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Lost my mom


zenbean

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Hi everyone,

I haven't been around for a few weeks because my mom has been in and out of ICU (mostly in) for the past few weeks with late-stage colon cancer. She died last Thursday, July 12. By then she was also dealing with blood clots in her lungs, renal failure, and a mild heart attack. Despite the doctors' and nurses' very best efforts, she was in a lot of pain and it was horrific to see her suffering. I never really understood when people said things like, "It's a blessing she died, now she's out of pain". But now I do.

I'm doing my best to do the common-sense things to keep my bipolar under control, but it's hard to get enough sleep, and I often don't feel like eating. I have managed to keep on track with my meds. Thank God I was able to take off work this week, but I need to go back on Monday the 23rd.

Like many of us do with our parents, I had a very close but very conflicted relationship with her. In a way, this makes it harder to deal with. I miss her so much but I have a lot of anger around a lot of things she did, from the time I was a child until very recently. She was sometimes mentally and emotionally abusive and sometimes my best friend. Very few people know this. To the outside world, she was absolutely the perfect mom (largely, my tdoc says, because I kept her secrets and took care of her needs).

Anyway - sorry this is long - I just wanted to share and to let you all know where I've been. (Although I don't imagine people have been frantically saying, "Where's Zenbean?", but I do want to be an active part of this community and that means showing up regularly). Thanks for letting me vent.

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Condolences.

I went through kind of the same thing with my mom almost a year ago.

She died of lung cancer. [she never smoked, go figure!]

Take care of you.

And if anyone tries to give you any shit tell 'em to bite your ass.

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It's hard to lose your mother, even if it was a rocky relationship. I hope you can write in a journal or in a blog somewhere how you felt about her, and talk more about your grief. It really does help to talk about it.

I'm so sorry that she died.

sympathetically,

olga

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I'm also so sorry for your loss zenbean. I think that every mother-child relationship has a degree of complexity to it, and it's virtually impossible for people on the outside to "get" what really goes on between the two of you.

As the others have already said, keep doing your best to take care of yourself.

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as the others said - make sure you take care of yourself

Like many of us do with our parents, I had a very close but very conflicted relationship with her. In a way, this makes it harder to deal with. I miss her so much but I have a lot of anger around a lot of things she did, from the time I was a child until very recently. She was sometimes mentally and emotionally abusive and sometimes my best friend. Very few people know this.

I lost my mom on March 7 of this year - believe me - I completely understand. I am still going thru the emotions, but I think this is mostly because of the "strained" relationship. But I keep seeing her in my dreams - which are happy dreams. ;)

Talk all you want to.

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zenbean ... i am so sorry for your loss. and i empathize all too well. the 15th was the 12 year anniversary of losing my mom. lots of conflicting emotions for me too. this is the first year it actually felt like there has been some healing. please allow yourself to feel the anger. it helped me tremendously when i was finally able to give myself permission to do that. pm me anytime you want to chat. this is always painful journey to grieve one's parent.

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Thank you all so much. It really is comforting to know I'm not the only one who's gone through this, including the complicated/ambivalent aspects of it. You're so kind to share, and to let me share. Thank you.

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I am so sorry for what you have been through and I can't believe you were so sweet to answer my thread too. I'm so sorry the funeral director made you do something you knew you didn't want to do. I hope you can plant as many positive images in your brain to cover up the bad one.

and i'm so impressed at your self awareness- to eat sleep etc to keep the BP in check.I hope you feel ok about returning to work and hope that it will be a supportiive environment.best of luck with that.

I think so many women have very conflicted relationships with their mothers. though no one will be right where you are i'm sure many people will be able to relate- I know i can and would love to talk about it more with you.

continue to take good care of yourself and make sure you have suportive people around and available too. this mourning thing is so imposibly hard and you just don't know when a bad moment might hit- so its good to put things in place in case you need to talk.

and remember- as always we are here for you.

mrs l

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((Zenbean))

I too am sorry about the loss of your mother.

Grief can be a difficult process to work through and sometimes its a long journey....

Take care of you and try not to isolate if possible. Reach out to people who are there to help you.

Miss C.

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Zen, I'm so sorry that both you and your mother went through this. My mother and I had a rather similar relationship right up til the end. When a parent dies, often there is so much left un-resolved, un-said.We hope that you find peace within your self and with your mother.

Blessings

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