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I seriously don't know what is going on right now.  I kind of lurk around the board, I love to post on the forums, but when it comes down to it, I don't ask for personal advice, but I'm really hurting here.  I feel like I should not be asking for help, but I do not know what is going on in my mind right now. 

I am diagnosed BP I no rapid cycling or anything with ADD and a recovered OCD. I'm on 100 mg of Zoloft in the AM, 75 mg Topamax, 100 mg Seroquel in the PM, oh wait, yesterday the pdoc upped it to 150 mg of Z in the Am, Topa the same and 150 mg of Seroquel at night.  I have been popping 12.5 Seroquel during the day to stay sane and carrying around a bottle of Zyprexa in case I really lose it. 

I am going happy, I wanna die, yes, life is working out, I need to jump off the nearest cliff, feeling ok, want to slam my face in a car door, for the last I don't even know how long.  Not too long.  A couple of weeks?  I have been feeling incredibly stressed out and have not had that many reasons to feel that way.  I am out of school for the summer (college)  working full time at a relatively laid back job, and usually my "bad" period is over by now.  Bad period for me being late April through mid-June.  I feel worse than I have ever felt and I am on great meds.  I had my first mixed episode in May and it was horrific.  I am not a huge anxiety girl, but it was intense.  And now its back.  Last week, I had a panic attack in the car because of the tall grass and trees blowing in the wind.  I cut it short with some meditation/visualization, but that was terrible.  I had a kid I work with in the car.  I am fine one minute, happy, laughing, and the next minute I can't get the thought out of my head that I need to find a gun so I can shoot myself.  (see my post in the relationship forum.)  I feel like I want to run away from everyone and everybody and just hide so no one can find me. 

I don't want to die.  I am not really worried about that.  But these compulsive thoughts that pop out of nowhere are disconcerting.  I told my pdoc and he said that BPs always have busy brains and that you have to figure out to tune stuff out.  He's really nice and cares about me, but I don't think he realized exactly how loud and demanding these thoughts were.

I want to crawl into my hole and hide, but only because I don't know what the hell is going on.  This has never happened before.  I have always been a pretty predictable BP.  Depression in October until it goes away.  Mania starts in April and cruises on until June when I officially crash and ressurrect in early July. And I'm a happy manic.  Euphoria, anyone?  Not anxious.  I do have my occassional screaming rages, but those are far-flung and instantly over.  I feel like I can't live in my own body right now, I am trapped in my skin, and I can't escape.  I used to be a SI, but not anymore, and its looking mighty tempting right now.  Honestly, slamming my head into the wall is looking pretty good.  I don't want to hurt myself, but I want to hurt myself, because I can't take it.  But I can take it.  I am not about to let some stupid disorder or whatever is going on get the best of me.  It just sucks.

What's going on with me?  I read somewhere about rapid cycling and am wondering if I'm kicking into full gear.  All I can think of are ways to off myself and its starting to get really annoying.  Somebody help me please.

JBella

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Oh JBella, I don't know what to tell you. You sound so very distraught (sp) so I think an emergency call to your pdoc might be in order.  It can't be good for your brain to be flipping back and forth like that.  Hopefully someone on this board will have good advice for you.  I can only say how sorry I am that you're feeling so bad.  Hang in, there must be help out there somewhere.  Sulu

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Thanks, Sulu.  Pdoc called me.  I'm on the way to the hospital.  I informed the hospital that I didn't want to stay overnight.  The good-natured guy on the other end told me he'd do his best, but to pack my toothbrush anyways.

This ultraradian cycling shit sucks.  I feel fine now.  But I know I won't later, so...

Wish me luck with the white coats!

JBella

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JBella! Oh my, I hope you are feeling better. If you do have to stay overnight I hope they can help you to figure out what's going on. Maybe new meds are in order?

At any rate, I can fully relate to how you are feeling. Sometimes it just smacks us in the face and won't go away. I have felt very similar recently. It's like a nagging feeling always there screaming at me and everything is a mixed bag. I'm ok, I'm not okay. I'm happy, I'm sad. I'm laughing, I'm crying. I'm thinking about the rest of my life and then thinking about ending my life.

::hugs:: and please feel better. Just know that you will be okay. We all will. It just takes time.

Keep us updated on what's going on with the hospital.

edited for spelling errors. ;)

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JBella,

I can really relate to the cycling and, to be completely blunt, it simply sucks ass.  I hope that everything goes well for you at the hospital and that they find some way to help you feel better.  My thoughts are with you and let us know how you are doing when you get back.

xo

~Ophelia

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JBella, so glad to hear that you talked to your pdoc and are going to hospital.  Hopefully it will go UPhill from here.  Now that I know that I will rest easier tonite.  Best wishes, Sulu

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;)

Thanks for the words, you guys, I was in a really bad place.  Really bad.  Then, quick as a wink, I was back to me again, and wondering what the hell was going on.

I went to the hospital, proclaimed myself "fine" and proceeded to rearrange the hospital bed, chairs, and equipment in the admitting room to my personal liking after going through all the drawers and cabinets.  The nurse came in, told me she liked my redecorating, and that the staff had been observing my room make-over on the videotape.  Ok, so maybe not "fine" but at least not self-destructive.  Little did she know I had been in the process of figuring out how to climb into the fish tank in the waiting room as they came to get me.

