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wakko926

how do you make others understand

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this is like a major problem with me

ever since the fallen out I had with my only friend

I have no one to talk to

except here - but sometimes you know - you need like someone who knows you

really well (no offense to anyone here - because you've all been great)

see that's me - not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings

because of being afraid that I really won't have anyone at all to talk to

And no one in my family can understand this "social paranoia"

Like my daughter yesterday

Her HOA was having a big deal down at the pool

she left early (surgery last week) & I stayed down there with the twins

and came back sooner than she expected

luckily their dad & sister was back home for them to all go back

& when I said something to my daughter about my "social problem"

she just kinda rolled her eyes at me

and she is not the only one who just doesnt' seem to get it

hubby doesn't either

(of course, they are very outgoing ppl)

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How about: "I feel as good stuck in a large group of people as you would feel locked up in a room for a few days with no telephone, no TV, no computer, no visitors, no one to talk to but yourself. Even if I can get used to it, it will take a lot of time and professional help. Some days, when I'm really tired, I'm not sure it's even worth the effort."

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for me it is much the same. the urge to tell people that we are hurting is so strong. i realize that i am asking for help. it needs to go away as not only can they not understand, it's not good for me or them to hear.

i think it goes to self pity in me. that would seem to do me no good but what is the rational alternative?

after reading your post i will try to keep it in the forefront when i begin to speak to others. perhaps you have added to my baby steps clawing up off the bottom of my pit.

this is a wonderful place that we can come to. some here are pretty strong and can shift their madness aside and do what they can to help others in dire straights. things can be patched up often after a falling out with trusty friends. that is something that i have done. i tossed the old friend and after a few years time i put it right. selfish is my middle name-i try to have things on my terms always. what a mess!

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I have no words of wisdom cus I'm in the same boat, my family, my mates family, our friends, just cannot grasp the fact that being with people makes me want to scream and go hide in a corner. I wish that there was a way to make others understand and that people were more understanding

sympathetically

Panz

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I'm in my fifties and my family has become fairly understanding over time. They had to, because I wasn't going to change. Once when I was about 11, my mom snapped at me that if I wanted to be so quiet I had to go to my room and be quiet. NOT a problem for me, but for her it would have been a real punishment.

The more I think about your daughter's response (the rolling eyes) the more irritated I become. From my perspective it was very kind of you to stay behind with the twins in a situation that made you uncomfortable. You should have received gratitude not attitude.

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I'm with Greeny, you didn't deserve the attitude. I hope that your family learn how to be understanding

Panz

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An outgoing person will NEVER understand what it's like to be an extreme introvert. This makes it hard for them to have sympathy. They just can't wrap their minds around the concept.

I would say either take them to a therapist and have them explain it so they at least get that it is something that exists, or try to become more outgoing by (sort of) mimicking the interests and attitudes of outgoing people and maybe you will not care as much about whether people understand you. I'm not talking about being someone you're not. It has been found in at least one study that extroverts are generally happier than introverts. I'm currently trying to do things that extroverts do. Their leisure activities are things that involve being around other people. There are any number of clubs or groups that have activities that introverts would tend to find more appealing, like book clubs and writing classes (what I'm doing). Even group therapy would be good. Doing this kind of thing might help you understand the extrovert perspective as well. The more you put yourself in social situations the less sensitive you will become to negative feedback. Extroverts pay more attention to positive feedback then negative.

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I wonder if extroverts are happier than introverts because they have a world designed more around them than around us. Or being happier may be what enables people to be extroverts, and all the symptoms of being an extrovert are caused by the happiness, instead of vice versa.

Totally non-scientific and prejudiced opinion here: I think extroverts are so caught up in a swirl of being and doing that they never spend time observing, so they don't know that not everyone is like them. I think it's so rewarding *for them* that they take it to be the obvious natural state of being. Introverts exist in a world that is not for them, and thus not very rewarding, and have more time to observe because we aren't participating in social interactions all the time. So we're aware that this isn't a set in stone just-world good state of affairs.

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**olga slides in sideways, martini glass in one hand, plate of canapes in the other, and a party hat cocked over one eyebrow**

Okay, here's a genuine extrovert reporting in to tell you what it's like. I can go anywhere and talk to anyone, and I have never had a shy moment in my life that I can remember.

But that doesn't mean that I can't be sympathetic to folks with social phobias. I have friends from CB that I've known for years, but we can't talk on the phone because they can't do that. I have no problem with that.

I think Wakko's daughter, and the other people you are talking about are insensitive, and unkind. It has nothing to do with being an extrovert--they're just showing their ignorance and lack of caring.

