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I thought about responding to Mrs Loony, Capt Duffy, and Nut Job. We're all echoing the same sentiment. I'm there too but I don't have anything encouraging to say. You caught me at a bad time. I've spent decades and tried scores of meds and found the best that exist for me. really, there are only a few chemicals I have not ingested. They work great. Then they don't do shit. The signal to noise ratio is too low to tell. I do everything I'm supposed to. I hold a job but I'm not happier or saner than you. I have succeeded in life and it don't mean shit. Dragging myself through a day at work or in bed; it's only motivated by guilt. Yeah, I get a paycheck and fool people into thinking I'm normal. Is that a gain? Is that a lie? I belong in the basement. I'm surrounded all day long by people who hate me and think I'm a whackjob. I hate me and know I'm a whackjob. I don't know why I try to make friends; people just feel sorry for me and don't want to hurt my feelings; just another lie, so kind. My brain holds down the punishment button no matter how I succeed. I hate me for that; I hate life for that. Yeah, I've been robbed. And the times I think I'm happy...well, was that really mania? The "happiness" fades like a drug wearing off. Do I feel anything that's real? It's all a big lie. Like everything I think and feel is pathology. The disease has become me. And disease is something to be cured, right? Fuck me. I'm going out to get some smokes.

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I thought about responding to Mrs Loony, Capt Duffy, and Nut Job. We're all echoing the same sentiment. I'm there too but I don't have anything encouraging to say. You caught me at a bad time. I've spent decades and tried scores of meds and found the best that exist for me. really, there are only a few chemicals I have not ingested. They work great. Then they don't do shit. The signal to noise ratio is too low to tell. I do everything I'm supposed to. I hold a job but I'm not happier or saner than you. I have succeeded in life and it don't mean shit. Dragging myself through a day at work or in bed; it's only motivated by guilt. Yeah, I get a paycheck and fool people into thinking I'm normal. Is that a gain? Is that a lie? I belong in the basement. I'm surrounded all day long by people who hate me and think I'm a whackjob. I hate me and know I'm a whackjob. I don't know why I try to make friends; people just feel sorry for me and don't want to hurt my feelings; just another lie, so kind. My brain holds down the punishment button no matter how I succeed. I hate me for that; I hate life for that. Yeah, I've been robbed. And the times I think I'm happy...well, was that really mania? The "happiness" fades like a drug wearing off. Do I feel anything that's real? It's all a big lie. Like everything I think and feel is pathology. The disease has become me. And disease is something to be cured, right? Fuck me. I'm going out to get some smokes.

I'm sorry that you feel bad. I know exactly how you feel right now. Like it's all one big joke...one big lie. I wonder why I waste my time. But, then, I think, it just has to get better. It has to.

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I hate this disorder. It warps every freakin' thing in our lives. We live our lives through shit colored glasses and think things unimaginable to speak of. Sometimes a kind word from a kindred spirit will be enough to carry me through another day inside my head. I hope you are getting the bare minimum outside interaction, bar the superficiality of the masses. Is there anyone in RL you can depend on & trust enough to just listen? I hope so.

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Yeah, it can be sucky. I thought I was on top of it, living a life, pretending to be normal and not actually feeling too bad about that - kind of a glow that inside I knew I was different and more than they were. Then I try to get a simple medical certificate signed off, but No, it's all there on file: I'm "mentally ill" as far as the system goes. I will never be "normal", no matter what I do.

Why go on? Because on balance, it's better than stopping. It will stop of its own accord one day, but maybe before that happens there will be some other worthwhile bits.

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