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I have a serious problem. Seriously. I used to tell myself its normal to experiment in college and get so trashed you don't remember your own name. But its not normal. And its definitely a disaster when you are drunk and punch another girl in the face, cry and generally act like a lunatic. Well, that lunatic was me on Saturday night.

I was the crazy drunk girl (not new) but my behavior was identical to an episode of MtVs real world.

I am ashamed and mad and just generally hate myself for acting the way I did. Theres like 1% of me that feels like hot shit...ya know..so bad ass. ;)

But for the most part, I hate myself. A lot.

Anyway, it gets worse. If my erratic behavior wasn't bad enough...guess what I do next?

Drive. I fucking got behind the wheel of a car. I am against drunk driving with a passion. I am a hypocrite.

At least I had a teeny bit of sense to stop at fast food place to eat, ya know, sober up a little. I sat for awhile and when I could see straight I got back in the car. I was about an hour away from my house. Everything was going fine until my eyes began to feel really dry. I pulled to the side of rode and put on my flashers to get my eye drops. I was only about 20 min from home at this point but I just wanted to be careful ya know and not get pulled over. Yeah so much for that.

A super-trooper scared the hell out me by peering inside my window as I was searching for my eye-drops. Immediately, I regretted my decision to try and soothe my poor eyes.

Fucking eye-drops.

Anyway, I couldn't find my license, was asked to get out of the car, do those little balancing act games and take a breathalyzer.

Blew a 1.4. The food I ate didn't help apparently.

I was cuffed, searched, photographed and locked in a tiny holding cell for 8 HOURS.

I had lots of time to reflect.

Maybe for some people, a DWI is not a big deal. But it is a BIG deal for me. I am supposed to be a model daughter. I am supposed to be a good person. I am supposed to be anything else than what i have become.

This is seriously rock bottom for me. I thank GOD I did not get in an accident or kill poor innocent drivers. Of course things could always be worse, but for me this whole situation just plain sucks.

And ya know what else is really bad? I don't think I can stop drinking. Trust me I have tried. But its too hard. Way too hard. I feel powerless. Like no matter what I want to do can't get done. I feel like a slave to my mental illness which is a big part of my anger outbursts and crying spells when I drink.

I want to change so much.

Help.

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I'm sorry you got a DUI. That gives you some food for thought.

If I may make a suggestion: I couldn't make it through your post because of the random fonts and colors. Many of us here have difficulty concentrating and reading anyhow, and the 'ransom note" quality is surprisingly distracting.

I'll try to catch up tonight. cheers, a.m.

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If I may make a suggestion: I couldn't make it through your post because of the random fonts and colors. Many of us here have difficulty concentrating and reading anyhow, and the 'ransom note" quality is surprisingly distracting.

Thanks for the suggestion. I will try to keep my posts less flashy and colorful, but I like my signature, and I'm keeping it because it expresses my own personal style. ;)

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Mp, the only thing I would ask is that you use a slightly larger font. Us old folks have trouble with that tiny type.

So, if you want to get out of this morass of self-loathing, take some action.

Find out about the classes you can take that they offer to people who get a DUI and take the class before you're required to by the judge. This will show them that you are contrite and want to mend your ways.

If you're drinking so much that you can't remember stuff, it may be time to check out AA or see a substance abuse counselor.

When your court date comes, be sure you have a competent attorney, dress in appropriate clothing, and be deferential to the judge. It won't matter too much because most states have basic sentences for drunk driving, and he will have to give you that minimum sentence.

I was arrested and convicted for something when I was 21, and it seemed like the end of the world. But I got through it and you will, too.

olga

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Been there, done that...at age 17. Was one of the most painful experiences in my life.

Taught me alot though.

But it was hell going through it, I'm not going to lie.

Please keep posting and talking about your experiences, this is going to be a rough spot for you. Hang in there.

