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I nearly got arrested today!


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Last night I found two of my husband's guns in plain sight of me. They were on a shelf that is eye level in our closet, right where I put his clothes away.  Not hidden at all. They are not supposed to be in the house, let alone in my sight, let alone with the cartridge of bullets right next to them! 

The hospital and therapists told him so. I have attempted suicide 4 times in the last 10 years, once a year ago, plus a therapist called a suicide investigation on me last year. In the past weeks, I have been extremely depressed and suicidal.

One conversation that I remember having very recently with my husband is that he insisted that if someone really wanted to kill themselves, that they would find a way. I disagreed, saying that I would never try it again with pills, and that they would never sell me a gun because I've been in a psych hospital.

Yesterday my husband and I were arguing a lot and talking about a divorce. Then, after he was asleep, I see these guns!  Incredulous that he would actually leave the bullets with them, I loaded the cartridge into the little Smith and Wesson after remembering how they do it on TV. Click! It snapped right into place!  I thought and I thought. I could do this! But I just kept looking at my dog, and it was like she knew what I was thinking about. She is on medication for the rest of her life, and I knew that nobody would take care of her because she is 9 years old. (She is not the puppy in my Avatar). I decided to call the Crisis Call Center.

The guy on the other end was really good, and pretty soon he had me more angry at my husband that at myself. He said that my husband obviously either doesn't care about me, or was trying to get me to kill myself because it would be an easy way out of the marriage. I agreed. He told me to take the guns down to the police station the next morning.

Here is where I made my mistake, I put the two guns in one of my purses. I drove them to the police station and walked in and placed the bag on the counter. I told the girls that I was turning these guns in to them and that at least one was loaded. The girls started FREAKING on me and backed way out of the office. They called some officers in and started telling them lies about what I said. They were being Drama Queens. The officers very nearly arrested me. They pointed to a big red sign on the door that said NO WEAPONS ALLOWED IN THE BUILDING. I hadn't seen it.

The girls at the counter were screaming at me, why was I bringing in guns to them? Did I have a written doctor's order that they weren't allowed in my house? (No). Didn't I have anything that says they can't be in my house? I was crying. I thought they were going to make me take them back home.

Finally everyone calmed down and the officers questioned me about my medications. I told them that the last time I had spoken to my psychiatrist was Thursday. They said, "What did he say?" I said, he said to call him back on Monday. They repeated that. They seemed incredulous that my pdoc would let me run around since I was off anti-depressants and feeling suicidal. They all acted like the Crisis Call Center had totally given me awful advice. They said that I should have unloaded the guns (I didn't know how), put them in a box and left it outside the front door while I went in. Well I didn't know how to do it properly and I kept apologizing.

I'm just glad they didn't arrest me for bringing a loaded gun into a police station. It's all over now, and instead of feeling depressed and I'm madder than hell that I am married to such an uncaring man. This is totally shocking what he did. I am making plans to leave him, but don't know how I will survive on $488 a month, when roommates and apartments are more than that. I'm scared right now, but last night it was scarier how very close I came.

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The guy on the other end was really good, and pretty soon he had me more angry at my husband that at myself. He said that my husband obviously either doesn't care about me, or was trying to get me to kill myself because it would be an easy way out of the marriage. I agreed.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I think the guy at the crisis center *may have* been right about that... but, if your husband is willing to do something like that (not that he would admit it), perhaps you might find a safer place to stay? Like, a friend's house? or a relative's? somewhere?

It's too bad about what happened at the police station, but you're lucky it turned out all right in the end.

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mellow,

I think you were thinking as clearly as you could when you went to the police station to turn in the guns. I am glad everything turned out OK.

Please take care of yourself, do what you need to do to stay safe. Like patheral mentioned I hope you can find a safe place to stay. And call your pdoc first thing on Monday and make sure he/she knows that you need to be seen right away.

Hang tough. Let us know how things are going.

Erika

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Mellow Yellow, I am so sorry to hear about the crap you are going through. Is there any way you could get him to leave and you stay put, maybe by getting a roommate?  With all that you are going through you certainly don't need having to move on your plate.  You should be very proud of yourself with the way you handled the whole affair especially given that you aren't presently on antidepressants.  I can't believe anyone would be as cold hearted as your husband was leaving those guns where you would be sure to see them.  Gutless prick!  Keep on posting to let us know how you are doing.  So glad you have your dog to take care of.  My cat was eptileptic and high maintenance and I also chose living because I knew no one would ever be able to take care of and love her the way I did.  Sadly I had to have her put to sleep in January, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  Luckily I still have my other cat who is about 13 and would not want to leave her alone either.  Stay well, Sulu

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Thanks, all, for your support and concern. ;)

My husband is all insulted that I thought he left those guns out for me to find. He says that if I really think that about him, then we should divorce. He says he thought "all crises were over" and that he accidentally left the bullets with the guns. I don't know what to believe, now.

No I can't kick him out - we live in a ritzy apartment complex and they would not put the lease in my name because I earn less than half what the rent is.

