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I wish I missed my boyfriend


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I've got a case of the "what if?"s.

sorry. I'm not trying to avoid this topic. I've really been thinking hard about it the last few days. I saw my psychiatrist and I got referred to another therapist, one who specializes in vicitims of sexual trauma. It seemed appropriate.

I just don't feel comfortable posting about it right now.

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The major problem here might not be that you're not missing him, but that you're cheating on him. It's not a big deal to not be constantly needing someone while they're away - that can even be normal - but it is a big deal to start sleeping with other people without their knowledge and consent. You probably don't have much control over whether you miss him or not, but you definitely have a choice in whether you're cheating on him. Not missing him could potentially screw up a relationship but doesn't have to; cheating on him sounds like it's virtually certain to.

Even if you don't think this is right you might try not cheating on him while he's away, and seeing if that makes things better for both of you. I know you're very concerned with you look to him and whether you put on a good impression, and there's value in not putting others through unnecessary hell as well. Especially since doing that to other people is likely to *really* bite you in the ass.

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wog,

Taking one step back from your situation..

You keep saying you don't care about your boyfriend when he is gone. Why do you even bother to write about this?

You treat him shitty when he is there, you run around on him when he is gone, and don't bother to even know when he is returning... It seems like you ought to follow through on one line of behavior or the other. Either stick with him or dump him. Or just keep using him like a door mat and stop whining about not feeling guilty - be totally mercenary about doing whatever makes you feel good.

a.m.

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I tried to explain how I keep my life compartmentalized and blah blah blah emotionally it's scary for me to introduce a boyfriend to my regular friends and colleagues because what if he leaves? Then I just look stupid.

Um...people leave each other all. The. Time. It's called "normal", which, looking at this quote-unquote relatiobship, is a word with which you are not familiar.

I don't pretend to know what the hell is going on here--I'd have firmer ground except his whole open-relationship-thing. but...oh, Lordy...

#1 is the stable, sweet, smart, handsome, personable, presentable, comfortable one. He's the one I go out with because he's the one who I can show to other people. He is my age, he is a student just as I am, and I think he's very handsome. He's a southern gentleman through and through. He's the one I do all the emotional gooey stuff with.

He sounds like a catch. Maybe you should release him? He, I think, deserves someone with more desire for some sort of committment. Most girls would be happy to have him--but you, well, you seem yo have little abilty to actually care. This, to me, is further enforced by your basic description of Mr. T.--he can fuck you how you need it.

My thought: maybe you need to decide between a fuckbuddy and an actual relationship (meaning, you commit). The way you describe your curerent situation, well, it seems harmful to one or both parties--and like a gangrenous limb, I reccommend an immediate amputation.

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Whiskey,

I notice that you have not mentioned anything that you do for either of these men, or any shred of affection for either of them, they simply fill a need for you. Maybe this is your problem, you're not engaging with them on any emotional level, one is for show and one for sexual kicks, and when they go away you don't miss them.

I think that you need some therapy, to be honest.

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Whiskey,

I totally understand how you feel. I've had relationships like that, where I really don't miss my significant other and while he may be #1, there is a #2 or even #3 also in the picture. It never meant that I didn't love them all, just that maybe they all were different to me and I appreciated different things about them all.

I had a make-out fling with my boss not all that long ago, and am taking the time to decide if I'll maybe take a stab at being more than friends with my best friend (a guy). If I do end up with him, that will be the end of my multiple lover ways. In the meantime, I'm just thinking, and if something interesting comes up, I'll go for it in a casual way. BAD BAD BAD !!! ;)

I know what it's like to feel like you should feel more but don't. In any relationship, there are tough times to weather. It doesn't mean you won't pull through. You can be honest with him to a point and just say that he was gone so long and you need to warm up to him again or something like that. In any relationship, you're going to have your highs and lows. Just accept it as a low if you'd like to continue your relationship. It sounds like he *could be* a catch, but it's up to you to decide if he's meeting your needs enough to keep him. Don't be afraid to reserve some of yourself to be selfish, and at the same time bond. We all need to look out for #1, ourselves. Sorry to say, but I do believe in taking care of ourselves first, because without that, what do we have to care for others with?

DP

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