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do you currently have a therapist or a psychiatrist? anyone involved in treating you should know what happened, and when you talk to them, you really must be open about the problems-with-drinking thing. effexor's kind of a funky med for you to be taking, for a few reasons:

first, if you're bipolar, and you're running around with no mood stabiliser, that's generally a bad thing. i don't know if you're between meds right now; i'm just going by your profile. if you have the effexor to get you up and out of depressions, but you tend towards mania sometimes, the effexor might just keep going, leading you to spiral into mania. which sucks. all antidepressants can do that, but effexor is particularly likely to do it, since it works on multiple reuptake inhibitors. and when you're manic, as you probably know, you're more likely to do stupid stuff. like drinking and driving. and punching people in the face. and on and on.

second, effexor has a particularly weird relationship with alcohol. drinking on effexor is a bad idea in general -- two listed side effects in the PI sheet are alcohol intolerance and alcohol abuse. sure, lots of crazy people abuse alcohol, and sure, sometimes in the PI sheet (that thing with the small print that came with your prescription) things like, say, 'flu are listed, because someone in a test group happened to get an unrelated illness.

but effexor, when it's working, is tough on your liver. many meds are. it also screws around in your brain, which all meds do. drinking while you're on effexor is always going to be hard on your liver, and some people (depending on personal chemistry) are likely to either become unable to drink without being ill, or -- perhaps a bit paradoxically -- to start drinking far too much. both abuse and intolerance are listed as rare side effects, but they can happen.

the effexor may be partly to blame, but regardless of its role in this, you do have a drinking problem -- which i think you know, and understand. you need to stop -- and i think you know that, too, but you don't seem to believe that you can.

you can, though. i know it can be done, because i've seen people do it. often it does require something really horrible happening, like a DUI. it took a DUI for a good friend of mine to understand that he needed to deal with his drinking, and he did. it was fucking hard, but he did, and you can, too. get your doctors to help you. your friends can help, too, and your family, if you feel comfortable involving them. do what you must, legally, but get your medical team involved, too.

cheer up, though. at least your i-have-a-problem moment didn't involve anyone getting hurt. when that happens, it really, really sucks. and you have the power now to keep yourself from ever having to deal with that happening.

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Blew a 1.4.

Um, no. You'd be dead. Like, two or three times over.

I was cuffed, searched, photographed and locked in a tiny holding cell for 8 HOURS.

I had lots of time to reflect.

Looking back, I certainly wish I'd only ever been locked up for 8 hours at a time...for such a charge, I'd expect no less than 24...

Here's the deal. You CAN stop drinking. When i went to AA (while in rehab) I heard stories that started out like yours...end got exponentially worse. (Like the guy who landed his plane on the main road through town so he could hit a bar...)

Finding stability is a key factor. Once you're more-or-less stabilized, you should find that the pull of alcohol ain't so bad. It's worked for me. Meanwhile, finding some way to deal with the substance problem itself...well, we've got links pinned. Certainly I expect your mental health professional would be more than glad to help.

It's not hopeless. There IS a way. Just don't despair and keep on keeping on...one day at a time.

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Getting help for your alcohol addiction should be paramount. Before your court date check into AA, rehabs, or programs that deal with addictions. That will be a plus when you go before a judge. If he/she believes you are seriously working on a solution (instead of the making excuses paris hilton route), it can only be good for you. Hopefully no jail time will be required and this will mark a beginning of a new lifestyle for you. My current hubby got a DWI when he was 19 and it was a real turning point for him. Best of luck to you!

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if i could persuade you to pull out all the stops and work every angle, get every iota of help that is to be had-from any source available, i would.

from the perspective of having self medicated for 40 years with every depressant to be found; there is one inarguable fact. your life will be compromised, the deck stacked against the prospect of happiness if you do not find reason to stop.

it is a struggle, there are no words to describe the conflict encountered by those of us that realise that we must avoid the stuff but cave in again and again.

you may have to hit bottom before you gain control. the state may have to hit you harder and harder before your self interest overcomes your addiction. what you have on your side is youth. if you can begin to recover your self control before the years roll on, it is going to be less difficult. that is the way of addictions and our nature.

my only wish is for your well being. if only i had an answer to addiction!

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if i could persuade you to pull out all the stops and work every angle, get every iota of help that is to be had-from any source available, i would.

from the perspective of having self medicated for 40 years with every depressant to be found; there is one inarguable fact. your life will be compromised, the deck stacked against the prospect of happiness if you do not find reason to stop.

it is a struggle, there are no words to describe the conflict encountered by those of us that realise that we must avoid the stuff but cave in again and again.

you may have to hit bottom before you gain control. the state may have to hit you harder and harder before your self interest overcomes your addiction. what you have on your side is youth. if you can begin to recover your self control before the years roll on, it is going to be less difficult. that is the way of addictions and our nature.

my only wish is for your well being. if only i had an answer to addiction!

