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i can't take it anymore, coming home was the worst thingthat has eever happened

I;m so depressed i don't what to do. I can't take the mood swings

its taking everyonce of energy i have to even write this, im really over living. I really want to die.

I can't do anything here, im going to vaasity on thursday for a bit, and I know i'll be alone in my flat with again nothing to do.

My entire life has just come chrasing to a hault, and I can't wait to be alone where no one can find me, for all the wrong reasons.

i need it to end now.

'what is the point to anything, i'm makinh everyone miserable, i just don't want to breath, i need to sleep and not wake up

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kaytee,

please, please get help. is there a phone hotline in SA you can call? a professional can help you see through this. just please don't do this to us or yourself. you are NOT making everyone miserable. they are trying to feel a little so you don't have to. love them. know that this is the roughest because its the beginning and unknown and about acceptencance of a disease that 60,000,000 people have and are surviving. fight hardest when you have nothing left, appointments on Thurs. right? nothing to do, paint your flat, paint it in tears and frustration, you are certainly allowed that. check in.

-eva

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Get yourself help right away. If you're worried you're going to hurt yourself, go to the ER. I second karuna that this is the illness talking and not the way things really are, there IS hope and you can get through this. You are so strong just to have got this far, and you have the strength to get though this, but you need help. Please get in contact with a professional, feeling overwhelmed and suicidal needs to be taken very seriously. Hope you get the help you need quickly.

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my dad chose the permanent solution to a temporary struggle, and i'll never get over it. everyday i fight the past, and what the present and future would be like with him.

if you don't want to live for yourself, live for the people who love you. choose to live through your own pain and misery, because i can't describe the pain your loved ones would feel at your passing. my dad's death put me in the hospital 3 times.

be kind to yourself. get those emergency numbers. arrange a ride to the hospital just in case. make an emergency plan with your pdoc for in case you need to go in right away or need to just zonk yourself out wtih AAPs until you can get to safety.

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i live an hour away from the closset hospital,

but i just got the no. of life line here and at vasity.

just incase

That's good. Knowing that you have those resources on hand can help. The knocking yourself out with AAP's is a good suggestion as well - I know I do that; It works.

How are you doing now?

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Kaytee, you are very strong. Sorry about everything. Don't kill yourself, it really messes up everything for everyone around you.

I can't kill myself as it would ruin my daughter and wife's lives. Mostly financially, but daughter, wow, I'd have hated for a parent to have offed themselves when I was a kid.

Now, I wouldn't mind if my mom offed herself now. But that's a different matter.

I know I"m not your friend or pal or anything. But I'll think about this for a while. Take care of yourself, internet person I'm about to cry over. Do that.

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