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I can't think clearly. Hell, my memory is like swiss cheese. I can't feel. At least anything good. It's fleeting and the shadow of depression comes right back in. I've tried meds, if you know my history you know I've tried a ton. ECT may be my last option.

I haven't called my pdoc. I keep on saying and saying I will but I can't even pick up the phone. My mind goes blank and I feel so much fear.

My physical therapy isn'y going well either. Neither Medicaid or Medicare will cover a machine I need. I'm on SSDI and can't afford it on my own.

Everything feels so hopeless. I want to die. If it wasn't for my daughter I would be dead. I hate going through the motions and putting up a front for the sake of everyone around me. Sometime I even dread being around her becuase it's mentally and physically exhausting. This sucks because I love her so much.

I can't really say much anymore. I can't think. I think all of the meds i've tried have permanantly damaged my brain.

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I wish that I had an answer to give you some hope, but I don't know the U.S medical system very well. Just know that I am here for you, you can pm me whenever you need to. I am thinking of you. Could someone you know and trust make that pdoc call on your behalf?

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sdjeff--

I cannot say that I have gone through exactly what you are going through, but I can say I understand, at least having both disabling physical and mental illness. My barrier to treatment was not money; it was convincing the doctors that my illness was real, and with that compounded with my later denial, finding out perhaps too late that it was in fact real, very real.

I am very glad you have your daughter to live for. Please spend as much time with her as possible. It will make you feel much better, and maybe even alleviate a little bit of your pain syndrome.

My mother has MI (mainly GAD, with borderline features) as well as a joint disorder that gives her a lot of pain. She often has a hard time finding a reason to live, especially with my physical illness now in the way. The two things that keep her alive are the fact that her father was a suicide (and that makes her want to not follow his path), and well, as she says, the other reason is me. I can tell that her MI gets significantly worse when I'm not around to talk to her (and I'm 23, a grown child!).

In turn, I have my parents to live for. I know they didn't spend years and years and tens of thousands of dollars to then have their only child off himself. (n.B. - I now understand this fact a lot better than I did 10 years ago...)

Lastly, something a bit more pragmatic. Before you assume that you've been through all pharmacological treatment options, make sure that you've tried every class of AD under the sun. This includes the TCAs, as well as the tetracyclic ADs (including trazodone, Remeron, maprotiline, and amoxapine). MAOIs can be inconvenient, but they often show wonders in treating refractory cases. Selegiline is a newer "selective" MAOI that has no dietary restrictions at the typical AD/Parkinson's dose.

Please talk to your doctor. Have someone else call and set up an appointment if necessary. Something tells me you're not completely out of options. Even making one aspect of your problem better could potentially change your life.

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I am so sorry that you are feeling so hopeless. When our illness does not respond to treatment, it is so easy to get to that place. My progress from my most ill point has been very very slow but there HAS been progress if I just look at it even while feeling like shit today. I too doubt that you have tried all of the med. cocktails available. I would tell my Pdoc. exactly what I have been feeling and ask what else can be done now. Hang on for your daughter & mom. My mom died of suicide when I was ten. My own children have kept me alive so many times. Call your Pdoc. and tdoc or have someone to make those calls for you. Would be nice if they made house calls, huh?

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Thanks all. Herrfous, I checked out your music. Pretty cool. Did you do the guitar? I have one, I just can't play the damn thing.

I'm feeling a little better today.

Bottom line, I can't call my pdoc. I do this, I put off calling and then I'm in crisis and end up at the hospital. Problem is, I don't know who to have call. My dad is ambivalent, If I bring my drama to my mom, I get interrogated. Plus I think she acts like I'm putting her out. My pdoc is an enigma. I don't know what he would think.

Often I think I need to go inpatient. I've tried all of the AD, AC, AP and whatever classes of drugs you can imagine. In four years I've been on almost every drug. That is no exaggeration. I'm so worried about damage. I use to be pretty smart. now I'm not the brightest crayon in the box anymore.

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i've been on so many meds that my pdoc wants to try ECT if the meds i'm on now don't do the trick. so far they're holding, so i hope this continues and i can avoid the shocks.

if you need to go inpatient, contact Mobile Crisis and explain your suicidality, and they will hook you up with the free gov hospital in your area. i got totally free treatment, from the ambulance ride to the inpatient treatment to the drugs they gave me to take home and everything when i was there. the treatment was on par with the private hospitals i've been to and at least the food didn't suck ;)

i admire that you're there for your daughter. i wish my dad would have had the strength to still be here for me. but MI clouds your vision and takes you over. i'll always regret his death.

keep your chin up, no matter what. fight this! don't be afraid of radical treatments. they are shown to be very effective. i'd do anything if it meant saving my life.

