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I'm on a mixture of emotions.

Firstly on a high as actually contacted some people regarding volunteering in a shop which provides services that I'm interested in and have 3 years experience in - it's a Magick shop/New Age shop. ( Feel a bit shame/guilt in admitting this???)

I have not work for almost 2 years and have major anxiety with regards searching for work and interacting with people.

Anyway the couple who run the shop have only been open for 11 months and when I went in ended up talking to them for 2 hours. WE both agreed we shared alot in common and I though I would be bold and offer my services as a volunteer. I will find out tomorrow whether they agree. As I told them not bothered if they say no, as for me it was more about the fact that I made a phone call and offered - I was so scared and was shaking at the time and voices were rampant!!!!

So was so excited about the call that I wanted to tell someone!

Well my best friend was unavailable and the only other person to talk to was inappropriate - exboyfriend/drug addict but did answer the phone. He was more concerned he's just meet a good looking female friend on Facebook and she had texted him while we were on the phone. So ended the conversation feeling more like the ugly girlfriend than ever. He's only had 2 girlfriends - I was the 2nd - and constantly told me how he thought his first girlfriend was so good looking and underlying that I'm not..... She being pretty and I'm average ( was then now have put on tons of weight mainly due to meds!!!)

I know that he has a lot of issues that are not to do with me (I'm also getting to the point I know I no longer "need" him as very destructive - drugs - relationship) and I have isolated myself from the world...I ended up feeling so angry as I didn't have anyone to talk to. BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now feel like banging my head against the desk repeatedly as I shouldn't have made the call to someone inappropriate....aaarrgg!!

Was feeling good now feel like shit!!!

Hawk

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Hi Hawk,

Good luck on the with the shop. Its good that you are stepping out of your comfort zone and gonna do something for yourself.

I have been studying since 2000. I dont practice much anymore. Shame that, really. I used to be fairly good at what I did. Now it seems like a waste of talent. Guess I was more fired up at the start of it all.

Well, Have a nice day.

Selene

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I would probably not be able to offer to volunteer at a shop or do anything like that. I think it's really cool that you could do that- I'd want to do something like that but then I'd be too anxious and probably just brush off the idea.

I'm glad you could break through the anxiety.

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Thanks guys!

I'm now so bloody angry with the guy I rang and with myself for expecting support. I SO know he's inappropriate and have written in my calender "end of inappropriate relationships!!!!"

I recently ended one with his sister who was a self absorbed "bitch" (sorry in venting mode!!!!!!!!) and who I allowed to treat me as her counsellor!!! God I will do this to myself!!!!!

aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm still being assessed by a therapist as to whether he'll take me on - CBT.

I'm in that inbetween time of leaving inappropriate people behind and having no one until I form appropriate friendships.

Thinking of going to either AA or NA as substance abuse is an issue but feel its more to do with BPD rather than I'm an addict - but maybe in denial about that. Just want to be in recovery rather than silently screaming and sinking into the abyss..... by myself.

I need to get myself out in Groups as have isolated myself so much. Back on meds which help with anxiety regarding leaving the house.

Thanks for listening .. the screams are me if you hear any and I can scream pretty loud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hawk

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Hey Hawk,

What's the news on the shop? I was so excited for you.

God, sorry about you having to deal with that ex. Sounds like you know what's best for you. and what an asshole, ranking women, i fucking hate that shit. grrrrrr

keep us in the know. i'm hear to listen whenever

Glow like the sharp, beautiful bird you are

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Congrats about calling for the shop! That's a really gutsy move and you should give yourself a pat on the back about it.

I think you should also give yourself a half-pat for the whole guy thing. So yeah, in the heat of the moment of being excited and wanting to share it with someone, you reached out to someone that you knew would not react the way you wanted him to. It's not like you did anything harmful or rude or mean... and yeah, you were disappointed and you realized he is not a good person to call. But you seem to realize that this is about him and not you, which is a big step. And it's really hard to have good news and want to share it with someone and not have anyone to talk to... I don't think anyone can fault you for calling him. But hopefully you'll make constructive friends soon that you can call with your good news. And of course you can always post about it here and we'll glow vicariously through you. ;)

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Congrats about calling for the shop! That's a really gutsy move and you should give yourself a pat on the back about it.