I'm fine - going to tell my pdoc on Monday - just waiting to see what happens. I have had an intake interview a counselor at the University. I think I will bring my husband with me and let them tell him off.  B)  Being an Adult Child of Alcoholics, I really don't know what is normal at all. Never have. Maybe this counselor will tell him off and tell me what to expect with this situation.

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Your consellors probably won't tell him off. they aren't great at giving opinions, just getting peoples take on things and never really telling you what they think at all (gawd, if we knew what they really thought, we would never go back!)

As for the gun thing, could you somehow insinuate to hubby that you sometimes have thoughts/urges of not only hurting Yourself but OTHER PEOPLE who live with you & I'll bet those guns will disappear quick like?  I know that is morally reprehensible but fuck him, he deserves it.

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It is curious that instead of your safety being the immediate issue, the focus seems to be on intent. 

Did your husband mean to leave those pieces out, loaded?  Is he only playing victim?  Or is he really a careless lump who really forgot? 

I can't say.  I can say that if something like this happens again, what will you do?  How will you deal with it? 

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not denying your feelings of outrage; it's a normal  reaction.  You CHOSE to not use those guns.  For that, I think you're a stronger person.  I'm GLAD you tried to do the right thing.  The fact you got smacked around for it doesn't help, but you were not wrong in trying to do the right thing.  I am, personally, downright impressed you not only DID NOT hurt yourself, but you had the courage to reach out and try to fix it.   

Playing the blame game, however, isn't going to get you anywhere but stressed.  Is that man in your life malicious enough to hope you'd off yourself?  I don't know.  Whether or not he meant to do it, does not preclude the idea that, even accidentally, it might happen again.  But, again, what will you do if this does happen again?  How will you deal?  What's your plan of action?  Is there someone you can call or count on? 

*************possible trigger below here*****************

I know this sounds nutty and downright dangerous, and don't do it or even consider it if you're not comfortable with it, but if you feel might just think about considering it one day, if you think you can: go into or call a local gun shop.  Take a friend if you want.  Explain you don't want to purchase one; keep your story brief ("what do I do if I find a loaded gun in my house?").  Tell them you need info on firearms safety.  How to load and unload.  How to tell if the safety is on.  How to properly dispose of one, according to regulations.  All gunshop staff should be familiar with basic safety requirements, including storage laws, maintainance, other state regulations.  If they're not, they suck as teachers, and find a place that's more reputable. 

Oh, and if you do go into the gun store, and if you do handle a gun, don't aim it at anyone.  It might be empty, but it's just really really really rude, to put it mildly. 

But as I said, don't even think about it if you don't feel you want to, you can, or you're uncomfortable with it. 

I know for myself, knowing how to take the clip out or take the bullets out of the chamber to put it away would help.  This is a neighborhood with children, and I wanted to learn how to do something like that if not for myself, than to prevent kids from hurting themselves if such a situation came up. 

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Hey Mellow! YOu seem very very brave for what you did and went through. I would definately look into the living situation. YOur husband sounds like he is not positive entity in your life. Stay strong for your puppy! I'm glad so many of us have pets here. They are not only therapeutic, but they give you unconditional love and a good reason to live. I mean my dogs act like they havent' seen me in a year when I go out to get the paper. They NEED us! Take care of yourself and your dog! love, ,,mel

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Mellow,

I just read my own post. Sigh. While I meant everything I said, I think that I would say in retrospect, that I do not know your husband or his intentions. I am only playing detective and looking at the evidence. The evidence looks more than suspicious.

I should not, however, tell you what to do. I urge you to think with your head. Oops, there I go again. Sigh again. Ok, look at it this way. You are an Adult Child of an Alcoholic right? Do you go to meetings? This could really help. Empowering yourself could be a wonderful resource at this time. I am not an alcoholic but I do have many addictive personality traits and several times in my life, I have embraced such groups (AA, Coda, and the like). They have helped me very much. In the meantime, your therapist may be more immediate assistance.

I try very hard to rely on a skill I've learned to develop. I listen to my intuition. Ok, as I said, I try. I'm still working on this. When someone is speaking, or even when I am speaking, I listen for the *ding*, that is true! or uh uh that is so not true! Or, I get the dull throb in my chest when I'm being fed bullshit. You probably know that feeling. It is the one we ignore because we are scared or uncomfortable with confrontation or the alternative of the action causing the feeling. Does this sound familiar?

Anyway...You are so so so brave! I'm sorry I didn't ackowledge that. I really didn't mean to come off preachy or like I thought you couldn't handle things. I had this instant feeling of uh oh for you. I don't usually get worried for people I don't know. But I felt from way over here. I can't stress enough. Dear Gods, please please be careful, and keep up the good work in being strong.

amers

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It doesn't really matter what the intent is. The salient point is that it's not a safe environment for you to be in.  If those guns were out, then you can't be sure that they won't be out again. 

And you need to get safe.  Either by getting rid of those guns or by getting out. Please, TODAY, get the doctor's note, then have the cops come to your house and seize the guns.  TODAY.  please.

Let us know how you're doing and that things are okay.

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Update: I did turn the guns into the police, my husband still insists it was an accident that he left them out, his friends defend him, and worse - I called my pdoc and he refused to talk about this over the phone or give me a doctor's note that I should not be around guns.

