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This is embarrsassing because its so cliche but I met K at a rehab/mental health facility. We went to the same aftercare and had a brief intimate relationship. It ended like most rehab romances, badly. I ended up feeling used and hurt and she didn't seem to care at all. When I left to fly home she couldn't even be bothered to drive 40minutes to say goodbye (I didn't have a car).

I really, really liked her and like the dumbass I am, fell in love with a very sick person. After I was at home for a while we chatted over the internet a few times. She sent me a semi-nude photo of the tattoo I designed for her. That photo opened all my old wounds and I decided to stop contacting her.

So a year later, what do I do? I contact her again. She mentions she is modeling now and I ask to see some pictures. Of course, some of them are semi-nudes. It seems like evertime I contact her, she sends revealing pics. It just opened the flood gate of old feelings. I feel like someone stabbed my with a knife and I really hate myself. I hate myself for contacting her, for being so upset about this stupid situation and doing things that hurt myself. The worst part is everytime I contact her I end up feeling like I've done something wrong during our conversation. Like I said something stupid or was too vulnerable. I can't separate me from her. It sucks. She is also 100% BPD and I have such a hard time looking after myself around other BPDs.

I just have such an intense need for approval around certain people. K seems to find all my vulnerabilities and I allow to have so much emotional control over me. She probably isn't thinking at all about me anyways. I just wish I wasn'tt so damn sensitive. Most of the time things just roll off my back but there are certain people that can emotional destroy me. She is one of them.

Anyway, I feel like shit. Its been a couple days and it feels horrible. ;)

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Bjorn,

That sounds really hurtful. Having contact with ex's who we ended with badly is hard for a lot of us. Do you know what causes you to email her? Is it loneliness, is it a desire to see if she wants you, is it boredom? Is it because you know it will hurt and you want someone to punish you? I think if you can get some insight into why you do this, it will help you a lot.

I think one of the best things to do in the fallout of a relationship break up is to get a new hobby or project. It sounds like a bit of a cliche, but it can work really well. It doesn't have to be expensive. So long as it is something you want to do. Take a nightclass, start creating something, teach yourself a language, or how to cook, or how to get to level whatever on a new game. The more social the better it will reinforce that people do like you for the person you are, and stop it becoming a dating thing. You will gain more confidence as you become better at whatever you have chosen, and it will occupy your time.

In the meantime, delete her email address and contact details, just in case you are tempted.

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Bjorn,

That sounds really hurtful. Having contact with ex's who we ended with badly is hard for a lot of us. Do you know what causes you to email her? Is it loneliness, is it a desire to see if she wants you, is it boredom? Is it because you know it will hurt and you want someone to punish you? I think if you can get some insight into why you do this, it will help you a lot.

I think one of the best things to do in the fallout of a relationship break up is to get a new hobby or project. It sounds like a bit of a cliche, but it can work really well. It doesn't have to be expensive. So long as it is something you want to do. Take a nightclass, start creating something, teach yourself a language, or how to cook, or how to get to level whatever on a new game. The more social the better it will reinforce that people do like you for the person you are, and stop it becoming a dating thing. You will gain more confidence as you become better at whatever you have chosen, and it will occupy your time.

In the meantime, delete her email address and contact details, just in case you are tempted.

Well I didn't contact her for a year. I'm not sure why I contacted her out of the blue. It was pretty stupid of me, shes bad news. I guess its something to look into during my therapy next week.

You metioned getting some hobbies in one of my other posts. You parly motivated me to pick up guitar again and I've been playing quite a bit! It helps keep my mind off of my problems thats for sure. Thanks!

I guess it'll just take time to nurse the old wounds...sigh ;)

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I've contacted people in the past from my past when I've been manic and just wanted anyone to talk at!

I think being BPD I find it difficult to detach from people - I can hate them and then "romanticise" them. I can obsessively think about them - hence not letting ago - detachment.

It's a bit like the moth and the candle flame.

Keep flying towards the bright light even though we know it could harm or even kill us.

Wanting some love - even if it's toxic - rather than none. Wanting some recognition as a human being rather than none. Relying on other people to give me a sense of self rather than doing it myself.

Hobbys and interests at least give us something to talk about with people and can lead to friendships.

Wicked you've picked the guitar up again!!!

I'm getting back into my art with origami, paper-art and poetry.

Hawk

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Ohhhhhh, I've so been there too! But don't be too hard on yourself for a moment of weakness. Isn't forming unhealthy relationships on the list of BPD symptoms? You know it is.

So, use your knowledge of your illness(es) as a guide to "what to stay away from". Is there anything you do in "normal" life to stay away from things you know are bad and dangerous? For example, would you drive a car at 100mph down a busy side walk? NO? Well, ask yourself how you know that doing that would be bad, reckless, dangerous, cruel and so on and put K in that same category. She's the car and you're standing on the side walk. Get away and report her to the metaphorical police.

Best of luck. As I said, I've played with that kind of fire in the past and know just how bad it can burn.

Sorry about your current anguish.

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  • 2 weeks later...

i've sooooo been there before also. i tell you what... there is no relationship like the one between two bpd's.

scary, hot and full of fire........

i too went back for more, several times. i think my ex-monster and i broke up, over the span of 1 year, 14 times.

it's been since june that i've emailed her, since january since i saw her AND i was thinking

of looking her up.

naaah, not on my life... thanks for bringing me back around and i wish you the best... sometimes we

just wish they've changed and chances are, their behaviors towards us HAVEN'T.

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