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Sigh....(if you are looking for positivity, it ain't here)


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God, when will it end?

You get new meds which have side effects, you wait the obligatory 8 weeks to see if it works (which it doesn't) then it is back to square one, plus the withdrawls.

So I have withdrawls + new med side effects + BP II (debilitating depression cycle) + 2 kids who are going to hate me because I keep yelling at them + 50 pounds of extra weight + my hair falling out in handfuls + self loathing + the inability to focus/function.

If I didn't have kids, I would be gone. They are the only ones that need me and then I begin to wonder if they would be better off without the person who does nothing but yell at them all day. Why did God put me on this earth? To suffer and make my children suffer with me?

I can't do this anymore. Futhermore, I don't want to. I want it to be quiet and peaceful. I don't want to hate myself anymore. I don't want to feel like I am failing again and again. Failing everyone I love, including my children who I would do and give anything for. I love them so much but they probably think I hate them because I do is yell at them to be quiet.

I want to sleep forever.

N.J.

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you know, your kids love you, and you love them. it is your disorder talking when you say that you think they'd be better off elsewhere, or that you'd rather sleep forever. there is so much here to see and do, it is only a matter of getting on those right meds to be able to see the world in a better light.

maybe your pdoc can shorten the time you're trying each med? if i don't like it in a month, my pdoc will change me. he never gives me anything that makes me gain weight (it can cause the health problems associated with increased weight), and we just don't keep things around that don't work.

i'm in love with lamictal. i suppose you've tried that? you might want to talk about it if you haven't. it's my wonder drug for sure.

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Your kids will love you because you are YOU--you are honest and open and caring, even whenyour're batshit. Kids are very resiliant--not saying I don't have huge washes of guilt about being such a bad mon=m when my kids were little cause I was so batshit and so self-centered. But as adults, they are much more understanding and accepting towards others who have problems. Yeah, they remember putting up the tree themselves the year I bailed and went to bed. But they also understand and remember all the nutty fun things we managed to do as well. They know that meds can be good and bad, and they are so open and accepting now. Yeah, they are both not totally "normal" (that dryer setting) but they are funny and smart and interesting and cute and great to spend time with. They survived me as a mom--yours will, too.

Many , many times I have said that I would just off myself if it wern't for the kids. True--and thats the good thing, cause your momma instincts are so strong, you will take care of them the best way you can no matter what.

PM me anytime you need to rant about how hard it is to be a batshit mom. Been there, done that--I will listen and we can swap horror stories. I care, and I HAVE been there. Hang on, it will get better.

china

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Thanks for the replies guys. I feel a little better today. I know on that day, I am lucky to have had my kids because I don't think I could've made it through that day without a reason to live.

It is so wierd, I feel like my kids WOULD be better off without me but the truth is I believe that NOBODY would love them as much and as unconditionally as I do.

I worry that my kids will hate me in the long run. Something that makes me worry about them hating me is I hated my mom from about 10 until recently (she passed 2 years ago). I hated her for yelling at us all day everyday, for slapping us in the face and for hitting us with the hair brush. I hated the absolute rage in her eyes when she would get down in our faces and yell. I HATED HER and never wanted to be like her. I thought I would never be like her. But I am her. I don't think it is because I wasn't nutured as a child, I think it is because she was bi-olar and I got her crappy genes. I think I have the same disease as she did and for the first time in my life, I don't hate her. I understand her and I actually feel sorry for her. She was alone with us alot (3 kids) and I am sure it was so trying on her. I told her I thought she abused us and ignored us. But I was thirty before I forgave her. I don't want that.

Anyone remember their Mom being sick?

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Anyone remember their Mom being sick?