Dear MP tea Luv3;

You have been given some good advice by all, however the most valuable advice comes from the heart of 'r.mcmurphy', and it woud be in your best interest to follow it to the letter. You should arrange inpatient detox immediately, followed by inpatient rehab. I am surprised your family has not suggested/insisted on you doing so.

There are many very serious and important reasons why you should stop drinking today. You know them all.

It's shocking that you take even 1% pleasure/pride in being known as "the drunk girl" and a hard-ass...You are truly short-sighted, and I am 100% sure incredibly unattractive to be around when drinking. No intoxicated woman is even mildly attractive much less pretty or beautiful, and from your signature I get the feeling that being pretty matters to you. So, since none of the other really 'important reasons' like killing, maiming, or paralyzing an innocent person or yourself matter enough to you to make you stop drinking, perhaps you'll stop drinking for vanity alone?

I know that you, and some people reading this, will think I am being too hard on you, but trust me...I am only trying to re-inforce r.mcmurphy's beautifully written message in hope of saving you from a life of regret (and a boatload of future heartache.)

This episode of drunkeness was not an isolated or even occasional occurance, and you admit you cannot stop drinking. By repeatedly getting drunk you have abused a privledge and you have turned yourself into an alcoholic. Now you must take responsibility and stop drinking altogether.

For other's who are about to follow in this young girl's footsteps, please remember this: If you never, ever drink to get high/drunk you will not become an alcoholic. Is Alcoholism an illness? YES. Is it, (unlike most cancers and MI's), an illness you choose? YES; you choose to be an Alcoholic when you repeatedly over drink and/or get DRUNK.

I know you blame the arrest on the eyedrops. Was it also your eyedrops fault that you punched the girl in the face? Or maybe it was your toothpaste or your lipstick that was to blame for that? Thankfully you were not arrested for assault.

Whatever you do...PLEASE DON'T EVEN MENTION THE EYEDROPS TO THE JUDGE. If asked why you stopped in a dangerous area it would behoove you to say that you 'came to your senses and pulled over b/c you realized you had been drinking and should not drive'. Then present the court with signed, notarized statements from a recognized Detox/Rehab Establishment, AA Meeting Leader, Psych MD/Phd and Clergy/Pastor. When you get out of Rehab go to one meeting daily and don't even think about driving 'til after your court date and suspension are over. This is no JOKE. Policemen and Judges have the power to change your life and take away your freedom.

(And no, 'MP teaLuv', you are not like Paris Hilton. You are not going to parlay this mistake into a 'million dollar payday'. Paris Hilton drove recklessly over the alcohol limit, you drove falling down drunk.)

What I don't understand is why you got drunk when you knew you had to drive an hour to get home? Or drove after drinking so much at all? Where were your 'friends' and why didn't they stop you from getting into your car? Sadly, they were probably in similar condition or perhaps, due to your assualtive behavior, they couldn't wait to get rid of you. Either way, you need new friends who care enough not to let you drive drunk.

The best thing that happened that night is that you only injured one person. The second best thing is that now you are being forced to look at and change your behavior before it impacts your life tragically and steals your freedom and you future, or someone else's.

Print several copies, re-read them often... and think very seriously about what 'r.mcmurphy' shared above.

It is powerful and priceless advice.

Wishing you well in rehab and beyond. This is your moment to shine.

Sincerely; scp

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if i could persuade you to pull out all the stops and work every angle, get every iota of help that is to be had-from any source available, i would.

from the perspective of having self medicated for 40 years with every depressant to be found; there is one inarguable fact. your life will be compromised, the deck stacked against the prospect of happiness if you do not find reason to stop.

it is a struggle, there are no words to describe the conflict encountered by those of us that realise that we must avoid the stuff but cave in again and again.

you may have to hit bottom before you gain control. the state may have to hit you harder and harder before your self interest overcomes your addiction. what you have on your side is youth. if you can begin to recover your self control before the years roll on, it is going to be less difficult. that is the way of addictions and our nature.

my only wish is for your well being. if only i had an answer to addiction!

Dear MP tea Luv3;

You have been given some good advice by all, however the most valuable advice comes from the heart of 'r.mcmurphy', and it woud be in your best interest to follow it to the letter. You should arrange inpatient detox immediately, followed by inpatient rehab. I am surprised your family has not suggested/insisted on you doing so.