I think you should also give yourself a half-pat for the whole guy thing. So yeah, in the heat of the moment of being excited and wanting to share it with someone, you reached out to someone that you knew would not react the way you wanted him to. It's not like you did anything harmful or rude or mean... and yeah, you were disappointed and you realized he is not a good person to call. But you seem to realize that this is about him and not you, which is a big step. And it's really hard to have good news and want to share it with someone and not have anyone to talk to... I don't think anyone can fault you for calling him. But hopefully you'll make constructive friends soon that you can call with your good news. And of course you can always post about it here and we'll glow vicariously through you. ;)

Dear Becca,

I'm truly encouraged by you offering yourself for volunteer work. I'm just not there yet.

I think attending twelve-step groups is a great idea. They have worked really well for me in the past, before the onset of my illness. I've been thinking about going back myself. If you do, will you let me know how it is going? I'm really interested.

Thanks,

Rhonda

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Thank you username and Becca! Your replies really touched me and I took alot from them.

Well let me first say I've been accepted by a new CBT therapist - my first time with CBT - and I'm really relieved as didn't have a back up plan if he'd said no. His main concern is my safety if stuff comes up and if I have a psychotic episode. I have agreed with him to increase my meds - Zyprexa to 5mg and possibly 10mg - I find 20mg is too much daily but have taken it when really bad. Just hipee!!!!!!!!!!! ;) on therapist!!!!!!!!!!

Next to the shop...... I went in for a volunteer day which was okay. The walk to the bus - about a mile - and the bus journey is the most stressful as don't deal with being out in the open with people, yet can deal with open spaces in nature - point I miss about Oz. Anyway only 3 people came to the shop - its very quiet - and I knew I could hide out back if I got scared. So that was all cool plus have 3 years experience of managing an Occult/New Age shop in Oz but that was 10 years ago. However felt safe in the shop.

Was talking to the owner and told him have had a breakdown/went psychotic but wasn't sectioned (due to exboyfriend who looked after me) and was dx with BPD. He went on to recommend EFT - heres Wiki link for explanation and check it out

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_freedom_technique

Now I'm a very open person; have scientific background and for 20 odd years researched and tried many New Age methods. However it really bugged me that yet again someone in the New Age loop is recommending therapies that really are unsuitable potentially dangerous to someone who has a mental illness rather than someone with a few issues that they need to work through. I really can get on my soapbox about this!!!!! :)

Anyway shall be mentioning this to them as I really have strong opinions about this. Which comes to my next point ........ I was wondering if anyone else in searching for answers has tried New Age techniques - for want of a better term - and has found them helpful; waste of time or made you angry?

So I do feel really good about contacting them and doing a volunteer day - no way could I have done that even a month ago! Now the observation and critical loop - I question the environment as there's a couple who run the shop - I'm an only child and have had lots of relationships with couples as friends which increases and reaffirms I'm always on the outside loop;child;triangle etc Plus running to a fantasy world - very dissociated as a child and do so when stressed hence psychotic episodes - in order to find answers - be accepted - escape etc.

I have had a bit of insight this week as have been pondering on my experience and have come to the conclusion that I'm fascinated with modern medicine - even though it has its limitations - and see some of the techniques in New Age more as compimentary such as meditation, Tai Chi, massage, Faith Healing, Accupunture, NLP, AA, to name a few to have some effect - check placebo effect. I think now, I just think outside the box/environment depending what environment I'm in. In the New Age environment people say I'm psychic 'cause I pick up about them and what's going on for them. When I was a counsellor (modern medicince) they said I was extremely good at finding root causes of issues for people and extremely empathic.

I think as my mother was extremely stressed during pregnancy - therefore born with a hypervigilant and hypersensitive temperament - and my early environment was stressful and abusive that I learnt to "read" people and my environment very quickly and well as a matter of survival. I then learnt how my behaviour could change the other persons behaviour eg when I was sick my mother became attentive - had alot of food allergies when I was young; suffered from tonsilitis when I lived with my mother...

I did read one clincian who had worked with people who had BPD as being being extremely sensitive to the point of appearing psychic. I was wondering about other people's experiences? Do you "pick up" on people's "vibes" have known about people and what goes on for them without them telling you or such like. Would to hear peoples views......

Anyway feeling ok at the moment but can feeling the scratchings of a crash coming....

Hawk

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  • 1 month later...
Guest Broshious

Thank you username and Becca! Your replies really touched me and I took alot from them.

Well let me first say I've been accepted by a new CBT therapist - my first time with CBT - and I'm really relieved as didn't have a back up plan if he'd said no. His main concern is my safety if stuff comes up and if I have a psychotic episode. I have agreed with him to increase my meds - Zyprexa to 5mg and possibly 10mg - I find 20mg is too much daily but have taken it when really bad. Just hipee!!!!!!!!!!! ;) on therapist!!!!!!!!!!

