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I am not sure if this is the right place to post this or not, but here is a little about me.

I did a search looking for 'mental health support forums' and found this site. I have suffered off and on for several years with depression. I have been in and out of 'mental health hospitals' and I have seen several different psychologists and psychiatrists.

One day a couple of years ago it was as if a light bulb went off in my head and I FINALLY started applying all of the things that had been pounded(atleast it felt they had been pounded) into my head over the years in and out of hospitals, from therapists, friends, etc. And I will say so myself, I have done exceptionally well over the last couple of years, even in the midst of many hard times. Some of which are as follows.....after my son passed away from an accident, I stepped up and took in a friend of mine's baby several months down the road, because she had him and decided she didn't want him. He somewhat distracted me from the grief of losing my only son and helped me to feel 'needed' again in life and I was a mommy again. I raised him as if he were my own. This was in May of 2005 and things were really looking good in my life for quite some time after that. Also during this time in my life my mom had just gone into remission from breast cancer.

And then in June of 2006 my mom's cancer had metastasized to her liver and stomach and the doctors said there was no hope, the cancer was terminal. My mom passed away November 26th, 2006. We buried her December 2, 2006. I returned to work on December 4th, 2006. On my way home from work December 7th, I was in a major car accident and broke some bones requiring surgery. I later bought and totalled another car(none of these accidents were my fault/I was not liable). In April I was released by my doctor to return to work and my boss told me that I no longer had a position, so I have been on unemployment since. In May, my 'friend' (the mother of the baby I raised for 2 years) decided that she had a change of heart and wanted her child back. So she took him back and I have not seen him since.

I have pretty much alienated all of my friends from me, because I made a mistake and the majority of my friends turned their backs on me, despised me, etc. There were a couple that were still willing to befriend me, however I 'overwhelmed' them with my sorrows and they have 'distanced' themselves from me now.

Last Friday night(the 13th) I decided I had enough. I decided that it was my time to go and I was going to make sure of that. There is a chatboard that I post on where many of my 'former friends' post as well. I signed up with a different screen name and posted a 'goodbye' to them all, so that when it was discovered that I was gone, they could have that to look back on. The majority of them feared that it was me, so they started calling each other to see if anyone had talked to me lately. Well, it just so happened that I was at one of their houses when another one called and so my friend said no, it isn't her, she is right here, but it WAS ME!!! I didn't confide in this friend that it was me because I didn't want to burden her and I also didn't want to be rescued, I had made up my mind I didn't want someone to step in and 'rescue' me. Later that night when I got home, I got back online on the chat board and I started pm'ing(private messaging) back and forth with someone on there that before I considered more of an acquaintenance. I never shared with her my identity and she never pressured me to do so. We talked back and forth for several hours that night and I made the commitment to her that I would not do anything. At the same time a lot of people that were my 'friends' before I made the big mistake that I was referring to, started pm'ing me, wanting to help. It frustrated me, because I felt like, if they knew who I really was then they wouldn't care and even if they did, it was too late, I needed them to care the last month or so, not now. Well, I have continued to pm back and forth with SG(the one that I referred to as an 'acquaintenance') and I let her know my identity and we went for coffee this morning.

Here is where I am now with all of this. I regret not having followed through with committing suicide Friday night, because I now feel like I have 'guilted' people into befriending me and that is not the way I want to gain a friendship. I don't want people to feel 'obligated' to be my friend. I have shared this with SG and she assures me that I am not a burden, that it is her choice and she has chosen to befriend me, etc. I am sure that SG is a genuine person and I know that what she says is real, but I don't FEEL that way. I feel like I am only a burden on all those around me. I feel like there is no constant in my life. I feel so lonely in this world. I go days without anyone calling me to say 'hi' or to see how I am doing, etc. And in times that I need a friend to lean on and I try to reach out, it is only to have unanswered calls/emails. It is such a terrible, lonely feeling to know that when something terrible happens and I need to call on someone for help there is NO ONE to call!

I am sorry that this is so long, I feel like I have just written a book for my first post, lol. But I am just seeking some guidance from anyone who may have some to give. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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Welcome! I think you'll find if you need help at least one person here will answer your post.

Here is where I am now with all of this. I regret not having followed through with committing suicide Friday night, because I now feel like I have 'guilted' people into befriending me and that is not the way I want to gain a friendship. I don't want people to feel 'obligated' to be my friend. I have shared this with SG and she assures me that I am not a burden, that it is her choice and she has chosen to befriend me, etc. I am sure that SG is a genuine person and I know that what she says is real, but I don't FEEL that way. I feel like I am only a burden on all those around me. I feel like there is no constant in my life. I feel so lonely in this world. I go days without anyone calling me to say 'hi' or to see how I am doing, etc. And in times that I need a friend to lean on and I try to reach out, it is only to have unanswered calls/emails. It is such a terrible, lonely feeling to know that when something terrible happens and I need to call on someone for help there is NO ONE to call!

