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Guest reco

What do you think of this? I got up one morning last week went to work and out of the blue I was overcome with suicidal thoughts. I drive for a living and I actually stopped my vehicle to look for a knife or something to stab myself. I was overcome with the urge to stab myself. When I coudn't find anything I drove for another half hour all the time thinking of a way to actually do this. Then I came upon a small pond at a condo development and again the overwhelming desire to drown myself. I've heard drowning is a painlelss thing you just pass out after you injest water. I really thought, I CAN DO THIS! I didnt stop there and drove on saying to myself I'll think this thru and turn around and come back. All the time these thoughts were with me I was fingering my cell phone thinking I shall waid out into the water and then decide wether to call 911. Then I'll be saved from myself. Anyway I did turn around, but I could not hit my brakes and stop when the water came into sight. Something pushed me on. Talk about being bombarded with thoughts, I kept thinking what would the police do when they got there? Would I be under arrest? Its funny but I wanted to end my life, but did not want to appear stupid. As fast as it came upon me it all most left me, these suicidal thoughts. Bizzare, Crazy, Fucked up I dont know. I really have not been suiciadal with my mental illness. A year ago I was hospitalized after an overdose and sitting in the phyce ward it suddenly dawned on me my wife and kids would not get a pennyofmy 6 figure life insurance policy. I hadnt thought of that before. Deciding to stay alive because of money, Wow! Thank you for letting me put this into a physical state here on my screen. Maybe it will help.

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hi reco--

Glad you stopped by to talk about these issues. I have had issues with brief (but intense) suicidal ideation as well. I guess that in recent times, I haven't come as close as you have, but I have certainly had thoughts of it cross my mind. I don't know what's causing it on your side, but for me I think I am getting too stressed out about a physical illness (and the illness is probably having a direct effect on my mind too, given that it's a brain infection).

Although I am glad you decided to live, you still do need to look at your options if this is becoming a chronic problem. Identifying triggers would be a huge step in the right direction. If you cannot find any environmental triggers, then you probably want to think of biological/biochemical reasons why this might be happening. Suicidal ideation is a well-documented side effect of many medications, neuro/psychiatric and otherwise. (Major examples of non-neuro/psych drugs that are associated with suicidal ideation are Accutane (isoretinoin) for acne and interferon for cancer and immune disorders.) It can also be brief breakthrough depression symptoms, caused by your existing medications (or lack thereof) starting to not work any more.

Despite the fact you think you're staying alive "just for money", I think you are also staying alive out of respect for your wife and kids. Obviously, if you were the one who were dead, you'd not be having the financial issues; that'd be your wife and kids who would have the burden. So, I think your anti-suicide views are more altruistic than you think they are.

I am also anti-suicide, and have been since 2004, which is when I found out that my maternal grandfather was a suicide. I never met him (he died at the age of 48, when I was 2 years old), but from what Mom and Grandma have told me about him, he was very similar to me (more recently, I find that I share the rage issues that he had, as well). So a lot of my view is attempting to honor my late grandfather.

Again, good luck, and please do come back and tell us how things go!

--fous

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my dad committed suicide, and trust me, there isn't anything i wouldn't do to bring him back.

after that, any suicidal ideations i had stopped cold. i can live through any pain. i WILL live through any pain rather than put my loved ones through what i've been through as a result of dad's suicide.

it is such a relief that you came to your senses.

what comes to my mind is some kind of atypical for you. talk this over a lot with your tdoc and with your pdoc. maybe you need your meds changed up.

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reco,

your misery can be helped. it is not a simple, rapid thing that we instinctively desire. am currently stuggling with the medical care available. there has been a lessening of the suicidal ideations that take over my whole mind.

the p-docs are conservative in dosing with psycotropic chemicals, thus it's weeks rather than days to some peace in our minds, but just as the kind members here have told me at the beginning-medicine has given some their lives.

please give medicine a chance. not self medication; that's NFG for the likes of us damaged people.

best,

r.p.mcmurphy

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Glad to hear you came out of that state of mind - it's harrowing just to experience, let alone thinking about the possible ramifications. I'd suggest talking it over with your pdoc and tdoc, you need to work through these feelings and it sounds like your meds need tweaking if you're getting breakthroughs like that.

You may sometimes feel like you're just staying alive because of the money, but deep down I'm sure you care enough about your wife and children to not put them through that - even if sometimes you feel like saying "fuck everything" and just going for it. Suicidal thoughts happen when our coping mechanisms are overloaded and there just doesn't feel like any other option, but there is ALWAYS another option. Keep looking for other options and look after yourself. Remember that you are in control of those urges, they do not control you.

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Gee, I can relate. Suicide runs in my family and it is the rare relative who has died by any other means. I know how those feelings and thoughts can come randomly and unexpectedly. I hope you are getting treated by a good pdoc. It can make a difference.

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I have that happen to me too. I will suddenly be overcome with an intense desire to kill myself. I'll go so far as to start harming myself and I'll chicken, what if I just maim myself and have to spend the rest of my pathetic life trapped in a maimed body. So I come to this crisis peak, sometimes end up in ER and then it passes. It just goes away leaving me feeling flat and emotionless. I DO understand, I'm glad that you got through it ok

Panz

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