Next to the shop...... I went in for a volunteer day which was okay. The walk to the bus - about a mile - and the bus journey is the most stressful as don't deal with being out in the open with people, yet can deal with open spaces in nature - point I miss about Oz. Anyway only 3 people came to the shop - its very quiet - and I knew I could hide out back if I got scared. So that was all cool plus have 3 years experience of managing an Occult/New Age shop in Oz but that was 10 years ago. However felt safe in the shop.

Was talking to the owner and told him have had a breakdown/went psychotic but wasn't sectioned (due to exboyfriend who looked after me) and was dx with BPD. He went on to recommend EFT - heres Wiki link for explanation and check it out

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_freedom_technique

Now I'm a very open person; have scientific background and for 20 odd years researched and tried many New Age methods. However it really bugged me that yet again someone in the New Age loop is recommending therapies that really are unsuitable potentially dangerous to someone who has a mental illness rather than someone with a few issues that they need to work through. I really can get on my soapbox about this!!!!! :)

Anyway shall be mentioning this to them as I really have strong opinions about this. Which comes to my next point ........ I was wondering if anyone else in searching for answers has tried New Age techniques - for want of a better term - and has found them helpful; waste of time or made you angry?

So I do feel really good about contacting them and doing a volunteer day - no way could I have done that even a month ago! Now the observation and critical loop - I question the environment as there's a couple who run the shop - I'm an only child and have had lots of relationships with couples as friends which increases and reaffirms I'm always on the outside loop;child;triangle etc Plus running to a fantasy world - very dissociated as a child and do so when stressed hence psychotic episodes - in order to find answers - be accepted - escape etc.

I have had a bit of insight this week as have been pondering on my experience and have come to the conclusion that I'm fascinated with modern medicine - even though it has its limitations - and see some of the techniques in New Age more as compimentary such as meditation, Tai Chi, massage, Faith Healing, Accupunture, NLP, AA, to name a few to have some effect - check placebo effect. I think now, I just think outside the box/environment depending what environment I'm in. In the New Age environment people say I'm psychic 'cause I pick up about them and what's going on for them. When I was a counsellor (modern medicince) they said I was extremely good at finding root causes of issues for people and extremely empathic.

I think as my mother was extremely stressed during pregnancy - therefore born with a hypervigilant and hypersensitive temperament - and my early environment was stressful and abusive that I learnt to "read" people and my environment very quickly and well as a matter of survival. I then learnt how my behaviour could change the other persons behaviour eg when I was sick my mother became attentive - had alot of food allergies when I was young; suffered from tonsilitis when I lived with my mother...

I did read one clincian who had worked with people who had BPD as being being extremely sensitive to the point of appearing psychic. I was wondering about other people's experiences? Do you "pick up" on people's "vibes" have known about people and what goes on for them without them telling you or such like. Would to hear peoples views......

Anyway feeling ok at the moment but can feeling the scratchings of a crash coming....

Hawk

I find that I am usually very very good at picking up on vibes. Even online I don't do a bad job. Now I am wrong sometimes, and jump to conclusions a bit early, but I feel I am right more often than most. As far as calling that guy, I used to have a somewhat similar problem in that I'd talk to people and feel worse than before. It took me a long time, but I learned that I am just not compatible with most people and now I just do not talk to people I know aren't my type. You mentioned a crash coming. I'm curious as to what you are crashing from as I'v found certain drugs to be very useful in helping me. I'm not BPD more socially anxious, but I don't think I could've done what you just did. It's huge. Getting a job is the scarest thing in the world for me, so kudos to you.

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Guest Broshious

Sorry for posting twice, but I find that as a guest I cannot edit. I had a spot where I thought I was developing a bit of a drug problem myself, and one night I freaked out a bit and called like three different people. It was devasting to get the feeling from talking to them that they wanted nothing to do with it, and weren't willing to even try. I had expected to feel better, but it just made it worse.

Those damn image codes are tough to read.

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Seems ages ago I went to the shop. I did my half day and only a couple of people came in . Was told they would call me when to come in next and haven't heard from them since. I left a book there and now have to go back for it as reaaly don't want to lose it. The thoughts that came up were I caused it to be quiet because of my energy (when I was really depressed because I have evil in me) and that's why they haven't called back. Felt really rejected and worthless. I can't believe I did it at the moment as anxiety about people and going outside is really high now.

Did spiral down until last week when my father came up and took me to the seaside for a few days which I really enjoyed. Big open spaces which I love!!!!

I'm still very confused about people as I always seem to make friends with the ones with lots of issues. When I've tried with "norms" I'm rejected and called weird.

Hawk

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