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another attempt at introduction


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So. Who am I? A little scared girl? A little drunk right now?

I hate the word "depression" but I'm depressed as hell. I'm also afraid of people. They call it "social anxiety."

I'm 25, grad student, weirdo, alone, heartbroken, I don't know what I'm doing here, I like writing, sometimes I want to talk and I have no one to talk to.

I don't know... What else to say... Yes, I'm here because I want to write about myself and because when I write about myself only to myself I feel far too pretentious and idiotic. Did that make sense? I need someone to know about the crap inside my head. I need someone to care. Do I care if you care? I don't know.

Yesterday I spent most of the day crying and wishing I had someone to hug me. Yes, I do that from time to time. On good days I laugh at most things, think a lot, write, and feel inspired. It's been a long time since I had a good day...

Anyway, I don't know how one is supposed to introduce oneself. And for anyone who hasn't noticed, "I don't know" is my favorite expression, and is usually translatable as "I'm afraid." Wow, I had never thought about it like this before. Yes, I say I don't know when I'm too afraid to know what I really want to say. See, little insights can come from the most unexpected places.

Enough...

I will probably talk about myself a lot when I feel like it, but will rarely respond to anyone, because I'm scared and uncomfortable and don't really give a shit about anything and just wanna be left alone and yet want attention and warmth.

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Welcome Space, you will be amazed at how many of us feel a lot like you do.  Quite often getting your thoughts down in writing helps clarify the issues.  Sending you some warmth and attention because even though you state otherwise I think you really do give a shit and don't want to be completely alone. This board offers the best of both worlds, you can talk, rant, cry, whatever and no one will fault you for it (no, oh it's all in your head, try harder shit) and if like you say you don't want to participate you don't have to.  Glad you have found our little sanctuary.  Sulu

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Hi Space. I agree, depression is a dirty word. I also hate the word "condition". Ugh. As in " if it wasn't for your condition, people with your condition, you have a serious condition". Nasty. Can't I just be a person?

I just want you to know that you are not alone. That may sound lame and overused, but it's true. I do not expect you to respond. But please do so if you like. It's okay with me if you don't care, either. I still want to tell you I care.  I often feel sooo lonely, but I can't stand to be around anyone. So maybe you can come over and we can sit on opposite ends of the couch in comfortable silence. And maybe hug if we both feel like it. 

                                                  Take care. SP

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  • 4 weeks later...

hi space is arched.

that is the coolest username ever! it makes me think about time-space and gravity-wells and how light travels the straightest path it can through curved space. i just LOVE that kind of shit (whilst understanding about 1% of it unfortunately).

oh well. 

so you hate the word 'depression' too eh? we had a discussion here once, or maybe on the old board about how stupid a name that is. i can't remember the new name that won the sweepstakes but i think is was 'bio-neural mind fuck'. cos let's face it. 'depression' sounds like 'depressed' which sounds like the way you get when they don't have those awesome shoes in your size or your coffee just tipped into your open backpack. or, godforbid, you just rememberd forgetting a meeing with your supervisor that you specially arranged. gnnn! (yes, i've been a grad student too).

i have major depression, general anxiety (self-diagnosed, but a lab rat could spot it a mile off) and a tad of OCD (less easy to spot unless you live inside my head).

i've seen your username around before but hadn't said hi (i don't think). so you like to write and for people to listen. okay, i can do that. but if you whizz off into the far reaches of philosophy (or even the near reaches for that matter) i shall be helplessly lost and will run away for a bit.

believe me, i understand being afraid. i've been afraid of being the person that depression tells me i am for most of my life. it's only very recently that i've begun to think that maybe i'm not that person.

so if you want to talk, i'll listen. but i think you have already been talking so i'll try to track down a few of your posts and see if i can say something intelligible on them.

glad you're here.

grouse.

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