Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Why Can't I Remember?


Recommended Posts

hiya-

i'm thinking about my last help desk job and why i got canned and what i could have done differently. everyone tells me that after 3 weeks on the job i shouldn't blame myself for not being the genius at it and that it must have been the bosses not liking me, however they told my consulting company that it was because i wasn't learning fast enough. this happens only at WORK. i'm fine outside of work.

i remember sitting there and knowing i had been told something several times, and still didn't remember. i'd refer to my notes for everything. sometimes i hadn't written something in my notes because i had been sure i'd remember, and the information just wasn't there to recall. nothing came to mind and i had to ask again. and then i fucked up some stuff and got in trouble for it. some of the stuff wasn't my fault, and some of it was.

i got blamed, whether it was my fault or not. i do take on some of the blame, but not all of it.

anyway, why couldn't i remember? my pdoc says that my meds cause "mental blunting" and that it is normal for being on meds and that i shouldn't worry about it, and this one of the reasons i'm on SSDI. i've always just fought with myself- i'm such an ambitious person and giving up my dreams because i'm MI and on meds always seemed impossible. i always clung to the hope that i could do it in spite of the odds.

now i don't think so. i've been fired too many times, and i never remember what i have learned. i feel like my dreams are dead.

anyway, what's up with the memory thing? is it my meds? i'm just curious to know what you think. i've accepted that it happens, regardless of the reason, and i can't do what i want to do. i have to come up with an alternate plan for my life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've become very forgetful since being on meds, particularly lamictal. Also, watching several years of Sesame Street and Barney has lowered my I.Q. a few points. If I don't write stuff down, it doesn't exist. I've never remembered verbal directions well anyway. I am a visual learner and need to see things done and have instructions written down. If someone tells me something complex all I hear is that Charlie Brown teacher voice. ;)

Vitamins and supplements haven't helped much, but I do think I have some ADD and aspergers symptoms that contribute to my learning difficulties.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I dont' forget--well, the names of things and people, yes--but what I have learned is that I started off life as a visual learner, and that has become the over-riding way I can function. The ONLY way, in fact. If someone goes to give me instructions, or says anything I need to remember, either they have to stop and write it down, or I do. It just doesn't stick when its just sounds in the air. Has to go in my ear and out my hand in writing for me to remember.

Thats really gotten worse in the last year, but fortunately, I realized it and so far can work with it, The name thing--of people and objects--is a pain in the ass, and makes me feel stupid, but there doesn't seem to be much I can do about that. Sigh--

I don't know if either of these things is med-related, could be--or I could be just fucking old. But Loon, how many times did you and a bunch of other people tell me that I could still be a nurse, that I didn't have to give up and quit cause things kept fucking up? Yall nagged the living hell out of me--and bad as I hate to admit it, it worked. I don't think you have to give up your dreams--but I think you have to be realistic. Like--I had 2 great job offers, but tdoc and I discussed them and decided I needed to go with the simple, low stress one, tho the other one whould have been super (I had known the doc forever). I did what he suggested, and I am delighted--I can do whatis required of me, and do it pretty well, and because I only work 3 days a week, I don't get al stressed out. Getting in a stressful situation is a sure ticket to disaster for folks like us, honey-pie.

I have been able to finally forgive myself for the 2 disasterous jobs, and also to realize that I never had a fighting chance on either, and in fact was really set up to fail. I think that may have happened to you as well. I don't mean it was a plot, I just mean I didn't have the right or enough training, and there were some very unrealistic expectations--for anyone, not just the batshit new chick (me) Sounds like the same things happened to you.

Don't give up on yourself--try to work with what you have, cause believe me, the more I do what I used to do, the more I remember and the fewer mistakes I make.

You can do whatever you set out to do--if you do it realistically, and dont' put yourself in a situation that is full of major stressors.

love, china--in mama mode tonite

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Loon, you sound so sad, and I agree with China - you don't have to give up your dreams, maybe just tweak 'em a little. Or a lot. But the point is, there's always new and different dreams, and please don't give up on yourself.

