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Loon-A-TiK

"Can't Handle" Me?

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my boyfriend and i are having a serious problem. well, i think it's serious, and i really don't know what he thinks because every time i try to talk about it, he accuses me of starting a fight.

he said last night that he can only see me once or twice a week because he "can't handle" me talking about how i feel. the thing is that i talk about how i feel here: i keep my feelings away from him on purpose because i know his nerves are more fragile than mine and he needs his xanax if i start talking about anything on my mind.

it's really important to me to be able to get support from and communicate with my lover, however he just shuts down and doesn't want to hear it. he claims to have shot nerves from all the problems in his life and doesn't need to hear about mine. it isn't even like i talk about them. this is totally in his imagination.

then he had the nerve to say that the reason he never helps me at all financially (i'm on SSDI and frequently need help) is because it is chronic and will never end: i'll "never be off of" SSDI, so it is pointless to help me.

WTF?? he's been in my life for a long time and i've had problems with him in this department before, but this is the first time he's really articulated his issues. he also said that we're together still because we're both crazy and understand each other because of that. i think that part may be true, but i have limits to my patience and understanding.

so the end of my rant- what should i do? how can this relationship go on with his attitude issues?

my family thinks i should start charging him for sex ;)

Edited by Loon-A-TiK

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At some point you've got to look at the relationship and ask yourself are you with this guy because you actually love him or because you are scared of being alone?

Which sucks less?

What are you getting out of this relationship in comparison to what you are giving.

Is it really worth the drama?

If you live for the drama, then ya, it's worth it.

If not, then chuck the guy.

problem solved.

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Hi,

I think your family have the right idea. ;)

But seriously, being a couple is sharing each others problems as well as the good times. Rather than trying to *talk* to your boyfriend, why don't you write everything in a letter and give it to him to read when he is alone and has the time and space to process everything.

SW

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maddy, you've always got it all right! :) i hate any and all drama. i'm with him because i do love him, and also because he's become a fixture in my life. it's hard to dump someone who has been in your life, regardless of if he's been "there" for you or not.

in this case, i can't think of a time he's actually put himself out there for me, though he'll claim he has. i think we have different understandings of what it means to be there for someone. we can't come to terms on what it means because when i try to talk about it, he accuses me of starting fights and won't talk.

everyone wants me to chuck him. i've done it before and been happy, only to end up going back.

so, it's the same old. he still "can't handle" me and i still go nuts because i want my lover to be able to share everything with me and he can't hear about me having a cold. really. if i'm just stressed, i can't say "i'm stressed" wtihout him running for his benzos. and this is behavior from an adult.

SW, i'll give it a go. it can't hurt. maybe i should put a ;) stamp on it and suggest he take his benzos prior to opening it, for fear he'll have a heart attack upon hearing that i have flashbacks about finding my dad. i can't discuss that stuff with him. for heaven's sake- grow up already!

Edited by Loon-A-TiK

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then he had the nerve to say that the reason he never helps me at all financially (i'm on SSDI and frequently need help) is because it is chronic and will never end: i'll "never be off of" SSDI, so it is pointless to help me.

So, um..are you two living together? I mean if you're not then why would he help you other than maybe the occasional meal out or ride somehwere, a gift once in a while? Or do you think he should be paying for sex?

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CNS- no, we don't live together. he'd never consider that, because he is "too stressed" and "needs time". apparently he can only see me once or twice a week and that's a lot. i don't even talk about anything on my mind because it will make him run for his benzos. that's what's so annoying.

the paying for sex part is my family's idea of humor. :) they joke that i should make him do that because he doesn't do anything else for me, like listen to me. he also refuses to help me at all financially, but that isn't even the biggest of deals to me, because i'd rather not mix money and our relationship (even though my family thinks he should be helping me). his attitude towards it is what bothers me. he's like "oh well, she'll never improve, so i guess i don't have to help her ever".

he swears up and down to care deeply, but his actions don't show it. i'm just confused ;)

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Ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life. If not, it's time to move on. People rarely change, situations do. Or you can always accept it. We all do that in relationships. Do what is best for you. You have a Mental health life to look after also. Good luck.

Sondra

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Hi Loon! ;)

Well, I've heard that "Actions speak louder than words". But I really don't know how true that is.......How is he a fixture in your life?

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Loon, a few things:

1. It doesn't matter what your family think he ought to be doing, you seem to talk a lot about what they want and think and not a lot about what you want. Put their bossiness and nosiness aside for a moment.

