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Does it end?


Guest Capt Duffy

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Guest Capt Duffy

Does the agony ever end? I've been diagnosed BP2 for a couple of years now, been better, now bad again. Last night I was calculating how much Lunesta ® I would need to take to get away from this horrible disorder. Does it ever go away? Do the meds really help?

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Capt. Duffy,

I'm BP1, but the meds are finally working for me (most of the time) after going through a bunch of different meds to getwhere I am now. So, I guess it doesn't end really, but it can get much better.

Tommy

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I've been in the treatment game now for three years. I can't say that I've had any dramatic improvements from miracle pills, but over time I'm continuing to improve.

It took a long time for my brain to reach the breaking point, so its probably not unreasonable that it will take time to get better. We do know that our meds actually help the brain grow new neurons, actually repairing itself. Unfortunately as good as the meds are, there will be times when we have break throughs.

How long have you been down this time?

a.m. hope you feel better soon.

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Well, I am now almost eight years past initial diagnosis (BP I), and it continues for me.

We are all different, you need to find the right combos and it can get better.

I, myself am just coming off a hellish mixed episode. I am now taking four or five times the amount of drugs I was before. I do not like taking them, but dammit they just keep working and working. So, I live with them.

I can empathize with what you are saying, but if you are in that bad a way please get help immediately. Go to the hospital if you must, but please get help.

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God, I can relate!!! Prior to Bipolar II depression - thoroughly enjoyed raising my two wonderful sons

had purchased two houses (not at the same time) for us with no outside help

participated in my boys school and social events

promising 15 year career in a professional field

single parent - enjoyed dating around my boys schedule with their father

active in many volunteer/social/church/business organizations and carried some leadership positions

taking one class at a time in school

Good close relationships with friends

Ect....

Since illness onset 5yrs ago Finally admitted to my former spouse that he could be a better parent to our children and asked him if they could live with him

could no longer work

could no longer afford house

rarely able to go to boys school, sports, and other events

Quit dating

Quit all social activities

Quit school

Lost best friend and other friends and family

Lost my dog of ten years

Currently My boys just graduated high-school and enrolled in college - I'm so proud of them. I've maintained seeing them frequently and on good days,

help them with things.

Still can't work. On social security disability.

Made it to the boys graduation and other selected activities on good days

Best friend came back

I got my dog back

Currently dating a good man and we are in love.

Family came back

No longer have the "worst" depression pain

Taking one day at a time and still striving to get better and better. Still very difficult more days than not. Appreciating the good days. Still work

ing on acceptance and trying to hold onto hope for the future

Thanks for reading

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Sometimes I think I can't tell if I am better or worse off than I was a year ago and I can't tell if the meds are doing any good. But then I realize how poorly I would be doing without medication. As badly as I feel sometimes, there are times when I feel ok, and I think we are on the right track to finally figuring out what combination is going to work. It just takes a while. That while may be years- it has been for me. I know that I was messing up my life for a long time, and it's taking some time to put it back together. Small steps. I know I'm improving in a general way, even if there are bumps.

Agony has an end. You have to get in touch with your doctor and let them know how much pain you are in. They need to know.

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I truly empathize with you. I think the agony does end, but not permanently, it comes in waves. I think I may have shown my first signs of bipolar when I was 9. But, it wasn't until I was around 12/13 that I sunk into a horrible depression. Life has been hell most days since then. The older I get, it seems as though my symptoms get worse.

I hope what I say doesn't offend anyone. But, sometimes I feel like I have been robbed by this disorder. Sometimes I would get those hypomanic episodes where I was up for 4 days in a row. But, I felt great, and got so much accomplished. Those episodes eventually stopped. Now my hypomanic episodes are filled with profound anxiety, where coming out of the house is just terrifying. I get a lot of mixed episodes and they are the worst. I'm so irritable and depressed at the same time. I want to die and crawl out of my skin all at the same time. Everything anyone says just makes me more angry, even things that are funny at any other time just pisses me off. When I say robbed, I guess I am refering to the "good times", when although it's not healthy, I could get so much done. I was robbed of those "good" episodes, I have been robbed of many nights sleep, I was robbed out of the best years of my life. I just feel robbed. I spent 10+ years misdiagnosed. Now, I'm on the hunt for something to make things more tolerable. That has yet to be found.

I guess my best days are the times when I feel relatively numb, I don't feel bad or great, I just don't feel anything at all. At least I can get out of the bed, at least I can get my work done, at least I'm not being mean to anyone. Those are my good days.

Sorry to go off on a tangent ;) I hope you find many more good days than bad!

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I guess my best days are the times when I feel relatively numb, I don't feel bad or great, I just don't feel anything at all. At least I can get out of the bed, at least I can get my work done, at least I'm not being mean to anyone. Those are my good days.

Those are my good days, too. I usually induce the numbness with a few ativans. They act fast and for most of the day until I can get home where I'm safe from unwanted outside influences.