Oh, yeah. But it wasn't recognized as such back in the olden days. It was "nerves". Married at 20, Dad in the military overseas, then three kids, boom, boom, boom. Not only had she never lived on her own, she was an only child and had been raised as kind of a princess. No wonder she lost it. One time, she took to her bed for around six months. Sick, yeah, but no one could say with what. I am much more understanding and forgiving now. In fact, if there is one benefit to mental illness, it sure teaches humility and tolerance for other people.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I know it's hard to take care of yourself and be the mom you want to be. Is there any way you can get someone to look after the kids for a half or even whole day a week, so you can get some quiet time? Maybe trade time with another mom. After all, a lot of times having extra kids over means they are playing with each other instead of expecting you to be the ever present entertainment source. I know how expensive babysitters are, but even a quiet couple of hours in a park with a good book (and maybe even a little nap) could keep you from going completely batshit.

Greeny

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I worry that my kids will hate me in the long run. Something that makes me worry about them hating me is I hated my mom from about 10 until recently (she passed 2 years ago). I hated her for yelling at us all day everyday, for slapping us in the face and for hitting us with the hair brush. I hated the absolute rage in her eyes when she would get down in our faces and yell. I HATED HER and never wanted to be like her. I thought I would never be like her. But I am her. I don't think it is because I wasn't nutured as a child, I think it is because she was bi-olar and I got her crappy genes. I think I have the same disease as she did and for the first time in my life, I don't hate her. I understand her and I actually feel sorry for her. She was alone with us alot (3 kids) and I am sure it was so trying on her. I told her I thought she abused us and ignored us. But I was thirty before I forgave her. I don't want that.

Anyone remember their Mom being sick?

I could have written this. Seriously. To this day my mom has not sought help, and that is the only hang up I still have with her. You are getting help!! If my mom had even tried, I don't think I wouldn't have hated her the way I did. You are trying!! Your kids will see that too, don't forget that. They know you love them and *you are getting help.*

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Maybe there's a significant difference between you and your mom. I don't know personally, but you're aware that what's going on can have an impact and your getting help. Then you're not your mom.

I know as a kid, sometimes the way your parents are can really stink. Although I have not been in your shoes (I can empathize with you), I think sometimes when we get older and we can look back on things and forgive. Instances where people have parents that honestly tried to make things better, we realize that we can forgive them. Especially when we know there are parents out there that don't truly care. My mom had her difficulties (financial and emotional), and she did what she could with the resources available to her. I can't hate her for that. So, in the long run, your kids may feel the same.

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I'm sorry that things are so rough. It takes time to find meds that work. It will happen though, and when it does you'll be glad that you hung in there. Your kids will understand, I understand my parents struggles and why they raised me how they did, and I can remember the good times too.

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Anyone remember their Mom being sick?

Oh, yeah. But it wasn't recognized as such back in the olden days. It was "nerves". Married at 20, Dad in the military overseas, then three kids, boom, boom, boom. Not only had she never lived on her own, she was an only child and had been raised as kind of a princess. No wonder she lost it. One time, she took to her bed for around six months. Sick, yeah, but no one could say with what. I am much more understanding and forgiving now. In fact, if there is one benefit to mental illness, it sure teaches humility and tolerance for other people.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I know it's hard to take care of yourself and be the mom you want to be. Is there any way you can get someone to look after the kids for a half or even whole day a week, so you can get some quiet time? Maybe trade time with another mom. After all, a lot of times having extra kids over means they are playing with each other instead of expecting you to be the ever present entertainment source. I know how expensive babysitters are, but even a quiet couple of hours in a park with a good book (and maybe even a little nap) could keep you from going completely batshit.

Greeny

Yes, I remember the 'nerves' thing back in the day. That is what she probably thought she had. My Mom and Dad had a code word for it and when he came in from work her would use the code word "funk"? She would say yes and he would leave her alone. Pretty smart on their part.

I have enrolled my kids in a 6 week summer "camp" it is on Tuesdays from 9-2. They went last week and I spent that time working. NOT AGAIN! I AM DOING SOMETHING FOR MYSELF THIS WEEK!

