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Pit of despair


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I was raped by 3 men when I was 15 and for 18 years I've carried this baggage with me.

I now believe it was largely this baggage that caused my partner to break up with me about 4 weeks ago. We had been together for 2 years. Things between us weren't great but I was always optimistic the problems could be resolved. I moved out in an effort to try and give us our space. 5 days later he broke up with me.

I did not get to deal with the rape at the time, did not have the support available to deal with it. So for 18 years the rape has festered and poisoned my mind, my relationships, my life. The rape and the neighbour who stuck his hands down my pants and tried sucking my face off when I was about 9 or 10. There's other baggage too but I think the rape is taking up the most space on the baggage trolley.

The split has left me tortured. All through life I've lost special people and been alone and since the split I'm more heartbroken every day, more tortured about feeling abandoned. Before meeting my ex I had been alone for years and during that time I was never satisfied, never happy. I had no friends. No family contact. No kind of intimacy or connection with anyone. I felt and again feel empty inside, void. To have this person in my life was amazing. I hadn't experienced it to that extent before. I love him and loved having him in my life. But I stuffed it up.

And now he's gone. And I'm alone with my poison again. And it sucks, big time. I can't stop thinking about killing myself to stop the poison, the pain. To stop my head from doing my head in. I am so lonely. Very very lonely. And I can't seem to meet people. Can't make any connections. When I was about 19 I smashed my head repeatedly against a concrete wall to stop the pain. I walked around with bruised panda eyes for ages. I keep wanting to do that now.

My ex knew about the rape, and has recently said that he knew a lot of what was happening between us was attributable to it, but never said anything. He just wants to get on with his life, has said in the past that he's "too young for this shit". I can't blame him for that.

Before we split I was depressed and wanted to die, but now it consumes an extremely large part of my thinking time, pretty much all of it to be honest. If I had access to pills or some easy method of doing it, I wouldn't be here to type this. I know this to be true.

The split is the most abrupt wake up call I've had that I have to try and deal with the rape. I've tried counselling in the past after getting into trouble with the law etc but I've never felt able to talk about the rape. I've seen different counsellors over the years, but always feel like I'm making nothing into something and clam up. I've recently tried a sexual abuse counsellor. Unfortunately she's a student and not particularly effective. I can't afford to pay to see someone so rely on the freebies. I've tried mental health services but I changed jobs a couple of times and had difficult making it to appointments so they discharged me. Now they don't want to know me. Tried various meds but they only seemed to make things worse.

I just feel so absolutely rock bottom. For me there is no point to living, not before the split and certainly not now I don't have someone special to share my life with. I don't aspire to success or live the mainstream life. Wherever I look the pointlessness of it all is reinforced. I want to die so the pain stops.

I honestly just want to die.

Maat

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Youch that's a heavy load for you to carry around! I can't claim any great insight into that sort of thing, but if you still feel like you might kill yourself, you need help now! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'll bet if you call the Samaritans in your town they will have a list of resources for you. Get yourself where someone can stop you from doing something dumb. NOW!

If you're feeling more in control, you still need counselling or something so you don't get back to that place.

Much of this despair is probably a temporary thing associated with the breakup. I'm sure you could feel it coming, so that your despair beforehand probably comes from the same thing. After some months, it's not going to be as bad. A few months is a long time, but short compared to the potential length of the rest of your life.

Eventually, you are probably going to be ready, if that's what you want, for another relationship. And you'll know more so perhaps you can make a better choice of partner and be better at maintaining the relationship as well.

Would it be possible for you to get a job with real health insurance?

What meds did you try, how much and for how long? Sometimes it takes a while to get the right one, and some of them take many weeks, or even as much as a couple of months,  to take hold.

Hoping you are feeling a bit better by now.

I was raped by 3 men when I was 15 and for 18 years I've carried this baggage with me.

I now believe it was largely this baggage that caused my partner to break up with me about 4 weeks ago. We had been together for 2 years. Things between us weren't great but I was always optimistic the problems could be resolved. I moved out in an effort to try and give us our space. 5 days later he broke up with me.

I did not get to deal with the rape at the time, did not have the support available to deal with it. So for 18 years the rape has festered and poisoned my mind, my relationships, my life. The rape and the neighbour who stuck his hands down my pants and tried sucking my face off when I was about 9 or 10. There's other baggage too but I think the rape is taking up the most space on the baggage trolley.

