know I ramble a lot, but that is just how my brain is. Random. So I hope that people can offer me insight on what it is like having bipolar and if there is anyone out there that can relate to some of these problems. I have no one on my life that can understand what its like and I need some support.

I try so hard to hide. I feel ashamed. :wtf:

I hate the way people view people with bipolar. We aren't a menace to society, but "normal" poeple act that way. Why is it that anyone different from the norm is treated like they are not even human.

Yeah, I can't sleep at night and many times I sleep all day. Maybe I like it that way.

Sleeping is an excellent solution for not dealing with any problems. ;)

People can be cruel, especially people my age. It is like, when your in your 20's (I'm 21) I'm supposed to be living up to some unwritten standard of living. Like I am supposed to be perfect and have everything figured out. Everyone I know acts like they have it all figured out. People my age are getting married

and traveling the world. And what am I doing?

Being lazy and in a constant state of confusion. Its hard to even get out of bed. Sometimes I wonder what the point is. Thoughts of suicide?? No, I am in denial about that too.

Do other people experience such confusion?

When faced with a decision, I feel overwhelmed..even if its deciding between chocolate or vanilla.

I would really appreciate some feedback, opinions, advice, insight, personal experiences or thoughts on my entry.

Thanks :cussing:

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i'm here to listen to you, don't worry. i'm 28 and i understand what it's like to feel that pressure to succeed in your 20s. people don't understand that 30 is the new 20 and we're busy finding ourselves through our entire lives. this is especially true for people with mood disorders like bp. we never know how we're going to feel from one moment to the next, so how are we supposed to plan a lifetime?

motivation is a problem for ADDers and BPers too. you have a double slap on the face, just like i do. i totally understand how you feel. it is so hard to succeed with the experiences in your life and the people in your life when you aren't even able to think clearly and be motivated.

then there's the desired hypo state. i haven't had a hypo state in a very long time, but when i did, it always scared me to death (because i knew where it was going and mania isn't pretty, but it has been YEARS since i've been like that). i know the heights and depths of human experience. of course, compared to depression, the higher states are very appealing. the trick is to avoid both at all costs and take a very good mood stabilizer.

as it says in my sig, i take adderall (something perhaps you should talk to your pdoc about replacing), WB, Abilify, and Lamictal. this is a great combo for me. i'm not tired, i'm bright and motivated, i can think clearly, and i no longer experience social failure and isolation. i can make and keep friends. it is all because my meds are right.

look into switching up your meds. you shouldn't be feeling the way you do. you can be relatively symptom-free for long periods of time with the right line-up. i haven't had a serious mood problem in a long time. sure, i feel fluxuations, but nothing compared to when i was in my early 20s and not on the right meds. it has taken this long to find what works.

feel free to pm if you want. i'm listening.


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I'm the old broad in the group, and I, too, have both BP and ADD. As does my son, who has feeling just like you--all his friends are thru college, have these fab jobs, etc. etc. And me--well, all my friends are retiring cause they had great jobs and made lots of money and played all the games right, and I ran off with the circus (actually, just ran off with a biker, but there are amazing similarities)

So--that inertia, that "what have I done with my life" shit hits you at every age. I used to love speed, now I take Adderall just to focus--no fun upsie times, no great sex cause you're high, no being able to drink ALL NIGHT and stay sober.

I am on my 3rd job this year, got fired from the last two, and am scared shitless about this one.

But we make it, all of us in our own peculiar ways, andyou will, too. I agree with Loon about talking to your doc about a med tune-up. I just had my Zoloft uped, and its made a big difference, oddly enough.

But mainly I want to say--we're crazy, we're here, we're listening, keep posting.

Love, china

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hello lov3. are you an artist? i noticed you took the time to make your post beautiful with all of the different font sizes and colors.

i don't think you are addicted to the adderall. you have just built up a tolerance. you need more to get the same effect.

you know all those people in your high school? well, they have not learned the important things that you have. with suffering comes compassion, empathy and tolerance. they are on the same path that society expects them to be. you probably grew up thinking the same thing. but, i don't think it is so natural to be on that path. it is like being a drone. they are blindly accepting that this is how life should work because everybody says so. their minds do not expand to such depths that those with mental illness experience. it is a gift.

you can feel others pain. which can be a burden, of course. but, it gives you this opportunity to reach out to others. your experience will help people make it through. make it through all the crap that living in this society can throw out at you. you had to learn things the hard way because of the lack of caring in this society. wouldn't it be nice if we could just help to make things easier for others?

sorry, i know its freakin' hard just to get out of bed in the morning let alone be somebody's shoulder. i just don't know if we ever will be able to stand up to society's expectations. and i don't think those expectations are so reasonable. too much damn pressure in this world to be either this or that.

question the norm. just look where this world is heading. its not right. it doesn't work. so why be caught up in doing things the wrong way?

you can still have a future. maybe it just takes looking in another direction.

i know it is soooo hard for you. being 21, you should be out there having fun. just hang in there. i hope things get better for you.

have a spectacular day!


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I'm 28 and just starting on the journey of being bipolar. You're already ahead of me having figured this much out at 21. But I relate to your constant comparisons of yourself to others--all my friends from high school finished college and have great jobs and I never made it that far. I also can't tell when I'm high or low anymore and don't quite know how to feel about that. I don't know how this helps you but I just wanted to say hi and let you know I was out here listening.

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I am not sure what to say. I've got one friend who just got happily married, one who's got a high-paying job, a few who are within a year of finishing medical school, and so on, and so forth.

Interestingly, not one person has all three of those things. The wed friend of mine is complaining about trying to live in Northern California with a combined $50k income and is upset that she couldn't withstand the craniorectal insertion found in her PhD program and had to drop out... the one with the high-paying job is going to hit the salary glass ceiling in a few years (not to mention, he can't interact with girls worth a damn), and the med students are all indigent financially, moreso than I am... and 3-6 years from a job as a real, fully-paid physician.

so I'm sitting here, going to start graduate school next fall. 3 years of that, then I'm supposed to be able to get a job (in theory).

I know how it is to become mentally and physically disabled... the former happened to me 13 years ago (MDD/BPII), the latter (brain infection causing a Parkinson syndrome), 2 years ago. though, none of that stops us from having some sort of use in life. it does make some more sense to try and find something to occupy oneself with, although that does take a lot of consideration, and often a lot of struggle.

My first bout with my brain infection (encephalitis) indirectly caused me to permanently dump my plans for medical school in 2005. I then went planless for more than a year (finding a job only at the courtesy and generosity of a friend), and then set my sights on that graduate degree. That's where I'm headed now... there are no guarantees... my encephalitis is like my BP, just worse... if they can't get it under control, then I feel I'll be permanently useless to society.

sorry if the above made no sense, I'm prone to incoherency and rambling these days (moreso than usual, that is). in any event, the volition to keep moving and explore our possibilities automatically overcomes our BP.

even if doing that does require large doses of Adderall. ;)

(n.B. -- your stimulant may vary; I use FocalinXR.)

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