When I talk to my friends here about my depression and they say "Oh, just get a positive attitude" my answer is:

Does a positive attitude treat diabetes? Does a positive attitude treat hypertension? Can you smile at the world and that will make your cancer go away? Of course not! Depression and social phobia are conditions that require meds and therapy. They are real, and debilitating.

Maybe a therapist could explain this to friends and family, but I don't know. I've spent a couple of years trying to convince some of my friends that depression is a condition that requires treatment......and not all of them "get it."

That's why we need places like Crazyboards. The people here get it.

olga

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Guest Guest_hollywoodfreaks_*

I think you may be right, Olga. I guess I'm talking more of in an intellectual sense--I really don't get what being an extravert (this is the more common spelling I think) is like because I am so far away from being extraverted. But yeah, extraverts can certainly be sympathetic to people with social phobia.

As far as the extravert/happiness connection, I think you are right, resonance, when you say that the world (or at least the American "world") is built to favor extraverts. I have to admit that I resent them sometimes.

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oh, how I would love to be an extrovert! Nearly everyone I know in real life is an extrovert. One party, 2 parties, 3 parties all in one night? Terrific! Then bring people home and talk until dawn? Delightful. They are literally like this! They totally don't get that I need to go home after a couple of hours, 3 hrs tops. They think I'm a party pooper. They try to talk me into staying, etc. I know they mean well, but...

They.just.don't.get.it.

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oh, how I would love to be an extrovert! Nearly everyone I know in real life is an extrovert. One party, 2 parties, 3 parties all in one night? Terrific! Then bring people home and talk until dawn? Delightful. They are literally like this! They totally don't get that I need to go home after a couple of hours, 3 hrs tops. They think I'm a party pooper. They try to talk me into staying, etc. I know they mean well, but...

They.just.don't.get.it.

this made me smile a little

ditto!

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I experienced this early on when I first got depressed. I think with my family it was mostly frustration at not understanding why I didn't want to be around other people. My parents would get frustrated if I couldnt go to family functions. In time though, they came to understand that I really couldnt stand being around more than 2 other people at a time. My sister, who is a total extrovert, is very understanding of my limitations but I think mainly because I have been like this for such a long time. She also knows how much I struggle, and if she invites me to go in out I may not always feel up to going. I think years ago she used to get a little insulted if I didn't accept her invitation out until I sat down and explained to her how exhausting it was for me. Hopefully your daughter will start to develop some emphathy one day.

Cat

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Extroverts GET energy from other people. Introverted people GET DRAINED OF energy by being around others. This is how I explain it. I sometimes need a full day to recoup after a big get together.

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that is the way it is, scatty

thanks to everyone for their replies. I don't have so much of a problem

when it is just family around - but if there are strangers - my brain kinda

goes into stupid mode - like I don't know anything or how to have a

conversation or nothing - I just want to get away!

and I really don't think this daughter will ever get it - she's the one

that says I complain too much

(where I feel that I am stating my feelings or speaking my mind -

I guess so ppl see that as complaining)

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Extroverts GET energy from other people. Introverted people GET DRAINED OF energy by being around others. This is how I explain it. I sometimes need a full day to recoup after a big get together.

Well put, Scatty!

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oh, how I would love to be an extrovert! Nearly everyone I know in real life is an extrovert. One party, 2 parties, 3 parties all in one night? Terrific! Then bring people home and talk until dawn? Delightful. They are literally like this! They totally don't get that I need to go home after a couple of hours, 3 hrs tops. They think I'm a party pooper. They try to talk me into staying, etc. I know they mean well, but...

They.just.don't.get.it.

this made me smile a little

ditto!

With the med I am on I've gone from socially not to very social when the time comes to be talkative. Even to ppl I don't know at the store or I see walking around, I think of things to say to most everyone.

Does introverted and extroverted relate to social phobia? Seem on the surface it does. I am not so quick to agree. I was always an extrovert trapped with social anxiety.

At a party I get tired fast. On lexapro. at night, any time past around 10pm I am falling asleep., anywhere. Sometimes at a party or a dinner affair, I'll find the bedroom or a nice couch to sleep on until the real extroverts, not on meds want to go home.

DustyJr

Edited by DustyJr

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No, actually extroverts CAN be socially phobic. The two are compatible, it's just that it doesn't seem to be very common.

There is no intrinsic connection between social phobia and introversion--social phobia involves FEAR of other people and social situations, whereas introversion involves a GENUINE PREFERENCE to spend most of your time alone. You can prefer to spend most of your time interacting with others, yet be too afraid to do it.

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