My husband is making plans to divorce me because of my bipolar, anyway, so things will probably be resolved one way or another sometime soon. He says he can't take my irritability and agitation, and the volatility (I have been yelling a lot).

You guys don't realize how difficult it will be for me to live on my own. I have many physical illnesses. Every anti-depressant doesn't work. It will take me a year to get housing assistance. I will have to pay out my entire SSDI for rent for a small studio apartment. I am agoraphobic; have no friends. I am used to my husband doing the grocery shopping and errands 80% of the time. My cocker spaniel is 9&1/2, takes expensive medication for the rest of her life and has to see specialists.

One therapist told me to put my dog to sleep. I told her to go to hell.

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Update: I did turn the guns into the police, my husband still insists it was an accident that he left them out, his friends defend him, and worse - I called my pdoc and he refused to talk about this over the phone or give me a doctor's note that I should not be around guns.

My husband is making plans to divorce me because of my bipolar, anyway, so things will probably be resolved one way or another sometime soon. He says he can't take my irritability and agitation, and the volatility (I have been yelling a lot).

You guys don't realize how difficult it will be for me to live on my own. I have many physical illnesses. Every anti-depressant doesn't work. It will take me a year to get housing assistance. I will have to pay out my entire SSDI for rent for a small studio apartment. I am agoraphobic; have no friends. I am used to my husband doing the grocery shopping and errands 80% of the time. My cocker spaniel is 9&1/2, takes expensive medication for the rest of her life and has to see specialists.

One therapist told me to put my dog to sleep. I told her to go to hell.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm sorry this is so rough for you. I do understand what it is like to be alone especially when the chips are down. Try to check out your state mental health organization, such as the Mental Health Cooperative (or whatever they call it in your state). You can get a case manager who will do much of the work for you in finding the help you need. There are many organizations who can help you get things quicker than the average person.

I don't know how long you've been married, but you should have every right to spousal support, 1/2 your assets etc. Again, you are married. And whether you are working or not...what's his is yours. You should get what is coming to you. It won't make a lot easier but it will ease the burden some. There are advocacy people too who will help those with mental illnesses get what they need as far as legal help. Your husbands lawyer should know you are entitled to those assets and taking advantage of someone with a mental illness is asking for big legal trouble. Check it out online.

You can do this! Get some help. You don't have to do it alone.

((((((mellow)))))))

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MellowYellow:

I think you handled the situation perfectly. I would freak out if I saw a gun in my house. This is Sweden and I've never seen a gun in my life, thank God. But you did what you needed to do, got help from the crisis line and followed their, what seemed like, reasonable advice. You go!

As for the marriage, don't think of it as him leaving YOU. You doesn't sound that pleased with him either, so maybe it's for the best of both of you. I know how bad it sucks, I've lost relations both to friend and boyfriend because of my mental illness. But people who are worth it will stick with you no matter what, believe me.

I feel so bad for you and everything you are going through right now. I hope things improve soon!

Love

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I love him; I don't want to lose him. He's made some REALLY stupid ass "mistakes" before about other things and I got over it.  I can't be chosey at my age and with my health. I told him I'm not moving out. He's going to have to have me physically moved out by force. I told him he would have to give me 1/2 of the assets we acquired during our marriage and he knows that. I won't go anywhere until he pays me 1/2.

I didn't mean for this thread to turn into a discourse about divorce. Where I have to defend him, or me, or why I won't give him a divorce. I'm sorry. I just thought I had an interesting story, and I told it. Thanks.

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I agree with amers that these messages seem to be driven by concern about you. However, that doesn't mean you have to follow them exactly. You are in charge of your life and you are there so you know a lot more about what's going on. However, please consider what we've said here carefully.

I am not particularly scared of guns, having fired a few myself. However, the idea of a suicidal person around bullets and guns seems less than advisable. That was pretty careless of dh. Good for you for doing something about it.

If you ever have to handle a gun, be very aware at all times of where it's pointed. Down is usually a good direction, unless you're on the second floor or something.

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Lets forget about guns and depression/divorce and say he left his roller skates on the floor ,you wouldn't do that right ? He sounds like a baby,you put his clothes away ?  just a thought

  I am sorry but it sounds like he isn't ready and that sucks because if the tables were turned you probably would'nt keep guns around. 

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Geez I came off like a jerk therapist wanna be or daddy mr. know it all its just that most people i know who did the big mistake had a gun available.To me the suicide thing should'nt be easy if you think about it alot . You deserve support. ;)

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Yeah, sorry for turning this thread to a discussion about divorcing him or not. If you love him, then there's really not much we can say about that. It was an interesting story though, and I'm so happy you did the right thing.

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No, no, don't anyone feel bad!!!  I'm sorry I came across short to you guys.  I'm just determined to make my marriage work.  He has not been lectured YET by a professional about the gun thing, but he WILL SOON, believe me. We are trying to get in to therapy, but it's taking awhile because it's free, at the University. I will report on what happens. I'm also dragging him to my pdoc next week, who will no doubt lecture him. I'm having difficulty finding a new pdoc. There's an intense shortage of them in our city.

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