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I have a statistics test in the morning. I'm not very good at math, so it's not something I don't need to study for, and yet I'm so depressed I can't get up the motivation to study. I just can't muster up the giveashittedness necessary to get things done. So this will create an awesome snowball effect, because I will fail the test and then continue to feel depressed/worthless because I am a failure, when really I could stop the cycle right here, right now by just fucking studying. And yet...no.

It all happened on Friday. I'll tell you guys a little about it. I'm a naturally high-anxiety person. I'm also a psych major. I'm maybe the shyest person you'll ever meet in your life. Anyway, so I volunteer for this psych lab on campus, and I was suckered into being the primary for a research project. This was really scary although let's be honest, not THAT scary. I had to go into a room every few minutes, say a few things, then leave. I CHOKED. I forgot all the most important things to say, wrecked the whole study with my general incompetence and I wouldn't be surprised if the data from those people have to be thrown out because I couldn't say something as simple as, "Eight raffle tickets." MORON. Anyway, so I was beating myself up over it all weekend although everybody and their mother insists it wasn't that big a deal (but it's a big deal when you fail at something you really really really want to be good at!), all the while switching my medication (or easing the switch from Trileptal to Topamax to become less of a tubbo) and generally feeling kinda sad.

During this weekend, I started having some severe guilt problems and I wrote a hey-how's-it-going note via Facebook to The Worst Person I Have Ever Known, aka my former "best friend" whom I stopped talking to a while back (without her realizing I hated her guts...I'm really good at that), for reasons beyond my knowledge. I think I felt guilty because it was my fault we quit speaking and maybe she still wanted to be friends, although I quit talking to her because my self esteem (what self-esteem?) could no longer take the constant reminders of what a "failure" I am, how I can't get into grad school, let alone make it as a psychologist, as well as how my parents really "fucked up" with me and how my depression is "pathetic" and I need to just "get the fuck over it." So I feel guilty for being mean to her (true story!) and then I get this really typically condescending message from her: "I think keeping in touch would be great, but we need to keep in mind we're two completely different people." As if I implied that we were somehow melded with oneness. I believe the gist of my note was, "I'm not looking to keep in touch with you more than one email every six months, but I feel bad about being such a passive aggressive bitch, so here's what's been up with me lately." I have a lot of issues with this person, as I'm sure you have noticed.

I have many, many more issues that are not going to come out right now because it's my first post and I feel I should stop. So far I'm not enjoying the medication change, but I imagine that'll go in a different direction at some point. Deep down, I'm always very optimistic. Oh, another fun issue: I want to move out of my parents' house but I have no money, and I also would really like it if my parents would let me drive by myself. I'm 21! Basically my life boils down to a giant tub of overgrown adolescent angst.

I'm afraid I won't be able to get up in the morning. It would probably be good for me if I could pass that test, eh?

Thanks to all who read this. My name is Emily, by the way.

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oh, i so hear myself in your self-immolations. wow i know i can get myself in some pretty severe knots just from how hard i beat on myself. anxiety-depression-anxiety-depression-fuckwhendoesitend??? i am not sure whether at 21 i had any clue whatsoever how to just.. slow.. down.. and let go of some angst (still have a great deal of it, btw -- try to not beat on yourself for having angst, it's not just a teenage thing, and you shouldn't have 'gotten over it' by now)

i mean, since then i've learned techniques for dealing with anxiety from various places. like, ways to slow the fuck down, ways to breathe, ways to talk it out, learning to detach from a situation and not act out of what i imagine the worst to be. like, even though i'm thinking that someone is thinking the worst of me, if i start treating them like they think i'm shit... well maybe you get the idea? total utter antagonism when none was warranted, perhaps -- actually for me it would be more likely that i would just be passive aggressive. yeah. fun, unnecessary pain.

i've been so anxious this week i lost weight from not eating enough. it sucks. it gets in the way of doing good work. it got in the way of me getting even halfway through grad school. the more we try to force ourselves out of it, the worse it gets, in my opinion. avoidance is not the answer either.

one of my best friends would say 'we're all right where we need to be' -- which is a good place to start. be kind to yourself. and then I think it's a question of 'well, where do i go from here?'

just some thoughts. don't know if any of them resonate with you.

glad you wrote.

pj

(not that i ever understood statistics, but being the mutant that i am, hold a special place in my heart for the 'standard deviation')

awooga.

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Med changes suck to go through when you have a life to lead. Many of mine have been at the worst possible times. I sympathize. I hope things get better for you soon and welcome to the boards! ;)

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i totally sucked at stats and failed the first time i took it (when i was 19), and got a B when i took it again at 21. i never studied but just didn't get it when i did study. it was all greek to me!

i know how it feels to just blank out. i went to a job interview once when i was on lithium (lith made me into a dumb dolt), and couldn't answer their questions! i knew nothing about what i had done in my career. i ended up reading off of my resume! needless to say, i did not get the job.

i'd chalk it up to your meds. when you're on the right stuff, your brain will work right and this veil of weird suck will lift. you'll be able to motivate yourself to at least study. even if you still don't get it when you study, don't let it disturb how you feel about yourself. even if you have to retake it, don't feel bad. i retook it and did well and actually learned! school is hard sometimes. don't blame yourself for that. there are easy subjects that come naturally to us and harder ones that make us say "duh".

you're in college, and that's a major accomplishment for anyone. have some faith in yourself and relax, and get the meds under control.

loon

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