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Yeah, it does--but jesus, it seems to take forever, and when you DO feel better, its like waiting for the other shoe to drop. 4 years ago I was a total mess, about to lose yet another job, could not go a day without cycling a couple of times, husband was trying hard as hell to cope, I had cut myseld off from friends, didn't go anywhere, etc. etc. I lost a bunch of weight, then gained it back, and lost it again. And I felt very pissed off that what I thought for years was "just" depression got so much worse--and I realized it wasn't going away, it was always going to be in my cells, in my brain, just waiting for a chance to break out. Kinda like having the herpes virus, that never goes away, can't be cured, but hides quietly in your spinal cord, till it decides you need to go thru hell with an "episode"

Today, I am actually NOT HURTING, and have found a great job, part time so I'm not stressed. My bills are paid, I am adjusting to living in a weird place, and my husband and I are actually enjoying doing things together--more about that later. I haven't made any new friends here, but I have signed up for yoga and some other shit, so I'm working on that.

Is life all peaches and cream? Hardly--the wonder-meds killed off my previously very enjoyable and active sex life, I am about 10 pounds heavier (I prefer that to "fatter") and have to be super careful with stress, etc. I went thru 2 jobs in less than 4 months, getting fired both times.

My co=-pays every month are over $100 for docs and meds, and god forbid we lose our insurance for some reason. Took me almost 18 months to find a decent pdoc and therapist, including a stay for a "planned mini-overdose-get their attention" of Klonopin since I could not get any help any other way. I had a couple of mixed episodes that resulted in things getting broken, and showing up at the pdoc's in PJ's with a 60-year old stuffed rabbit clutched in my arms, weeping ceaslessly.

So-today, I don't hurt, I feel pretty good, and I have learned to be nice to myself. If on my day off I want to sit in the AC house and read, I do. If I decide not to go to the grocery store one day, I wait. If I don't feel like talking to my kids, I don't answer their calls. And I try to talk to my husband so he knows what the landscape is this week, poor dear.

But--ever the "glass half empty girl"--I wait with baited breath, knowing this too may pass and I'll be back to being queen of the batshits. But, jeeze, its nice today. Maybe thats what the universe is trying to teach me--its just TODAY, and I need to appreciate it and just go on.

Hang in there--you don't get well, but it doesn't always hurt-- Its like my Crohn's disease--I'll always have it, but at least I am not shitting 50 times a day right now--

china, feeling philosophical (and really HOT--its about 99 degrees in this hell hole)

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I'm really hoping and praying that it does get better. I was just recently diagnosed with BP II, after being treated, usually unsuccessfully, for unipolar depression for 20 years. Although I am glad I finally got dx'ed properly, I am pissed that no other psychiatrists I saw ever picked up on it. After being on the antidepressant merry go round for 18 years, getting hypomanic on most of them, or not having anything work, I hope that I am finally being properly medicated. I can emphathize with you, it does seem like a long, fruitless search for some people but I think it does get better. Not to sound like a 12 stepper but taking it a day at a time is the only thing you can do.

Cat

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Guest Guest_emotionsickness_*

No. The agony does not ever get better. You will always be in a battle with your brain. You will constantly second guess decisions and emotions and wonder if it's the ilness doing the decision making. The meds are to take the edge off. There is no cure for manic depression much like diabetes. You just find better ways to manage your life to deal with the side effects better, and to have less "triggers". The more you find out about manic depression you will see you have less of a choice and there are less drug options than there should be by now. I do not want to seem morbid just realistic. There is no cure there will always be these things. It is best to accept you need to develop coping skills now. I was dx manic depressant at 13 I am 28 now. Take care.

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"More drugs than there should be"? How many "should" there be?

Not everyone is always in a battle with their brain. Meds are there to treat the disease as well as possible, not to "take the edge off" (although if that is all they can do for someone, we can be grateful that they are there for that). Not everyone will constantly second-guess their decisions and their emotions, although the ability to do so when needed is a very useful skill.

It is very true that there is no cure (though there are many medications available to help with treatment), although we do not know what future scientific advances hold.

I agree it is a very good idea to improve one's coping skills regardless of how helpful medication is.

emotionsickness, I am sorry that you have had such a difficult time of it. If you would like to post more about your medication history some people here might have some comments to offer. But what has been true for you is not automatically going to be true for someone else. They have different genes, different life experiences, different medications...

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Life has got a lot better for me. It took a year of two therapy programs, countless med changes (and more to come), no job, no place, no dates, no money, but I am now out of the majority of therapy, I am now employed, I have a boyfriend, I have a semblance of what I want out of life right now. I do have bad times and good times, and relapses are possible. But I have learned to enjoy the moment and not torture myself with that I have missed or what might happen.

