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I've not cut for a month or so. I've been really tempted of late. I'm a transition-y stage of life, with job hunting and moving out and stuff, and new relationship has started, and as happy as it makes me, it also makes me scared. I am honest with my therapist and some friends, and my boyfriend wants me to be honest with him if I do it and he notices a cut and asks me (I don't report to him, that would inappropriate and odd) so I don't want to have to confess to anyone that I have given in. I am used to keeping my cutting as my own pleasure, my own secret bad habit, now the rest of me is DBT'ed and cured, and I am not thought of as ill.

I threw my tool away and took out some rage cutting bracken with a sickle today. But I still feel self destructive. I wanted to keep accountable to you really.

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This is just a comment out of the blue so don't take me too seriously...

Your cocktail seems a bit light for someone who SI's. I've never found Depakote to be of any use in that area and a tricyclic isn't generally much help either although they're great for MDD associated with BP. I don't think either are indicated for SI. Have you talked to pdoc about adding something to control the urge.

You mention that you have psychotic episodes and I don't think either of your meds deal with those. I personally hate Depakote because it hated me and don't have any experience with tricyclics so pay no mind to my rambling comments.

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I was on an AP, Risperdal but have come off it, I don't need it and I cope with the few mild psychotic experiences I have. It's my pdoc's suggestion to do that. I know it's controversial around here, what with kindling, but it is my choice.

I have not considered meds for SI, I wasn't aware there were any. Depakote works well for me.

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APs are sometimes given off-label for SI. I know Zyprexa is and since I've been on it I really haven't thought of SI at all. My psychotic symptoms are mild and usually only show up in times of extreme stress and crisis.

When you've got a mixed bag of symptoms and some only show up occasionally it can make finding the right cocktail harder. I'm forever questioning whether I "need" some things like sleep meds when I have no trouble falling asleep. Then, I go one night without and wake up the next day completely frazzled from an evening of vivid nightmares and remember why I "need" to continue for now.

You say you have strong urges. See what kind of band-aid you can get for that. It doesn't have to be a med. I know when the urge hits me I will eventually act on it even if it is days later.

Here's hoping you've kept the urge monsters at bay.

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I've not cut yet. I have been on Zyprexa and had to come off it, it didn't agree with me. I don't like the weight and metabolism issues around some AP's. My SI is minor, so major marks, no infected wounds, no noticeable scars, no increased or deeper cuts over time, so I think it's not somethng that needs urgent suppression with meds.

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