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this depression i'm in is not going away. its been months and occurred 7 months after my last major depression. i was on wellbutrin sr 300mg last year. then we added celexa 40mg as well as klonopin 1mg prn for the anxiety that i cant shake either when this all started up again this year.

i seemed to get better for maybe 2 weeks. i cant really remember to be honest. but i'm feel poopy-poopier again. i'm also pms so i'm sure that's Fing with me. anyway, hubbys company is deciding whether to switch insurance plans in the next week so as soon as thats decided, im going to get me to a pdoc instead of the resident family practice dr i've been seeing. i'm gonna ask about adding lamictal. did i spell that right? if not, i'm sure you know what i mean.

ive also been depression shopping. a few weeks ago i tried to cheer myself up by buying some fiber optic lights that changed colours and twinkled on and off so i could listen to my relaxation cd and watch the pretty lights. bought two sets. oh but before that i tried hanging my twinkly xmas lights around my room. they are little bulbs but 150 of them are VERY bright! so then i tried a disco ball. it was on clearance at walmart and was sitting right on the end cap waiting for me. see, i was really looking for nice subtle lights that kind of float around the room. but the disco ball was also bright AND hummed as it spun, which didnt go well with the relaxation cd. thats why i switched to trying the fiber optic lights. they were subtle and faded in and out and other things but they are hung and just do their little light thing on the wall they are hanging on. so while listening to my tape i have to face either of the walls to see them. i want to lay on my back so i can do all the relaxation techniques. i also bought a laser light projector which is BEAUTIFUL cuz it makes spinng light all over the ceiling and it has all the pretty colours and everything. BUT, it came broken and literally only work for about 2-3 minutes. it was an ebay deal. the guy had a great rating but its not cost effective to send it back so i need to find someone around here who can mess with the wiring. in the meantime, the search is still on for pretty, subtle, sparkly lights...

then this past weekend i was in a pretty bad place. blubbering like a baby while browsing the goodies at a womens convention to buy something to cheer me up. then i hit the goodie tables again later and cheered myself up again. and again. and one last again.

buying stuff does cheer me up for about a day then i get more depressed about how much i spent, how much $ we DONT have. then the guilt sets in. dont get me wrong, i love the little things i got myself but knowing i couldnt control myself and that it didnt even cheer me up for very long and then it made me feel worse.... i dont even know how to finish this sentence.

anyway, ive been reading all day on different mood stabilizers that have more effect toward TRD. i havent been diagnosed with that but um, well, im being treated with several AD meds and i seem to be resisting them so.....

anyway, im just going bonkers having to wait till next week to be able to call someone. i can find a pdoc who accepts both plans but i dont wanna get in with a referral from one ins co then have to get a new one with the new ins co. then they all start to fight over who has to pay coverage and in the meantime i get all the bills. LONG run-on sentence there. phew!

so, i dont know what i'm looking for by posting this. i guess i just needed to get it off my chest. i thought i'd feel some relief. i dont. but at least its now out there. for anyone who cares. pllltttt!!!!! :)

*edited to add*

for those who know of my past DX, i want to say that i'm sleeping really well at night and am in fact sleepy and tired all day and just want to stay in bed.

no point to that but i wanted to point it out. i'm weird, i know! ;)

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I'm really glad you are deciding to go see a psychiatrist. It's an important step.

Lamictal has really helped a lot of people with their depression and it has helped a lot with the depression end of my bipolar.

Maybe you could at least start calling around and seeing who is taking patients and who isn't so at least you know that?

It's not unusual to want to keep sleeping a lot when you are depressed, even if you are getting a lot of really good sleep.

Hope the insurance stuff gets figured out soon.