There are many very serious and important reasons why you should stop drinking today. You know them all.

It's shocking that you take even 1% pleasure/pride in being known as "the drunk girl" and a hard-ass...You are truly short-sighted, and I am 100% sure incredibly unattractive to be around when drinking. No intoxicated woman is even mildly attractive much less pretty or beautiful, and from your signature I get the feeling that being pretty matters to you. So, since none of the other really 'important reasons' like killing, maiming, or paralyzing an innocent person or yourself matter enough to you to make you stop drinking, perhaps you'll stop drinking for vanity alone?

I know that you, and some people reading this, will think I am being too hard on you, but trust me...I am only trying to re-inforce r.mcmurphy's beautifully written message in hope of saving you from a life of regret (and a boatload of future heartache.)

This episode of drunkeness was not an isolated or even occasional occurance, and you admit you cannot stop drinking. By repeatedly getting drunk you have abused a privledge and you have turned yourself into an alcoholic. Now you must take responsibility and stop drinking altogether.

For other's who are about to follow in this young girl's footsteps, please remember this: If you never, ever drink to get high/drunk you will not become an alcoholic. Is Alcoholism an illness? YES. Is it, (unlike most cancers and MI's), an illness you choose? YES; you choose to be an Alcoholic when you repeatedly over drink and/or get DRUNK.

I know you blame the arrest on the eyedrops. Was it also your eyedrops fault that you punched the girl in the face? Or maybe it was your toothpaste or your lipstick that was to blame for that? Thankfully you were not arrested for assault.

Whatever you do...PLEASE DON'T EVEN MENTION THE EYEDROPS TO THE JUDGE. If asked why you stopped in a dangerous area it would behoove you to say that you 'came to your senses and pulled over b/c you realized you had been drinking and should not drive'. Then present the court with signed, notarized statements from a recognized Detox/Rehab Establishment, AA Meeting Leader, Psych MD/Phd and Clergy/Pastor. When you get out of Rehab go to one meeting daily and don't even think about driving 'til after your court date and suspension are over. This is no JOKE. Policemen and Judges have the power to change your life and take away your freedom.

(And no, 'MP teaLuv', you are not like Paris Hilton. You are not going to parlay this mistake into a 'million dollar payday'. Paris Hilton drove recklessly over the alcohol limit, you drove falling down drunk.)

What I don't understand is why you got drunk when you knew you had to drive an hour to get home? Or drove after drinking so much at all? Where were your 'friends' and why didn't they stop you from getting into your car? Sadly, they were probably in similar condition or perhaps, due to your assualtive behavior, they couldn't wait to get rid of you. Either way, you need new friends who care enough not to let you drive drunk.

The best thing that happened that night is that you only injured one person. The second best thing is that now you are being forced to look at and change your behavior before it impacts your life tragically and steals your freedom and you future, or someone else's.

Print several copies, re-read them often... and think very seriously about what 'r.mcmurphy' shared above.

It is powerful and priceless advice.

Wishing you well in rehab and beyond. This is your moment to shine.

Sincerely; scp

Scp-

Your reply was hard to hear, but what you said are all things I already know deep inside, yet have not admitted to yet.

I know drinking is not attractive. I know I need to quit drinking. I know drinking and driving is the worst possible thing I could have done.

If it was as easy as realizing I have a problem and stopping it, I would have quit drinking a couple years ago. The thing of it is, being in college is like living in a different world, at least for me. I was the classic Christian girl for all of my life. I was a good-girl, followed all the rules, was a star in the eyes of my parents and held high morals in my very sheltered home.

Going away to college was hard for me. Being diagnosed with bipolar and ADD, losing my best friend in a car accident, and having mono all in the same time frame was hard on me. I had a breakdown. I isolated myself and had no friends. Well, coming back to college was exciting. Turning 21 was exciting. Having friends again and partying hard, became a new way of life. My highly addictive personality grasped tightly to the lifestyle and chemicals drinking alcohol offered me. Binge drinking becomes the norm for most college students, or at least for the people I was friends with. Joining a sorority was like joining a drinking club.

Everyone talks about where they will be in ten years and no one in college ever thinks they will still be addicted to alcohol. Drinking is a "college thing"... thats what I thought anyway. I have blamed my destructive habits on the need to experiment. Well,experimenting is trying something once. I am far gone from going through a phase, yet still attribute my behavior to a phase, instead of a way of life.

