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I had made it for a year.


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;):) just in case :cussing::wtf:

I hadn't cut for a year. Thougth of it often, knife in hand but I resisted the pull of release. Lost the battle yesterday. I had finally work up the courage to get the mail. I got my offical copy of my final divorce decree. I did it again, ruined my life and the lives of those around me. I feel so guilty. My own mind keeps sabotaging my life; manic/mixed, depressed, anxious. I barely remember a "normal" time. God, I hate myself!

I ended up giving into the pull. I didn't want to stop. It was everthing I needed it to be. I know that it's not the best coping mechinism. I have been obsessing about it all day. I've been able to resist today but worry. What about tommorow? I look at the old scars, the fresh wounds and sigh.

moxie

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;):):cussing:

I relapsed a short while ago after 18 months. I don't know what we can do other than follow the cliched old line "one day at a time". People are bound to suggest substitutes, such as plunging your arm into a tub of ice, or snapping elastic bands on your wrists, but those have never worked for me. In a conversation with a friend recently we came to the conclusion that those substitutes don't work for everyone, because SI is about the ritutal - the decision, the action, the consequences. It has to be broken at some point along those lines.

But really, all I'm doing at the moment is reminding myself that I have major surgery coming up next week, and I don't want those doctors to see new scars on my arms. After that, I'll look for a new goal, but at the end of it all it'll be a matter of "not today, maybe tomorrow".

Don't beat yourself up. God knows we've all been through this.

Oh, and I'm also in the middle of a hideously complicated divorce, and that mess of emotions can very easily become too much to take.

strength to you

M

edit: I forgot to ask if you're seeing a pdoc (psychiatrist) or tdoc (therapist) to assist you in working through all the divorce crap?

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Moxie (and MiaB also),

I know that relapsing into self harm makes you feel sad and guilty and ashamed.

BUT. You haven't ruined everything forever. You did what you needed to do to cope with a very emotional situation, and you had kept a great record up till then. I don't believe that you have undone, or slipped back or become a bad person. That year still counts and always will. Now comes the hard part of starting each day and trying to manage each present moment without self harming. But you have done it before, and will do it again. Maybe this time is a stressful time and self harm will be a feature, but it isn't forever. When we are trying to give up a habit, two surefire ways of failing are to focus on our past and how bad it makes us feel, or worry for our future, and how we might fail. Better to take it minute by minute.

I think we are pretty honest here that our pinned alternatives don't always work. But they are always worth a go. You never know what might satisfy the urge when you least expect it. If you have tried, you can at least say that you did all you could and only self harmed as a last resort. Even if you try an alternative, 50%, 20% of the time, that is progress. Anything you do to resist is laudable progress.

I hope that the cut is safe and clean and that you have sought medical attention is necessary. Try to mention it to a pdoc or tdoc if you can, and get some support.

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thanks to everyone for the supportive words and hugs. I've resisted cutting since that night. One day, one moment at a time I resist alot of things. Some I win some I lose. Your right just pick up the piece and start again and not beat myself up over it. I slipped up. I resisted for a year. I can do it again. Maybe I can do it 2,3,4.....who knows maybe the rest of my life?

I have been working with both a therapist and a psychitrist for a year and a half. With the end of the marriage, he can remove the insurance. Which I'm sure he will. I am trying to get help from the state. Not sure if I will get to keep them. I'll just have to worry about that when the time comes. I have enough to worry about at the moment.

Thanks again.

moxie

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You had a MASSIVE trigger in your face. I don't think anyone here can't relate.

What I read in your post is that you turned it all inward. You're the bad guy. It's all your fault. And so on and so forth.

You're not the baddy you know. And it's not all your fault. You also can't hold yourself responsible for the lives of others.

I can appreciate where you are right now and all I can say is to please try to do something good for yourself and turn it outwards instead of inwards. Not everything can be in your control. And please find someone to talk to about this like Miab suggests.

There are times when self-hatred is so strong that I can blame myself for world hunger. It's incorrect thinking. I am not the butterfly in Red Square that's causing flooding in Taiwan. You don't have super human powers to mess everything up everywhere. That is the illness talking and you have the right to tell it to shut the f*** up and go away.

I'm sorry about your recent SI, but be proud of your year free from it and start again.

Hugs from someone who recently broke a nine month run of no cutting and now really really regrets the scarring.

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