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rambling here

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sorry we haven;t been around to lend support. feel like crap about that.

want to reach out by updating whats new, will probably run away again after i write this.

depression is kicking our ass hard. sleeping bout 16 hours a day. next week is the appointment at the clinic where we get tested for bipolar. whee.

then wait umpteen million years for pdoc to decide what the hell to to with me/us.

breaking through agitation - one minute numb and one minute homicidal, then just depressed and compliant.

face hurts so bad. neck hurts so bad.

gp gave us doxepin for maxillofacial pain or whatever its called.

tried it for two weeks.

it did nothing but act like ambien - punching people and screaming out loud in our sleep, sleepwalking, and absolutely NO memory of any of it.

stopped that foolishness last night.

gp today says that pain is coming from tempromandibular joint and cannot be relieved by traditional painkillers - it doesnt respond apparently. but there are two specialists in the city who see ONLY tmj patients and they have a three month waiting list and INSURACE DOESNT PAY FOR IT so it isnt going to happen so one of these days i'm just going to slam my face into the concrete and break my own jaw abd force them to fix it that way. cause we cant take the constant switching from this pain.

feel so guilty seeing looks on the faces of partner and daughter... they know its the sixth time "i" have asked that question today, but I don't! it was some here before me! i'm sorry i can't remember anything beyond today and i am sorry you are watching me lose more weight but i can't deal with that i can't eat it hurts and i want to be sick. bmi still good so no worries.

daughters friends want to be here all the time because our house is more fun and people don't yell at each other here, like EVER (even though we're the poorest of the bunch and have NOTHING compared to them). feel too guilty to say no but can't deal with people much longer everyone needs to go away please please go away and leave me alone for just a little while....

parter is still unemployed home all the time i can't take it the kids wont come out near him and they make so much pressure behind my eyes and i am wracked with guilt.

i wish i could remember a good thing to say but i can;t right now. doc has us on 3 mgs of clonazepam and we can;t remember shit about anything cause it's all one big haze, one moment at a time.

oh yeah daughter turned 16. that's a happy thing. or it's just proof that i am as old as people keep telling me i am. pshaw.

time to go make coffee.

love to my crazy dissociative friends,

a bunch of us (who knows?)

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Hi lysergia,

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time with everything. TMJ sucks azz. Have you tried a mouth splint? They are expensive, but worth it in the long run. It really made a difference with mine.

I dont know to much about DID and stuff. So I really cant say much about that, except I think it must be hard to live with. I am bewildered enough by my personality as it is with out having multipules. I do have BPD, which can be some really out there stuff. But nothing compared to DID.

I have a daughter who just turned 13, and ykw, I feel really old and really stupid when I am around her. Right now they are being raised by my ex husband, and they ( I have three Kids ) have all kinds of inside jokes and songs. Stuff I just dont know what they are talking about. I feel like I am intruding on them, like I dont even know my own kids, and it is definatly a trigger for me. It makes me feel very sad and worthless as a human being.


My best to you,


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