2. This man has mental health problems of his own, limits your time together, doesn't want any kind of emotional intimacy with you, sees you a lost cause, and doesn't honestly sound like he imagines a future with you beyond casual sex twice a week. That is what you have here. Not a relationship, not love, just sex. That is all pretty much all it appears to be for him.

3. You have another boyfriend, have always had other boyfriends while with this man, and have admitted that he hurts you emotionally and doesn't fulfill you.

4. You are unhappy with your own lot in life, and are grasping for something (a degree, ex's etc) to make it better.

You have posted about this man endlessly, and never have you posted anything he has ever done that sounds tender, romantic, considerate or loving. I have BP too. My boyfriend encourages me daily, he never puts me down, he can't wait to marry me. He's not got MI, though he has a busy stressful life of his own. But he never insists that I am too much like hard work, or hopeless, or that I ought to leave him alone. He will put up with me cancelling the occasional date,or having a meltdown, or self harming now and again, he gets that is what I have to do right now to survive, and he doesn't look down on me or fault me for it. Having MI doesn't mean you have to settle for sucky relationships or date weirdo's who treat you badly in the hopes they will understand your MI self or tolerate your weaknesses.

You post constantly about this guy. You have done for as long as I have posted here, and that must be at least a year. Are you ever actually going to be honest with yourself about this train wreck? Can you see that this is unhealthy for you, and him? I'm not making a moral judgement, if the two of you could agree to be fuck buddies and be happy, fine with me. But You can't drag this man down the aisle and make him be a functional, kind human being who loves you if he isn't and he doesn't.

This arrangement is far more about loneliness and fear than it is anything else. Let it die.

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Loon -

Did you actually get the balls up to ASK for money or are you bitching because he hasn't offered? 'Cause they are 2 different things. But still, it is not his responsibility to pay for stuff for you, besides possibly dinner, because you are sleeping together. He wants to cut down on the time you're spending together. Maybe he's just not that into you.

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one outstanding part of old age is the rutting game is done for. testosterone has not been my friend altogether too many times.

look loon, you are mental, bright and attractive. so go out and mac some other dudes. see what's up then. all my femme sweet peas were raving maniacs. crazys are attracted to crazys.

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You know the quote that goes something like "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."? You seem to keep going back to the same men who were, and will probably never be, good for you. You seem to get much of your happiness from outside sources and you would rather be with someone who treats you like shit than to be alone. You disregard any good advice you get (like to work on your own issues, yourself, without a man in your life) and then complain endlessly about how these losers are treating you. Seriously, I would think long and hard about why you even associate with these guys. The common denominator is you. Accept any less than you deserve, and that's what you'll get.

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When I first divorced I read a book on what makes a good relationship last. Simply put it is communication. The author went into the five layers of communication of which I can only really recall the first and the last. The first level is that old "Hi dear how was work' question where you really don't listen and really don't care that much. The deepest layer is when you are asking how they feel about something and you are understanding that from them. "Loon, How do you feel about what is the deepest most intimate parts of communicaiton" would be one. But it also requires me to LISTEN to what you are saying.

I know I sometimes have problems just shutting up and listening.

To me, his refusal to listen to you(because of HIS precieved issues with his own life) indicates to me that he could care less about Loon and the relationship. Intimate communication is what every relationship must have. And he is not willing to go that deep.

I personally love to look into the womans eyes and try and understand her. Her complete being, not just what I want to see.

my boyfriend and i are having a serious problem. well, i think it's serious, and i really don't know what he thinks because every time i try to talk about it, he accuses me of starting a fight.

he said last night that he can only see me once or twice a week because he "can't handle" me talking about how i feel. the thing is that i talk about how i feel here: i keep my feelings away from him on purpose because i know his nerves are more fragile than mine and he needs his xanax if i start talking about anything on my mind.

it's really important to me to be able to get support from and communicate with my lover, however he just shuts down and doesn't want to hear it. he claims to have shot nerves from all the problems in his life and doesn't need to hear about mine. it isn't even like i talk about them. this is totally in his imagination.

then he had the nerve to say that the reason he never helps me at all financially (i'm on SSDI and frequently need help) is because it is chronic and will never end: i'll "never be off of" SSDI, so it is pointless to help me.

WTF?? he's been in my life for a long time and i've had problems with him in this department before, but this is the first time he's really articulated his issues. he also said that we're together still because we're both crazy and understand each other because of that. i think that part may be true, but i have limits to my patience and understanding.

so the end of my rant- what should i do? how can this relationship go on with his attitude issues?

my family thinks i should start charging him for sex ;)

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