Luna

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ok, so im really feeling it bad now. and im thinking maybe i should screw the pdoc till the insurance kicks in and just call my primary care dr. like tomorrow. like, i wish they were open right now. but i dont know how to tell him i think i need the lamictal. shoot... i dont even know how to pronounce it! so, im sitting here anxiety ridden, worry about calling him. worried he wont be there and then its the weekend. im worried if they try to get me in with anither dr in the office. what do i say? shoot, even if i get to see my primary care dr, what do i say to him. how do i say.

great - now im crying. im such a dork. waiting to see a pdoc till the insurance was straightened out at the end of the month is what i have to do. but then i started feeling like, i dont think i can wait that long. and even if i did wait, im gonna have to start all over with my history and i dont know what to say.

i dont wanna have to tell my stupid story over and over. i just wanna say, look, this is what im on and id like to add this. i can do that. lie)

but then the questions will come. like why do i think i need it? cuz im still depressed. what do you think it will do for you? make me less depressed???

i dont know... this is a mood stablizer, right?

was it AM that once said that high anxiety could be like a hypo thingie? (i know thats a different board but i started here and did want to have to explain it all again over there. sorry.)

no-no-no-no-no-no! not going there. im just depressed. i just have anxiety.

but i have also had some suicide ideation. like when i went to the womens conference and we were switching subway trains. as the train pulled away and i felt the WHOOSH of the air, i thought what if i just jump right into the WHOOSH.

anyway, teenage son is home and i have to log off so he wont be reading my stuff. just wish me well cuz i aint feeling well!

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Hey Betcsu,

I'm sorry things are so crappy for you right now. But I think you're doing the right thing by going to your regular doc as soon as possible and to ask about the Lamictal (pronounced "lam ICK tull").

The pdoc will understand and will probably applaud you for taking steps to take care of yourself.

And though you dread repeating the whole sad story to yet another person, a psychiatric interview can be very comforting and reassuring. Finally, someone who knows how to ask the right questions and isn't shocked by the answers. It can be a real relief.

When you see your regular doc, be completely honest. Explain how bad you feel and that you've been reading about augmentation and think you really need it. They can take it from there.

Good luck. Please check back in and let us know how it went.

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You still have many options for ADs. It takes time to find the right meds, sometimes years. There are also the older ADs that can really quell anxiety in some people. Hang in there!

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this depression i'm in is not going away.

ive also been depression shopping. a few weeks ago i tried to cheer myself up by

I'm going through the same here. My depression keeps hanging over me like the proverbial black cloud. I'm on no meds (other than seroquel for sleep) because the pharmacy can't get hold of it anymore for some reason. Besides, the WB was giving me quite bad anxiety so I don't even know if it was helping or not. And so I'm still depressed. ;)

Like you, I try to cheer myself up by SHOPPING. I've got clothes I haven't even had a chance to wear, I've got a sapphire and diamond ring at the jewellers that I'm paying off (it will be the most expensive piece of jewellery that I will own), it was on sale for 50% off so i just had to have it. Not like I need it or can afford it. When I'm especially feeling crappy I go and buy a lot of junk food to help make me feel better. ANd yes, it's never enough. You get a temporary break in yr depression but then it wears off and off I go shopping again a few days later. :)

After therapy I always feel bad, used to just go drink wine in the evening afterwards, but now I just go shopping instead. That's all I have to live for really. I've given up on life for the most of it.

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this depression i'm in is not going away.

ive also been depression shopping. a few weeks ago i tried to cheer myself up by

I'm going through the same here. My depression keeps hanging over me like the proverbial black cloud. I'm on no meds (other than seroquel for sleep) because the pharmacy can't get hold of it anymore for some reason. Besides, the WB was giving me quite bad anxiety so I don't even know if it was helping or not. And so I'm still depressed. ;)

Like you, I try to cheer myself up by SHOPPING. I've got clothes I haven't even had a chance to wear, I've got a sapphire and diamond ring at the jewellers that I'm paying off (it will be the most expensive piece of jewellery that I will own), it was on sale for 50% off so i just had to have it. Not like I need it or can afford it. When I'm especially feeling crappy I go and buy a lot of junk food to help make me feel better. ANd yes, it's never enough. You get a temporary break in yr depression but then it wears off and off I go shopping again a few days later. :)

After therapy I always feel bad, used to just go drink wine in the evening afterwards, but now I just go shopping instead. That's all I have to live for really. I've given up on life for the most of it.

I've been going through a long period of depression which seems to be lessening but being replaced by anxiety and strange thoughts. I've also been shopping--on-line of course since I haven't been leaving the house. Of course being depressed, I don't open the packages when I get them. I never really shopped in depression. I've shopped quite a bit to say the least when manic. It's nice to hear that I'm not alone in this crappy time.

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