Don't regret committing suicide -- that's a dangerous way to think. Also, I highly doubt you guilted anyone into a friendship. People have free will and you don't control them. The suicide threat was a way to meet, but now SG is with you because she appreciates YOU.

You have shared these thoughts with your new friend -- and she has assured you otherwise. But you don't believe her. Well. . . what WILL it take for you to be convinced you are not a burden on others and people do not feel obligated to be associating with you? Right now it sounds like Mission Impossible, not because it's not true but because your thinking is stubborn!

You say you go days without anyone calling to say hi. I don't know that this is unusual. Actually, most people I know IRL will not call unless they want or need something (like advice, or to hang out, etc.). How about you take initiative and arrange a meeting or even make a phone call. . .most decent people will eventually reciprocate.

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Well. . . what WILL it take for you to be convinced you are not a burden on others and people do not feel obligated to be associating with you? Right now it sounds like Mission Impossible, not because it's not true but because your thinking is stubborn!

I think you hit the nail on the head with that one, lol! Any ideas on how to get my thinking unstubborn, lol?! I think not only is it that I have stubborn thinking, but it is just huge insecurities that I have, huge fears of abandonment/rejection. That I have worked on for years, but find myself struggling so much with them recently.

Thank you for replying and for the welcome!

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I can't help but ask, what was the mistake? It's none of my business, but it's only human to wonder.

I'm in a similar boat in that people don't call me. It's because I'm depressed, and frankly, I don't like talking on the phone anyway. It makes me anxious. It's a double-edged sword. I'm lonely, but socializing makes me anxious. I do force myself to go to group things once a month or so. Otherwise, it's me and the dogs.

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Any ideas on how to get my thinking unstubborn, lol?!

That's a tough one. . . only you know what goes on in your head.

But I can tell you what works for me. I also tend to be stubborn, but I save myself with another trait -- I question everything. So I question my thoughts and my feelings. Eventually this leads to a self-awareness that is more realistic. The trick is deciding which events to attribute to situations and which to your own abilities and it may be more difficult than it sounds to do it correctly.

I hope that all makes sense.

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liveoak
Posted Today, 06:33 PM
I can't help but ask, what was the mistake? It's none of my business, but it's only human to wonder.

I won't go into detail about it all, but part of it is that I told some pretty detailed lies that had lots of people worried about me and the little boy that I was fostering.

You mentioned that you don't like to talk on the phone. The funny thing is, I got to that point as well, I had SO MANY friends and people calling me all the time, that I got so overwhelmed and I absolutely HATED talking on the phone. I guess that is why you should appreciate what you do have, because things can change drastically over night. They did for me! I had lots of friends(yes I did feel overwhelmed somewhat by that), but atleast I had friends, because now they are very few and far between! And I am so lonely!

But I can tell you what works for me. I also tend to be stubborn, but I save myself with another trait -- I question everything. So I question my thoughts and my feelings. Eventually this leads to a self-awareness that is more realistic. The trick is deciding which events to attribute to situations and which to your own abilities and it may be more difficult than it sounds to do it correctly.

I do the same to a degree. I just have a hard time convincing myself of the reality of the situation some times. I hope that makes sense!

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Hello and welcome.

I suck at social stuff so I can't help.

Sorry.

Just wanted to type hi and let you know if you need any help please feel free to pm any of the Mods/Admins/Administrators for help.

Also I wanted to let you know that we have a handy dandy help button in the upper right hand corner of the screen on most of the forums.

My half-brother offed himself in July of '05 by jumping in front of a car.

My mom died of Lung Cancer a little over a year later in October of '06.

So, I know what that's like. But I don't deal with things in quite the same way as most others so I really don't have any advice to give. plus I don't really leave the house a lot. Sorry.

But hello and welcome and hope you get some support and help here. You may want to check out the depression forum. And the Grief Death and Dying forum perhaps?

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Gosh, So many losses in such a short period of time. I'm so sorry.

FYI, lots of people, including me, don't need "many" friends, maybe just a couple close ones that love you.

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I am so glad that you did not end your life. I have felt that way over the past several years. People kept telling me "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FEEL THIS WAY

FOREVER." They were right. I know that if you can hang on and continuously seek treatment with Pdoc. and tdoc, you won't stay stuck in this place. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FEEL THIS WAY

FOREVER. Keep posting. Hopefully, you'll get some great advice. My two cents, Don't even worry about the social situation now. Spend your energy getting stabalized.

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Hard times call for friends who have also been through an amazing amount of shit.

And that's who you'll find here. I, too, don't have anything specific to offer, but can tell you're in a lot of pain, understandably. The boards are a good place to share and get feedback without feeling like you have to deal with a lot of the social niceties. Please hang in there.

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