Seeing as I am not planning my death or the death of others, they told me I could go home after signing the required contract (yeah, you all know) and stuff.  I have apparently progressed to ultrarapid cycling of some sort and they threw out a bunch of suggestions at me for after care.  One was moving into a house with a bunch of other crazies for a few days, which sounded kind of fun, and than I realized I wouldn't be able to have all my stuff and my safety nets, aka pets, room, food, would not be available, so no go.  I  decided on this crisis stabilization program that comes to your house and sets up all your treatment plans, basically works everything out that you could possibly think of and its everyday, intensively for two weeks, and I can still work.

I'm so confused.  I thought I knew me.  Or at least kind of knew what to expect.  Now I'm back at square one not having any idea what the next second will be like.  Being the eternal optimistic that I am, I am hoping things go uphill, but even my unending cheer is being stretched.  Just...a...little...bit...more...

I am fearful of what the next day will bring, and that is a brand new feeling for me.  I actually don't think that I have ever felt that way before ever in my life.  I don't like it.  In fact, it makes me downright nauseated. 

My pdoc doesn't want to up my meds, not even my mood stabilizers any more than he already has, although I have told him I've been on higher.  I have a stash, and am thinking of sliding a couple extra on every night.  I'm already biting them in half during the day, so it probably won't hurt.

Well, I am kind of tired.  Thanks for all your replies, its nice to know people care about you.  I don't have very many people on this end I can talk to like this, none in fact, so your concern is a huge burden off my chest.

JBella

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JBella, glad you are home from hospital but it does not really sound like they did too much for you aside from setting up home crisis stabilization programme.  Actually that part sounds really good.  But what's up with pdoc, did you see him at the hospital or talk to him at all?  I am totally unfamiliar with hospital routine but always am interested in other's experiences so if I have to go I will know what to expect.  Although I'm sure procedures probably vary here in Canada.  Whenever I think about admitting myself I worry about my cat being alone so I think I can relate to why you chose home over house with other crazies.

I wish for good things for you and a quick recovery.  Am sending you virtual chicken soup, flowers, chocolates and a very funny get well card. LOL Sulu

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I didn't talk to my pdoc or see him.  They usually only pull him in if I end up camping out for a while.  The whole time I was in there I was sort of wondering the same thing - what are you doing? or what are you going to do?  Now I realize they were determining if I needed inpatient (aka plotting my self-destruction) or could handle an outpatient program.  I am sticking with this stabilization thing with the opportunity to do partial hospitalization, Monday through Wednesday 9-3 for two weeks if I choose to.  I am not doing that right now, because I would havae to take off so much work, and dammit, I'm poor.

The hospital procedure is pretty routine.  I wore flip flops, because they take your shoes away so you don't try to hang yourself and make you wear an unattractive hospital gown that flies open every time you turn.  You get your vitals checked, see a pdoc, a nurse, and a crisis social worker, sometimes other people depending on who you are.  I wasn't totally psychotic, so they didn't stick me with Haldol or anything.  Last time I was there they posted a guard at the door to make sure I didn't try to off myself somehow, difficult considering it was just me and a chair. 

I feel ok now, but a little depressed.  I really wish I could just go away by myself somewhere.  Unfortunately the "contract" I signed informed me that I couldn't be by myself until I seem stable because no one knows when I will fly off the handle again.  I know I don't.  As annoying as that it, it seems reasonable, although I wish I could go.

Someone from the program is coming to my house today in about an hour and a half so I should probably take a shower, because I look like butt.  Thanks for the support, I am not sure where I would be without it.

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I so belong here. I spent my hole life pretending I was ok.

I thank all of you for being open with your situations. It is really helping me keep a grip during all of this, my situation.....anyway hope all of you know how much you help others!!

Glad you are feeling better:)

Hospital life sucks, I hope they can stabilize your swings.

Mark

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

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Sorry you're having such a rough time. Your pdoc doesn't sound very nice. Any chance of changing?

Also, I wonder if being on a constant dose of Zyprexa or another anti-psychotic would help while you're going through rapid cycling?

Take care.

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Zyprexa?  Probably, but it makes me so darn fat.  ;)

And it almost gave me diabetes.  I now realize that keeping it as a prn in my purse is not going to be that helpful unless someone around me knows how to use it, because obviously I don't.  hee hee.  I am getting outside pyschiatric help to stabilize my moods right now.  I doubt I can change pdocs due to my wacked out insurance.  It really sucks and barely covers anything.  Like, don't die.  They get irritated.

JustCrush,

Welcome to our little world!  Hop into my fishtank and swim with me!

The hospital was actually the greatest idea for me at the time, and the staff far exceeded ANYTHING I had ever been in before.  They were truly exceptional, caring, humorous, and tolerant.  I had crisis people at my house ten hours after I was discharged.  That, like, never happens.  Ever.  If I ever need to be committed, send me there!

Thanks for all the words of encouragement, I am feeling better as the moments go by, in the way of accepting what has happened and preparing for what is next.  I don't know where I would be without you guys.  Probably have slammed my head through the wall and then crabby because it got stuck and still attempting to get it out.

I got a fun little workbook called "Managing your Manic-Depression" (so its a little outdated), but I like things like that, and it seems competent so I'll give it a whirl.

Thanks again.

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JBella, thank you so much for sharing your hospital experience with us.  It is a brave thing to admit you are at your wits end and to actually take action, i.e. hospital.  Happy also that it was a positive experience in most ways.  Proud of you, Sulu

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