Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Manic as hell


Recommended Posts

I don't have my own computer anymore since my husband left me, took the kids, didn't renew the lease on our apartment, and basically dumped me off like a piece of garbage to go stay with my mother's friend. I'd like to read and respond to threads and I apologize for just bitching about my fucked up life instead of giving support to all you guys.

So I was in Florida to visit my mother. She's been great with helping me financially, as much as she can she has no money, and listening, but when I finally cried one day she got mad, left the room, got onto the computer, swept the porch, all the while knowing that I was siting on the couch crying. She finally came back in, apologized and let me cry on her for a minute. But now I feel completely washed out. I feel like I can't express my grief anymore. I can't cry. I was crying five or six times a day. I'd always go off by myself to do so, but now I can't do it even alone. I am going to try to cry this afternoon. It's all in there and it doesn't have an outlet anymore. It's what sent me completely over the edge. It was bad enough to lose my entire life, but then having my mother reject me.....well, that was about it.

It's so ridiculous. I'd been doing stupid delusional OCD type of things, like if I brush my teeth, rinse twice, then swallow the third time then I would be staying there. If it was at a place that I didn't want to stay, like a hotel or someone elses house then I wouldn't swallow. I truly thought if I did that and other equally insane things, then he wouldn't leave me. Well guess what. It doesn't work.

I haven't slept or eaten in two days. Well I did sleep a little bit last night, a few hours. I've been drinking, at times way too much, or like now, just enough to take the edge off. I know what I am doing and I know it is self destructive. But you know what, I just don't care anymore. I want to be dead. I don't want to die, but I want to be dead, if that makes any sense.

I've never felt this insane before It's stress. Losing your entire life in one fell swoop would make anyone feel insane. But when you are already nuts...yeah. I don't even know what the words are. I am trying to not sit here and feel sorry for myself. I keep saying the same things over and over again to everybody. I know it's because I am having a hideously hard time processing through what has happened to me. And truly, I am not a victim mentality type of person. When I very badly broke my leg last year and was laid up for months and months, not once did I feel sorry for myself. Shit happens. But this time....I truly am a victim. I am a victim of my husband's selfishness, childishness, inability to take responibility and not abandon your wife when she has no way to support herself. I've had a child under the age of four for 21 years straight. It's all I've ever done. I have no education, even though I was a straight A student. I was busy raising children. And now it's all gone. All I ever really and truly wanted to do is be a wife and mother. I have seven children and I don't live with any of them. My oldest is two weeks shy of 21. So she's on her own and that's fine. My second daughter is 18 but is special needs (mental retardation, autistic spectrum, psychotic disorder, bla bla bla). The middle two girls live with their dad, my ex husband. But it is the three little ones, my two sons who are 6 and 2, and my 5 year old daughter....that is what is killing me. He has them because he has the means to support them and a place to live. I don't. I am going to see them tonight and it is so painful. I will never be the mother figure in their lives. Not the person who you come home to after school and helps you with your homework and makes you dinner. I will be more like an aunt figure. I mean, they know I am their mother and they want to see me and spend time with me, but it's not the same. Especially my little Joey. He's just a baby. I want my Joey back! And it's over. The end. Done.

And then there is the fact that my husband is so naive that he actually listened to his lawyer and filed a petition for temporary custody. He told the court about my stupid overdose, my occasional binge drinking, my bipolar disorder. As a result, the judge wants to get child protective involved and let me only have supervised visitation. Supervised visitation! He is sorry now that he did it, he truly didn't know what the consequenses would be. I knew! And I tried to tell him. But he chose to listen to his lawyer above me. That's a betrayal right there.

I can't believe he left me.

He is getting me a car. In the mean time, I had to leave my part time job, can't go to my counselor, am completely STRANDED here at my mother's friend's house. She is a wonderful lady and I am grateful for a place to stay, but it's not my home. I want to go home, but it is gone. I want my family back. I want my children back. I want my husband back. But it is not going to happen.

And I have been psycho bitch from hell with him. I act like an ass, get angry, cry, yell, accuse him of being an ass, ect. It's not doing any good. It's making things worse. And then in the middle of it we also end up having sex. It's insane. It's a completely insane situation.

I feel completely batshit crazy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know you are in a tough spot, but other people are not always able to bear your burden. When they do it over and over gain, they get burned out. Your mom didn't reject you, she was overwhelmed and had to get some distance.

I have read your threads for quite some time. You need to get to a level of stability so you can start to rely on yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

from what you've said in the past, your husband has been talking about divorce for awhile now. it shouldn't be a shock that he's following through with what he said he was going to do. this is sad, sad, terrible news! you had your home ripped away. there is nothing that can make up for that.

you never know when the last kiss, the last "i love you", the last good bye will be. i learned that in dealing with my dad's suicide. you never know when it is final.

i'm not trying to be morbid, only point to a different perspective...

finality brings a new beginning. in the ruins of your life, as WZ said, you'll be able to regain your footing and be waterfall once again. take the child thing in stride. don't think about it too much. just know that everything will work out for you.

in the long run, this could be the best thing that could have happened to you. you're no longer holding on to a dead life. you have the chance to grow a new one on your own.

best of luck with this. keep posting. we don't care about if you support us or not- we're here for YOU.

loon

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I finally got some sleep. I popped some Seroquel and passed out. I am trying to eat but the food gets stuck in my throat.

Thanks for the replies. I am going to take a shower today finally. It's hard when you don't want to take care of yourself anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I finally got some sleep. I popped some Seroquel and passed out. I am trying to eat but the food gets stuck in my throat.

Thanks for the replies. I am going to take a shower today finally. It's hard when you don't want to take care of yourself anymore.

You're depressed, but the good news is it will pass and you will move on. Sorry about your predicament, I surely don't envy you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've read your posts for a long time too, Waterfall. If I remember correctly, you and your husband and kids were living in chaos.

I know it all hurts like hell, but this is your chance to start over and build some stability like wifezilla said.

It might also give the kids the stability they need, since you're not with the husband and fighting around the clock.

It's time to focus on you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've read your posts for a long time too, Waterfall. If I remember correctly, you and your husband and kids were living in chaos.

I know it all hurts like hell, but this is your chance to start over and build some stability like wifezilla said.

It might also give the kids the stability they need, since you're not with the husband and fighting around the clock.

It's time to focus on you.

But that's the thing. We weren't fighting and certainly not around the kids. He just decided to bail. It's my own fault. He deserted me when I was pregnant with our first son. I should have known better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope some good comes of this. From what I've read it sounds as if it was inevitible. You need to be strong and take care of yourself now. Be sure to look into any and all free legal aide you might be eligible for. You will always be their mother, no matter what. Hang on!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...