I am one of those people that talks the the talk but doesn't walk the walk. I say I will do things and don't. I am the queen of excuses too. Sometimes I think my problems can just disappear... Well, I'm living in a dream world. All of these things are foolish, I am smarter than believing all these lies. Nothing can magically disappear. But I am always saying "someday"..well that someday is today.

I am a sensitive person. I have parents that sugar coat everything. I am still a star in their eyes. So I am not used to hearing the truth. So as much as it hurts to hear it, I need to.

But I am going to do all the things necessary to change. Getting behind the wheel while intoxicated was my turning point. It opened my eyes. I am going to start facing responsibility. I have went to an A.A meeting. I am transferring schools and staying away from the party crowd. For me, I know even being around people that drink is a trigger for me. So I am separating myself from that scene completely. I am also getting therapy, plus one of my good friends is supporting me.

I am not a bad person. I have just made bad choices.

I am beautiful and its about time I showed it to the world.

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You are so right...You are BEAUTIFUL and you can turn this around. I am very proud of you for your reply.

No one want's to carry a label around w/ them, and sadly to some that is what the word Alcoholic is. I wish you could just cut back and be OK, but you know that is not going to happen. Bet you've been drinking since the arrest, too? Please MP, do listen to those who LOVE you (your Parents and good friends), but don't let them love you to your detriment. I think perhaps you are your parents 'Darling', and a bit spoiled, too. Continue to be their Star, but remember to be honest with yourself. After all, who was with you as you sat in jail in handcuffs? Not your parents, and not your friends. Just you. They may want to sugarcoat your situation but you know the truth. Please make sure they provide you w/ the help you need to put drinking in a less dangerous place in your life. It sound's like they are very good to you and that they can afford to help you do this.

Surprised you are changing schools with only your Senior year to finish. You know...your life isn't over, right?

Re/ drinking and college life. As a former sorority sister and college student myself, believe me when I say that you can do both, and be a cheerleader and popular too, and not get drunk on a regular basis. It is possible. Bet you know other's who don't get blotto and still have a good time?

Thinking of you and wisshing you all the best!

scp

PS...By coincidence, the intitials that I use as my name here, SCP, are the initials of my Dearest Friend who loved life and sadly suffered an untimely Death due to Alcohol just 18 months ago.

Too young to die, and for no reason...just one person's terrible mistake.

(Edited for Typo. scp)

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Um.

Then present the court with signed, notarized statements from a recognized Detox/Rehab Establishment, AA Meeting Leader, Psych MD/Phd and Clergy/Pastor.

Seriously...do you have ANY clue what "AA" stands for? Or did you not realize the second A is for Anonymous?

The court does not need a signed notarized statement--you tell them you're in treatment, when you are sentenced they MAY accept that treatment time in consideration. i.ee., like back when, I started therapy October, was sentenced in December--October through December was counted towards my 40 hours. No note, just the guy checked with my therapist. Done deal--these court guys are more hooked up than you might think.

An aside, for a quick opinion: eye of the beholder. Drunk girls can be pretty, I've seen plenty; hell my fiancee was totally shit-faced near dead drunk the night we met...almost seven years ago. I thought she was cute enough then to invite her back...obviously.

Anyways.

If you never, ever drink to get high/drunk you will not become an alcoholic.

Cite, please? I dislike opinions stated as facts, and I WILL call you on it. Don't just pull shit out of your ass, mmkay? Thanx.

What I don't understand is why you got drunk when you knew you had to drive an hour to get home? Or drove after drinking so much at all?

Of COURSE you don't understand--apparently you've never done it. Why, I used to party at the bars with my best friend in Bozeman, head out at like 3--that's 90 minutes home, early morning, drunk as shit and half asleep. And I never had to; I could always crash at his place. Yet...I did. Why? Why ask why?

Finally (for now):

After all, who was with you as you sat in jail in handcuffs?

I'd hate to be in a shithole where you have to wear cuffs in jail. That's ridiculous; you've seen too many movies, maybe. The cuffs come off when you're safely inside, unless there is some extraneous reason like being a danger to yourself or whatever. On that note, I'm gonna repeat what I said earlier: for a DWI charge, to get locked up for only EIGHT hours, and to get searched--here, you strip and your shit gets put in a bag--well I, for one, would NOT be complaining.

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