I worry that my kids will hate me in the long run. Something that makes me worry about them hating me is I hated my mom from about 10 until recently (she passed 2 years ago). I hated her for yelling at us all day everyday, for slapping us in the face and for hitting us with the hair brush. I hated the absolute rage in her eyes when she would get down in our faces and yell. I HATED HER and never wanted to be like her. I thought I would never be like her. But I am her. I don't think it is because I wasn't nutured as a child, I think it is because she was bi-olar and I got her crappy genes. I think I have the same disease as she did and for the first time in my life, I don't hate her. I understand her and I actually feel sorry for her. She was alone with us alot (3 kids) and I am sure it was so trying on her. I told her I thought she abused us and ignored us. But I was thirty before I forgave her. I don't want that.

Anyone remember their Mom being sick?

I could have written this. Seriously. To this day my mom has not sought help, and that is the only hang up I still have with her. You are getting help!! If my mom had even tried, I don't think I wouldn't have hated her the way I did. You are trying!! Your kids will see that too, don't forget that. They know you love them and *you are getting help.*

Thanks....I hope they see it the same way you do!

Maybe there's a significant difference between you and your mom. I don't know personally, but you're aware that what's going on can have an impact and your getting help. Then you're not your mom.

I know as a kid, sometimes the way your parents are can really stink. Although I have not been in your shoes (I can empathize with you), I think sometimes when we get older and we can look back on things and forgive. Instances where people have parents that honestly tried to make things better, we realize that we can forgive them. Especially when we know there are parents out there that don't truly care. My mom had her difficulties (financial and emotional), and she did what she could with the resources available to her. I can't hate her for that. So, in the long run, your kids may feel the same.

I take heart in that I *am* different from my Mom. I have never hit them in a rage and I hope never to get to that point. I do spank them when I am calm and when they do something absolutely unacceptable (like running out into the road). But I do get down in their face and yell. I want to stop that so badly!

I'm sorry that things are so rough. It takes time to find meds that work. It will happen though, and when it does you'll be glad that you hung in there. Your kids will understand, I understand my parents struggles and why they raised me how they did, and I can remember the good times too.

I am having such a hard time coming off the effexor that I just want to stay on it, kwim? I don't want to deal with the nausea and head zaps, it makes me miserable and hard to be around. I have an appt. with the p-doc on wednesday and I hope to slow down the titration off of this stuff to slow down the nasty side effects.

I hear ya nutjob. I agree that you need alone time. I have resorted to hiding in the bathroom at certain points to avoid losing it in front of the kiddos.

****I have SOOOO hid in the bathroom before! I have also considered BENADRYL but......I wonder if that borderlines on child abuse, kwim?

I guess, in the long run I am lucky. When my Mom found out that she was sick with a terminal disease, they put her on some antidepressants. She was just so sad because I had just had my first child (her first grandchild) and she was dying. After a couple of months the antidepressant kicked in and I found her. I found my Mom. She was an amazing Grandma. So loving and giving. She told me she was proud of me and what all I had accomplished in my life. She was so proud of her granddaughter and couldn't get enough hugs and kisses. So the last 18 months of her life, she was the Mom I had always wanted to have. I finally found her and then she passed away. God....I never thought I would say this but I miss her.

I hope you ladies who wish your Mom would die (NO JUDGEMENT HERE......I WISHED MY MOM WOULD FOR A VERY, VERY LONG TIME), I hope your Mom's get some help eventually, print out my post if you want and give it to her. She turned out to be the person that I always wanted but never had due to her illness and her stubborn ass nature who wouldn't get any help! If she had gotten help, we would've had a close Mother/Daughter relationship.

Thanks for the replies ladies and keep 'em coming.

Pray that I make it till Tuesday!

N.J.

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****I have SOOOO hid in the bathroom before! I have also considered BENADRYL but......I wonder if that borderlines on child abuse, kwim?

I have to admit, I gave liquid dramamine to my toddler son when we had to go on long driving trips. I think it saved us both!

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