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Thanks all. Herrfous, I checked out your music. Pretty cool. Did you do the guitar? I have one, I just can't play the damn thing.

I'm glad you like it. I don't play guitar (and never have), was always a klutz and now with the Parkinson-like issues I can't tie shoes, let alone play guitar. What you hear there is entirely synthesized (though I do have to play with the instrument voices for quite a while to make something realistic sounding; Apple didn't do such a good job on their standard guitar presets).

On that note [EDIT: I swear that pun was NOT intended], have you tried music in some form? I suppose guitar's out of the question, but keyboard/piano is relatively easy to self-teach (I was getting passable at the stuff until my brain started going to shit). If you don't mind the racket, drums are great for those of us with a little too much emotional baggage.... they're by far the best instrument to take stuff out on. You can't take stuff out on a guitar without destroying it (though, that does get some attention on-stage).

Then again, you could also synth compose like I do (a keyboard is handy for this).

Also glad you're feeling better now. I'm sorry you have a hard time bringing this up with your parents. I'm sometimes the same way too, as my mother will go into histrionics (although she does care deeply), and my father either will not understand or will get really upset (at himself) regarding the whole situation.

Anyways, best of luck continuing on the road to recovery.

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Thanks all. Herrfous, I checked out your music. Pretty cool. Did you do the guitar? I have one, I just can't play the damn thing.

I'm glad you like it. I don't play guitar (and never have), was always a klutz and now with the Parkinson-like issues I can't tie shoes, let alone play guitar. What you hear there is entirely synthesized (though I do have to play with the instrument voices for quite a while to make something realistic sounding; Apple didn't do such a good job on their standard guitar presets).

On that note [EDIT: I swear that pun was NOT intended], have you tried music in some form? I suppose guitar's out of the question, but keyboard/piano is relatively easy to self-teach (I was getting passable at the stuff until my brain started going to shit). If you don't mind the racket, drums are great for those of us with a little too much emotional baggage.... they're by far the best instrument to take stuff out on. You can't take stuff out on a guitar without destroying it (though, that does get some attention on-stage).

Then again, you could also synth compose like I do (a keyboard is handy for this).

Also glad you're feeling better now. I'm sorry you have a hard time bringing this up with your parents. I'm sometimes the same way too, as my mother will go into histrionics (although she does care deeply), and my father either will not understand or will get really upset (at himself) regarding the whole situation.

Anyways, best of luck continuing on the road to recovery.

Sounds pretty good for samples. I actually have a studio rig w/2 keyboards (a pro 88 controller for computer synths and Novation A-Station and a roland Alpha Juno) and a whiz bang computer running Sonar PE 6. I can actually take out a little agression on the keys if I set the velocity really low. Unfortunately I haven't touched the rig in quite a while. Damn depression.

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I am the same way, I hate to call but it's better than ending up in the loony bin, right? Just tell him you are nervous about calling. He will ask you questions and reply honestly. Our calls are second nature to them, they are the ones we hire, they work for us. Please call. If not, could a friend call for you? Could you email the pdoc? I hope you feel better soon.

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Thanks all. Herrfous, I checked out your music. Pretty cool. Did you do the guitar? I have one, I just can't play the damn thing.

I'm feeling a little better today.

Bottom line, I can't call my pdoc. I do this, I put off calling and then I'm in crisis and end up at the hospital. Problem is, I don't know who to have call. My dad is ambivalent, If I bring my drama to my mom, I get interrogated. Plus I think she acts like I'm putting her out. My pdoc is an enigma. I don't know what he would think.

Often I think I need to go inpatient. I've tried all of the AD, AC, AP and whatever classes of drugs you can imagine. In four years I've been on almost every drug. That is no exaggeration. I'm so worried about damage. I use to be pretty smart. now I'm not the brightest crayon in the box anymore.

Could some of the mental fog be from the depression and not from the medication? Could you send your Pdoc a snail mail?

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Thanks all. Herrfous, I checked out your music. Pretty cool. Did you do the guitar? I have one, I just can't play the damn thing.

I'm feeling a little better today.

Bottom line, I can't call my pdoc. I do this, I put off calling and then I'm in crisis and end up at the hospital. Problem is, I don't know who to have call. My dad is ambivalent, If I bring my drama to my mom, I get interrogated. Plus I think she acts like I'm putting her out. My pdoc is an enigma. I don't know what he would think.

Often I think I need to go inpatient. I've tried all of the AD, AC, AP and whatever classes of drugs you can imagine. In four years I've been on almost every drug. That is no exaggeration. I'm so worried about damage. I use to be pretty smart. now I'm not the brightest crayon in the box anymore.

Could some of the mental fog be from the depression and not from the medication? Could you send your Pdoc a snail mail?

I don't really know. I just remember before meds I was surely off my rocker but I was smarter. A snail mail is a good idea.

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