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Well this is kinda weird I know, Used to be rather AN when I was in high school, since I was at boarding schools, I used to be pretty bulimic when I went home for the holidays. It was stressful and not as easy to hide my eating habits.

But then I started doing something else, I binge but i dont actually swallow the food. can't bring myself to swallow the food. I just spit it out? It came about more about me wanting to lots of things at once and running round the house at night cause I couldn't sleep. I'd make huge meals and pretend to eat them while watching tv, drawing, reading magizines, writting in my diary, playing on the computer ect....

Stopped being bulimic tho, got my weight ok ish. Terrified of keeping food in my house in case i fuck up. Haven't weighed myself in 4 years.

Resently i've stopped eating again, know i have lost a lot of weight, too scared to weigh myself. I mean its common knowledge amongst my friends Ive got an eating problem, and the ironic thing is im a honours diatetics student. I'm a diatician at the end of the year!!! I binge when I'm bored but thats it. i don't know why im posting really.

I just can't seem to eat anything lately.

I'm toooooo scared to weigh myself.

I know that it could go horrible wrong

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I know nothing of ED's but since no one else has answered this is just a wild guess that I'm pulling out of my ass.

Perhaps it's all the stress of being an honours student in diatetics and the fact that you're coming to the end of your classes?

Sorry that I don't know anything about this, but that's just my best guess. Sorry if I'm just totally off base.

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did you ever actually talk to someone professional about the eating stuff? it never really does go away on its own, and without treatment it's probably just going to keep popping up and biting you in the ass whenever things get stressful. even if years go by, and you're fine, but haven't dealt with the underlying issues, you can fall right back into stress patterns.

does your school provide counsellors for students? that might be a good place to start, if you don't have anyone to talk to right now.

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I don't know how helpful this is going to be since everyone's experience is kind of different, but here goes--

-- It seems like you are not eating because you are afraid of binging. ("Terrified of keeping food in my house in case i fuck up"). If this is true for you, I do this all the time by accident, even though I consciously know what will eventually happen. I skip meals because I'm afraid of the calories, but then after a while of this, when I'm not paying close attention, I'll binge. Then I feel bad about it, which associates bad things with food, and then I won't want to eat again.

-- your meds (topamax + ritalin) may be contributing to this cycle. They might make it particularly difficult to eat at times or make you feel like you have no appetite in addition to the effects of your ED.

-- The best solution I have found is to plan out meals and food. Include foods that you can reasonably expect to actually eat. Calculate how much calories total you can eat that day and distribute it evenly throughout the day. Eat at the same time everyday (like at 7, then 10, then 1, then at 5). So when the hour comes along you don't forget. Other than that stay away from food that you haven't planned for, thus avoiding binges.

You'll likely mess up a few times at the beginning, but it's worth it to have a regular pattern of eating. Eventually it becomes programmed and natural to eat like that. (It becomes reinforced, the way your current eating patterns are being reinforced now). Also, even if you do mess up in the beginning, it's still progress, compared to what it was before.

(I'm still working on taking my own advice ;) ).

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Hey Kaytee~

I can definitley relate to you. I wish I could offer some good advice but I haven't found anything that has really worked for me yet. My weight is constantly up and down.

If I binge, its like I can't stop eating for months. And than I will hate myself cause I got fat so I become absolutley obsessed with not eating. I weight myself a lot and right now I am addicted to losing weight. Its a constant viscious cycle. I am going to try an O. A meeting, have you heard of that? People say its supposed to help.

Anyway, just wanted to say hi and have a good week ;)

~Sara

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