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Rapid cycling and Moving


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So, I've been rapid cycling lately. Usually about every two days, but more hypomania than depression. We're talking nasty, anxious, panic ridden hypomania where I can't sleep and I can't eat. The only good thing about this is I've finally managed to shed about 10 lbs of the medication weight I put on, but this really isn't the way I intended to do that.

To complicate matters even more I'm in the process of packing up my entire life and moving 12 hours away from where I live now. This is a move that we (my fiance and I) have been planning for a while and I think it will be a "Good Thing". At least this isn't some hypomania induced random change.

I can't seem to function. I can't seem to start packing, or even arrange for a vehicle to move in. I somehow have to pack up our entire life, load the vehicle, move 13 animals, and clean the old place. All of this by myself because my fiance can't get time off of his new job. I don't even know how I'm going to manage to move all the animals, let alone the other stuff. The only positive thing is that my soon to be father in law will be coming through town in a few weeks so he can move anything that I can't get to.

I can't go to my pdoc because there's always a few week to month delay, they'll just advise me to go to the ER. I strongly hate the ER, they've left me sobbing uncontrollably and bleeding (due to SI) n the waiting room for hours on end before. I get faster treatment for a migraine than I ever have for psych services. I don't have a tdoc. I went to my regular doctor today and he's really uncomfortable changing my meds, but agreed to a few changes. I've upped my lamictal to 300mg and I'm allowed to take more clonazepam than I usually do. I have some zyprexa around just in case things get too out of control. Does anyone think that this may actually help? The lamictal has been good for me, and I'm really hoping that increasing the dose will slow things down.

Right now I'm forcing myself to eat, trying to sleep when I can, and am trying to do yoga (when I remember) because it calms me. I feel overwhelmed and incapable of coping. I just don't know what to do. So far I'm controlling my self-destructive urges but I feel like it's a losing battle. I *can't* be hospitalized right now, because I am moving next week. I need the money from work and I have to be out of this place. I really have no choice but to function. Hopefully, once I move I'll qualify for EI and may be able to take a short break to calm down.

I don't know, I don't think there's anything that can be done right now. I just need to vent. God, I should have remembered to ask for some ativan. There's no way I'll get it at the walk in clinic, they seem to view everyone as a drug seeker. Especially, if you're asking for a benzo. No one seems to understand that I've been on an approved dose of clonazepam for years now and have never abused it. I only take as much as I need, which in a good time is 0.5 mg/day. I get by with the least amount that is possible.

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I haven't accomplished a single thing, aside from cleaning as much as I can with the animals still in the house. However, I bought myself more time because I'm not moving until Aug 5th. I also convinced my fiance to fly down on the 4th to help with the move. Well, more precisely my mom freaked at the thought of driving by myself and bought my fiance a plane ticket.

I am feeling a bit more stable, but depressed. I'm thinking of upping the lamictal to 400 mg, I have my doctor's permission to do so if need be. I'm definitely going to have to make mental health connections as soon as I hit Van. I've started some of my old destructive behaviours, but I should stabilize a bit on those once I'm back with my fiance. It's hard to hide bulimia when you live with someone.

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Well, it's all going down the tubes. The car rental fell through b/c I don't have a credit card. I can't be trusted with them and racked up debt, paid it off, and closed the card. My fiance doesn't have a card of his own.

My father is willing to use his visa to secure the rental (and pay for the car, but I won't let him) but the rental companies won't allow this. Even if I'm a secondary driver I'm required to have a credit card. So, basically if you're not willing to spend money that you don't have you can't rent a car. Cash deposits, third party rentals and the like are not allowed. So, at best I'm moving a week later than I want to. I'll have no internet or cable for a week, nothing but my own thoughts which is not a good thing right now.

No real solutions, no real ideas on what I can do. I have the zyprexa and may just drug myself to sleep for a while. I took some ativan and am feeling pretty disconnected right now. i'm trying not to do anything bad, but have been having no success in the ED area. I just need to move, find a pdoc, and go from there. If things get really bad I'll go to the hospital, my family will just have to look after things. Or maybe I can find a pet sitter. Dammit, I have no idea and am just rambling in an ativan induced drugged state.

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