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okay so. this might be in the wrong place. i am not sure. i really don't know if this is a spectrum thing, or a control thing, or an obsessive thing. or just a spazzy thing.

i am trying to figure out what to do about my periodic meltdowns. i really don't think they're mood-related, but i can't figure out what they ARE. they're not anything new, i know, but as the rest of my brain has settled down, i've noticed them more, and they're horrid -- more horrid for anyone who has to deal with me while i'm having one than for me, i think. that's new, too -- my being able to figure out that i am having a meltdown and that it affects people in my vicinity. they're frequent enough to be a problem -- a few a week, usually.

usually they are precipitated by something Not Going According To Plan. something as small as a netflix disc being scratched or a power cord breaking can be enough. or being late. or changing a plan made previously. lost and broken things are bad, but altered plans tend to be worse. it also can happen as a result of too much noise, or a bad sort of noise. i mostly stop talking when it happens, and if i do talk i get all pissed-off and snappish. the only person i tend to talk to in such a situation is Boy, and the more Boy tries to make me feel better or calm me down, the less able to talk i am, and the more i want to flee. which i fucking hate, because i like Boy and i do not want him to find me unreasonable and awful and horrid, and i don't know what to do or how to explain. if it's noise-related, it's even worse, because there isn't necessarily an obviously triggering incident and i'm less talky. how do you explain to someone that their Cocteau Twins CD, which you actually think sounds pretty good, is somehow shaking your brain like a souvenir snowglobe and you need them to turn it off? without, like, verbalising?

i'm not sure if the meltdowns are getting worse, or if i'm just noticing them more. i don't know what to do about them, either. Boy, who is usually the one at the recieving end of it (because we live together, and because i don't really talk to other people anyway, and certainly not at difficult times), is very patient, but i worry that i will hurt him, or wear him down, and eventually drive him away. i also don't know how much it upsets him, and i'm worried that it does, and i don't know how to fix it. any ideas on fixing it? what should i do?

i recognise after they're over that i overreacted to a small thing, or that i reacted inappropriately. i try to learn from this, but it's slow, and often i forget what i learned the next time something similar arises. it's almost like i have to go through every specific possible permutation of Given Bad Thing in order to learn how to deal with Given Bad Thing. i can't just generalise, and remember, when Thing X is lost, that back when Thing Y got lost it wasn't really so bad and wasn't worth freaking out about and that an incident involving Thing X is probably going to have the same outcome. i don't know how to do that. it seems to be really, really frustrating for Boy, and i want to learn how to not do that.

and i'm not sure how much sense that made. did that make sense? if it did, what do i do?

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i can't just generalise, and remember, when Thing X is lost, that back when Thing Y got lost it wasn't really so bad and wasn't worth freaking out about and that an incident involving Thing X is probably going to have the same outcome. i don't know how to do that.

Sounds a lot like my son (PDD-NOS). It took us quite a while to figure out he couldn't generalize either. Any change in a situation (no matter how small) meant a whole new learning curve. Even if the same situation happened in a DIFFERENT ROOM, we had to start all over again. VERY frustrating on both sides of that!

But you are now aware of what's going on, and you are trying to change. It may take a while, and I know it will piss you off having to keep learning things over and over again, but you are taking the steps. This is a problem my friend (and fellow crazy boarder) Abi has described as well. Your aren't alone, and it's the autism, not you being a butthead. Don't be too hard on yourself.

You are also at an interesting age. 25 or 26 is when your brain actually "matures" and isn't rapidly changing like it was during teen years. Abi said she had some developmental leaps around this time. Your awareness of your issues may be realted to that. Hopefully that means you will be able to work through it.

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not sure how much sense that made. did that make sense? if it did, what do i do?

It made sense.

A possible tool for dealing with it: keep a journal of All The Things That Torque Halation Off

After a while it may be possible to see if there are changes in frequency, or if some categories of these things are more frequently a problem than others. I don't know how that would help in dealing with the problem, but it's possible that the data would point to something specific that your medical team can address. For example, increasing sensory-based meltdowns could be seizurey and rate a new EEG (with one of the conditions identified used as a deliberate trigger.)

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what is this thing called Generalization you speak of?? *grin*

i'm very all or nothing. it takes a lot of energy for me to not go off the handle.

people at work are actually used to me taking a deep breath, handing off my register to a manager and going to the back for a few more deep breaths and then returning.

keeping track in some sort of journal might help a lot ;) i think mine have stayed the same, but i'm noticing them more as i am more aware of myself as a self. if that makes sense.

abi

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Hal are you my long lost sister?

It's usually a toss up between whether the BPI wins, the autism wins or whether I get knocked on my ass from my seizures.

Sorry but my pain meds have me knocked on my ass today.

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  • 3 weeks later...

What I agree the most is writing it all down, when it happens, like keeping a journal. That way you can always go back to the situation and figure out what happened and what you can try to change. It will also show how frequent your meltdowns are, and what exactly causes them. That may show you who to talk to and what to do with them.

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