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I'm in a glass case of Emotion!


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I joined a sorority my freshmen year of college. I did it because I wanted to meet new people. I thought I would be great at making friends. Well, just the opposite happened. I found out how horrible I was at forming relationships and keeping friends. I found out that I had no personality. I had no sense of self. The friends I actually have made these past few years, the relationships I have had, have felt disconnected, distant, and have been more for the illusion of a happy life

I am an easily influenced person. I had a "friend" in high school that was very fake. Yet had what I wanted. Lot of friends and popularity. Being friends with her would benefit me so I put up with her annoying qualities. Wow, I sound like a horrible person.

Anyway,

I often felt this person was very insensitive but soon realized she was just VERY insecure. I was a bit insecure in high school too. So when I was with this person, her insecurity amplified MY insecurity.

I became fake too. I hide all my lovely quirks and wild imagination. I hid. I didn't want to be rejected by my "clique" of friends. It was more beneficial to me at the time to sacrifice my happiness for the sake of image. I wanted people to see me as popular.

Silly silly me.

I went shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch. I did all the things a preppy high school girl should do.

But inside I was dying. Pieces were falling apart inside and I felt it, yet ignored it.

Deep down, I looked at the punk rock girls in my high school with such jealousy. I thought they were so cool. But no one else did. They had streaks of purple in their hair and dated guys that played the guitar. They were rebels. But, I accepted that I couldn't associate with these people according to some unwritten high school rule my friends made up.

Anyway, freshmen year of college I found out I basically sucked at life. I became physically and emotionally sick that year. I also was diagnosed with ADD. On top of that, I had a best friend of 6 years die in a car accident several months before HS graduation. She was my best friend, her name was Jessica, and her funeral was the first funeral I had ever been to. It was the first dead body I had ever seen.

It effected me greatly and was no doubt, what triggered my depression.

I hated this new feeling of despair. A feeling I didn't even know existed hit me like a semi truck.

Although, I didn't want to deal with all the crap. And I became good at keeping inside, hiding the pain, all with a smile on my face to try and convince the world I was fine.

Well my smile faded and my sophomore year when I was 19, I took a year off of school. I was diagnosed with bipolar II. I was diagnosed while in the depression phase.

I shut out life that year. I became a zombie. Unable to get out of bed even while my cell phone rang all day. I didn't care who was calling. I generally didn't care about anything at all anymore.

So, junior year of school. Yeah, a mess too. I was flying high my first semester of the 06-07 school year. Sweet, my meds were working! Wrong. It wasn't the meds. It was a wonderful state of hypomania. In January, depression again. I turned 21 january of this year and decided it would be a good idea to mix anti-depressants with lots and lots of alcohol. ;) Not good. I did it every weekend. I acted out in some way when I became drunk. I would either get angry, or cry my eyes out. I knew drinking was only making things worse, but I couldn't stop.

I drank to escape from the world. I had sex with strangers, got raped and got an STD...all while trashed beyond belief.

Lately, I like to be alone. I like privacy. I normally don't open up...and like to stay quiet. I like to sit at airports and malls and just watch people (not in a creepy way) I just mean I like to watch people interact. Its interesting. I have always felt like an outsider looking in, even on my own life.

Another thing, even at my most "normal" times, I have always been a little weird ya know? Even at the young age of 11, I knew I was just, different.

I sometimes have these dreams that I am a different person. When I am depressed or feel rejected, I make up a whole other life for myself as sort of ... an escape. I started doing this in middle school, in 7th grade when I was a bit of a loner. Back than, it was how great high school was going to be. I imagined that i would be thin and happy... with a life I knew I couldn't have yet convinced myself I could. i avoided living in the present moment by imagining what my future would be like. It doesn't sound too abnormal, maybe. But I have shifted from simple fantasies to now, more elaborate ones. I feel like an absolute freak for this. I let my life fall apart, crash and burn around me, yet manage to live in a constant state of denial bout it because of this unreal, larger than life belief that things will change dramatically. So dramatically, that I will hardly be the same person in the near future. It feels like the ultimate avoidance of reality.

I avoid so many things. Everything.

I have wondered for while now if I have a personality disorder. And stumbling across a website, I took a quiz to find out. The quiz said I scored very high for avoidant type, and I found it on

4degreez.com

I'd really like more info on avoidant type personality disorder, or if there is anyone out there that has it and can offer bits and pieces of themselves to me.

Also, I always appreciate any thoughts, advice or insights in general.

:)

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I can tell you that you strike me as an articulate, artistic, imaginative person, who does have a genuine empathy and interest in people. Don't forget those good qualities, hold onto them.

Thank you so much. Sometimes it is easy for me to only see the negative aspects of myself and fear thats all other people see as well.

Also, thanks for the info. Its so helpful for me to know there are other people that can relate to me. Its really been changing my perspective on things. In a good way.

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Like mental disorders, personality disorders are not things to self-diagnose with. If you're concerned enough to self-diagnose, you need to talk to a psychiatrist to rule in or rule out that diagnosis.

As Karuna says (or perhaps stronger than she says), online quizzes are crap.

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