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Should I Keep Her?


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my pdoc makes me feel judged. i think i may have brought this up before, but i'm not sure, so i'll repost because the issue at hand is a bit different. i do feel judged. i had a goal to work towards and made some nice progress towards my goal, and then she decided we weren't going to work on it anymore because i hadn't made the progress she thought i should make. eh hem, isn't it MY treatment?

anyway, she said "well, i don't think you're really ready to go into this goal, so we're just not going to work on it". WHAT? aren't i the client and she's the tdoc?

i asked my pdoc for advice, and he said to just talk to her nicely about it. he knows her and says she can take my direct and candid discussion of how her remarks and behaviors make me feel.

she called me and left a voice mail asking if i still wanted to see her.

help!

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If you are having a problem with a pdoc or therapist, then you need to talk to them about it. I"ve had to do this at least 3 times with my pdoc and twice with my therapist.

You do need to have a general agreement on what issues you are going to work on. If she doesn't think it's appropriate to work on that issue then discuss with her what her proposed course of action is.

You should carefully consider her reason for why it's time to move onto another topic. It is possible for one topic to become either a stalling point that prevents you from making progress with your therapy/life, or to unconciously be used as a way of avoiding dealing with more important or uncomfortable issues.

It may be time to give this issue a break and go tackle other things for a while.

a.m.

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Things to consider:

1. Are you making important progress on other issues, even if this one has gone untouched for a while?

2. What is the nature of the goal? if it is the one you have mentioned before, you can't go it in stages or babysteps, it's a one or another type thing. Saying that you want to live your life one way and then living it another on a persistent basis is not progress. I can see why a tdoc would eventually decide to re-prioritize some issues if you have not made a change.

3. Are there issues that need to be addressed in therapy e.g. family patterns, self esteem, boundary creation, before the goal you want can be achieved, that your tdoc may be working on, even if this is not obvious to you?

You need to talk to her about it. As for feeling judged, just because her decision makes you feel judged, it doesn't mean that she disapproves of your habits or that she has made any personal conclusions about you. She is just trying to make progress she feels is possible. It's likely that your feelings of being judged is more your stuff than it is her actions.

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I could be wrong, but it seems like you've been stuck on this issue for a long time. I would just move on and come back to it later, personally. Making progress on another goal or goals will give you a sense of accomplishment and self-esteem and may make it easier to tackle your original issue.

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I agree, that maybe it is more you than her. Not to say your concerns are invalid, but why try to prove to her that you are working on this? Therapists who go around and around in circles have patients who probably aren't making sufficient progress, so she probably wants you to concentrate on something else for a while.

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I remember your other posts on this and the issue being monogamy. It seems to me that monogamy is black or white. Either you're monogamous or you aren't. If you're dating four guys, you're not monoagamous. If you cut it down to two guys, you're still not monagamous. Maybe that's how she is seeing it. Either you are or you aren't.

It does sound like it's time to focus on something else. Maybe you should redefine your goal to something more achievable, like date only 2 guys instead of 4 guys, and then you're done with it. You've achieved it. Forget the monogamy, because I don't think you are naturally monogamous.

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Maybe you should just find a new therapist you are more comfortable with? Or perhaps Liveoak could council you on the importance of monogamy which I did not see relevant to you your issue.

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