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No. The agony does not ever get better. You will always be in a battle with your brain. You will constantly second guess decisions and emotions and wonder if it's the ilness doing the decision making. The meds are to take the edge off. There is no cure for manic depression much like diabetes. You just find better ways to manage your life to deal with the side effects better, and to have less "triggers". The more you find out about manic depression you will see you have less of a choice and there are less drug options than there should be by now. I do not want to seem morbid just realistic. There is no cure there will always be these things. It is best to accept you need to develop coping skills now. I was dx manic depressant at 13 I am 28 now. Take care.

No offense, but its not like this for everyone. As far as drug options, from what I've read there are MORE options now then there ever were before. Granted, they are not a cure all but many people with BP go on to live regular lives. I am fortunate to have BP now and not back in the 1960's when people were drugged up to the gills with thorazine because there were no other med options.

As far as struggle...sure, there is a struggle, but everyone's experience is slightly different, and not everyone will be in "agony" all the time.

Yes, you need to develop other coping skills, but I think thats true of ANY disease. Meds arent the answer but they are part of a treatment plan. You will have periods when you feel better and periods when you feel horrible. It helps to develop hope that the bad times will eventually pass.

Miss C.

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Guest Guest_emotionsickness_*

, and not everyone will be in "agony" all the time.

Miss C.

The truth is in the fact you know the agony that it can and will return is agony in itself even when you dont have full blown agony. This is not about leading "normal" lives or having things for those that state so I have these things. The original poster is asking about pain. It will always be there. It is the pentecle of the problem and why so many manic depressants take their lives. This is not about meds. Meds are merely an attempt to bandaid, it does not heal the wound you will always have it. My statement about there being far less meds than there should be by now is an indication that there is no cure in the works for this. It is best to accept you must develop coping skills to give yourself an advantage over dealing with agony. I disagree with people who think because they have things at this moment in their lives that this means they are cured or freed from the agony. I believe that is very untrue.. though we would all like to think so. There are decisions I can look back 10 years ago and realize were made by a mood it is interesting how the brain works. It only takes one decision to change all those things you have in your lives. Similarily I look at the problem with manic depression being primarily in the left and right front lobes and not much work being done there, but it is confirmed in people who fail suicide attempts and blow out one side or the other they permanantly become manic or depressed. You see I am not some bypasser that is coming through trying to ill advise. I am aware. The agony no it does not go away and the original person does need to be aware of that. Being in denial never benefits anyone.

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, and not everyone will be in "agony" all the time.

Miss C.

The truth is in the fact you know the agony that it can and will return is agony in itself even when you dont have full blown agony. This is not about leading "normal" lives or having things for those that state so I have these things. The original poster is asking about pain. It will always be there. It is the pentecle of the problem and why so many manic depressants take their lives. This is not about meds. Meds are merely an attempt to bandaid, it does not heal the wound you will always have it. My statement about there being far less meds than there should be by now is an indication that there is no cure in the works for this. It is best to accept you must develop coping skills to give yourself an advantage over dealing with agony. I disagree with people who think because they have things at this moment in their lives that this means they are cured or freed from the agony. I believe that is very untrue.. though we would all like to think so. There are decisions I can look back 10 years ago and realize were made by a mood it is interesting how the brain works. It only takes one decision to change all those things you have in your lives. Similarily I look at the problem with manic depression being primarily in the left and right front lobes and not much work being done there, but it is confirmed in people who fail suicide attempts and blow out one side or the other they permanantly become manic or depressed. You see I am not some bypasser that is coming through trying to ill advise. I am aware. The agony no it does not go away and the original person does need to be aware of that. Being in denial never benefits anyone.

No, I dont believe I read the original post wrong.I agree with some of what you say, but not all of it. You are entitled to your opinion and I am entitled to mine.

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My "agony" has gone away. I don't feel the deep deep pain that I felt at the beginning of my illness. I feel better. Not as better as some, but a lot better. Yes, I may always have this illness, but we can still have many good times in our lives. I focus on those and ACCEPT the bad times. Who knows, I HOPE for more effective treatment and EVEN a CURE one day. This illness IS being researched!!! I've seen it. Today, I live for today. I still love the people in my life (and Precious, my dog) and really, I can be satisfied with that. Bad times may come (probably will) and I may feel like not living again. In the past, my concern for my children, well, young men, has helped me hang on. Who knows, I may not experience that deep of depression again. This is my way of coping and I believe in it!!!.

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You know when I am rational on a good day I think things are pretty darn good. I have a detatched sense of knowing it will return at some point ( though never again as badly as it used to).

However, on days like today when I am out of my mind irrational, I can't see any hope in sight. ( again its a detatched sense of knowing that it will pass)

But in the midst of it its hard to see anything, I understand how you feel like it will never end that you will never feel good or normal again- but even in my bad state i can tell you that you will. It will pass and you won't be in agony unless or until it happens again- usually with less frequency and intensity. and when youre not in agony you can't rember what that feels like- only the better you feel at the time.

( sorry if this is rambling-i'm kind of out of sorts)

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