As for the CRS (can't remember shit) syndrome - yeah, I got it too, and it seems MUCH worse since starting the Lamictal. In fact, I'm planning to speak to my pnurse about it when I see her for a med consult in two weeks. I'm still working but afraid whether I'll be able to keep it up - I write down EVERYTHING, which is a hell of a lot of added work, and I'm still forgetting stuff. It's gotten to the point where I check my to-do list and day planner every ten minutes just to make sure I'm not forgetting anything crucial. And even with that, I've messed up several appointments (I'm a supported housing coordinator who works with SPMI - severely and persistently mentally interesting - folks), and had to apologize to them and cover up from my boss. Luckily, so far, no one's complained (we are pretty forgiving people, aren't we?) but I keep wondering if the big screw-up is just around the corner.

The having to write stuff down part isn't new - I too am a visual learner - but the having to write down every little detail, and STILL not remembering it, is new, and is scary. But otherwise the Lamictal seems to be working so well - I don't know if this might be a price I'm gonna have to pay for being well. Sucks to have to make that choice...

Of course, it could have little or nothing to do with the Lamictal...I know that proximity doesn't equal causation...but it sure is a hell of a lot more noticeable since I've been taking it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

china and all-

you guys are so optimistic and very right. and you're all talking about your visual learning style. i think i may be the same way. yeppers, if i don't write it down, it doesn't exist, and i have the CRS syndrome.

i don't know if it started when i started the lamictal, or if i've always been that way. i do remember that in college i was taking lithium and didn't have memory issues, but then as soon as i went off of it and then went back on a few years later, suddenly i was missing appointments like crazy and taking left turns at red lights! i got off of that stuff pretty fast. i was stable but totally not with it. but i was taking lamictal with it, so that could have been the culprit.

i guess i should wait awhile and see how it goes. my pdoc and tdoc don't want me to work because i get so upset when i get canned, and have such stress problems when i'm working, but i feel like i need to at least get out there and fight the power ;)

lamictal...hmmm....i've always considered it to be side-effect free. maybe it isn't after all! at least i'm not turning left at red lights anymore. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For many years, my rule has beem "If it comes in my ears, it has to come out my hand and thru as pen onto paper or its gone". Sometimes I never read the note again, but the physical writing of the info is the only way it seems to adhere to the brain cells.

Which I guess is why nursing is a good choice for me, cause if you are a nurse, and you didn't write it down, you didn't do it. You learn to write everything, concisely and accurately, with no assumptions or opinions in what you write. And if you you don't learn that fast, you don't stay in nursing school. I talk on the phone and write notes all day long, but its fun---for me.

Loon, it may be the drugs, but even if it is, I think you gotta learn to live with it. And I know you can--

love, china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've had the "CRS" syndrome for many years because I used to be a heavy pot smoker. I think it gave me dain bramage. Add in the psych. meds. and can you say, DUH!!!!!

Don't feel bad, you're not alone. I know i've suffered NGF (not getting fired) because of this. Hopefully it will get better now that I've had a med. change. Do you take vitamins?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Writing stuff down works well for me as long as there's a system for handling the written information. For example, it has to be someplace that I won't lose and that I will be reminded to look at again later - like a notebook that goes immediately back into my bag and that I always see at the end of the day when I'm getting stuff out of my bag. Then, I have to have a regular time for going through it and deciding what needs to happen with each piece of information (and every piece has to get processed, even if it's only "review again tomorrow night").

I understand that this kind of procedure really annoys most people because it's exhaustively methodical rather than natural and intuitive. It also takes a while to set up routines (when I have the book in my hand, it ALWAYS goes back into the bag) and mental cues (the notebook on my desk reminds me to get mine out of my bag and go through it) that support it. But it pays off extremely well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I LIVE out of my Daytimer, which gives me a consistent place and way to keep up with shit. I only have one other calendar--a huge one at home--I would get into having lilke 6 calendars, and then get obsessive abut writing everything on all of them, and I had lists everywhere.

Now--the Daytimer saves me--I have a really expensive one with a dk. green leather cover, cause its really my life.

Unfortunately, it does not help me remember the names of objects and people--sigh--

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i've always been the type who has to write stuff down- and then forgets where the notes actually ARE- but this is getting out of hand! ;)

you've jogged my memory...i remember my old pdoc wanted me to do the mental exercises, like the crosswords, writing with my left (opposite) hand, playing instruments, and something else i don't remember!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...