The split has left me tortured. All through life I've lost special people and been alone and since the split I'm more heartbroken every day, more tortured about feeling abandoned. Before meeting my ex I had been alone for years and during that time I was never satisfied, never happy. I had no friends. No family contact. No kind of intimacy or connection with anyone. I felt and again feel empty inside, void. To have this person in my life was amazing. I hadn't experienced it to that extent before. I love him and loved having him in my life. But I stuffed it up.

And now he's gone. And I'm alone with my poison again. And it sucks, big time. I can't stop thinking about killing myself to stop the poison, the pain. To stop my head from doing my head in. I am so lonely. Very very lonely. And I can't seem to meet people. Can't make any connections. When I was about 19 I smashed my head repeatedly against a concrete wall to stop the pain. I walked around with bruised panda eyes for ages. I keep wanting to do that now.

My ex knew about the rape, and has recently said that he knew a lot of what was happening between us was attributable to it, but never said anything. He just wants to get on with his life, has said in the past that he's "too young for this shit". I can't blame him for that.

Before we split I was depressed and wanted to die, but now it consumes an extremely large part of my thinking time, pretty much all of it to be honest. If I had access to pills or some easy method of doing it, I wouldn't be here to type this. I know this to be true.

The split is the most abrupt wake up call I've had that I have to try and deal with the rape. I've tried counselling in the past after getting into trouble with the law etc but I've never felt able to talk about the rape. I've seen different counsellors over the years, but always feel like I'm making nothing into something and clam up. I've recently tried a sexual abuse counsellor. Unfortunately she's a student and not particularly effective. I can't afford to pay to see someone so rely on the freebies. I've tried mental health services but I changed jobs a couple of times and had difficult making it to appointments so they discharged me. Now they don't want to know me. Tried various meds but they only seemed to make things worse.

I just feel so absolutely rock bottom. For me there is no point to living, not before the split and certainly not now I don't have someone special to share my life with. I don't aspire to success or live the mainstream life. Wherever I look the pointlessness of it all is reinforced. I want to die so the pain stops.

I honestly just want to die.

Maat

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

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Thanks for the reply Ido.

Not sure about better, today was one of the most trying days I've ever had and I don't ever want another weekend like the one just gone.

Today retried getting an appointment with a counsellor and kept reaching dead ends - people fully booked, waiting lists, and (believe it or not) closed for 3 weeks because they're shifting offices (um, that last one is the crisis centre, go figure). I know this is just the way it goes but I really need to talk to someone trained to deal with this asap and I just don't seem to be able to get that support. It's been like that in the past too. And now it's starting to affect my work. This is the first job I've had that I've enjoyed. The last two drove me nuts and didn't really matter but this one is great. If I lose it, I'll never forgive myself for being that much of a retard.

I saw my ex's mother in the supermarket tonight and stopped to say hi and she was going to carry on walking. She actually did stop to chat but she didn't want to. So seeing her set me off and I came home to my empty miserable hovel of a flat and felt crap all over again.

Ended up chatting to the ex on the net. Interestingly he thinks I've been doing nothing to help myself (pre and post breakup). And that's my fault cos I never told him in detail what I was doing, re the counselling etc. So all he saw was a screwed up mess. I thought he must have known? I'm sure I said something at some point... Argh.

At least he chatted with me. It was better than nothing. Even his criticism and emotional abuse was better than nothing. How sad is that?

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Hello,

Mostly just asking how things are going and how you are feeling today.

One of the sucky things about the system is that the person most able to act as their own advocate is going to get the best care. That's kind of rough for people with MI or those who are so sick they can't really function well. But that's the way it seems to work.

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Maat, I'm glad you are here...

I've been through the rape thing, the delay in working through it (hell, I'm still doing that!), and endlessly doubting myself and my worth.

Is there a rape crisis center/help/counselor available in your area? (or is that the one that is closed?) Despite the time length, there should still be help for you. Could you look into that and see if there may be something for you? It may be worth a try...

You made it through the weekend and good for you! I know that feeling of not wanting to make it to the next hour, but somehow I get there. And you are doing it too.

I wish I had great words of wisdom to share, but please know you are in my thoughts.

spike

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